Monthly Archive for January, 2007

Page 3 of 7

Memory Lane

Published on January 19, 2007 in For the Record. 2 Comments

Take a left from Nightmare Blvd then an immediate right down Good ‘Ol Memory Lane. You’ll find me there.

Again in my blog hop mode I took to searching wordpress tags and went to my regular one, art. I ran across a blog called Knowing — Art of Learning by an African-American New Yorker with a blessed paintbrush. When I saw his self portrait I about fell over because he reminded me of Mr. Austin. Although the circumstances of coming across Mr. Austin were unpleasant the memory of his kind face is not. I remember him fondly. I still get chills when I think about having changed my name and then days later realizing I’d taken his last name. I miss him. He was a homeless man that lived homeless with a great deal of dignity.

Boy times have changed haven’t they? Blossom and I were just talking about it yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that. What really got us going was seeing a sign for the coming tour of Sawyer Brown, a country music band. They were winners from the first batch of reality TV specials. They won on Star Search, you know the show without a jackass Englishman, without an 80’s Pop Star and some fat black guy whose name I can never recall. They’re from the era where people sang their hearts out and were discovered not ridiculed for their weight or their hair or any feature flaw. They’re from the show that gave us Sam Harris who sang Over The Rainbow and knocked us all on our socks week after week.

This so called American Idol frenzy is nothing more to televise the feeding of alligators with fresh meat. Yeah, we got a few good stars from it but mostly we got an angry Englishman with some serious issues. Will we remember that show as fondly as Star Search? Nope, we’ll just remember how everyone tuned in to see the feeding frenzy. I don’t care to watch. I don’t like blood and gore.

Stuff I Remember Fondly-

The real Batman & Robin Show (same bat time, same bat channel). I use to run home from summer school as fast as I could to see that corny show, to see balloon bubbles that said “Smack” and “Biff” instead of cruelty in an English tongue. I ran home to see Batman and Robin take on The Joker and The Penguin,

This takes me to yet another fond memory, my grandfather. My grandfather loved the character The Penguin. When he was burned in 85 and no one thought he’d live, somehow, and I do not know how, but somehow they contacted the man that played The Penguin and he called my grandfather in the hospital. I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. The guy I saw Batman outsmart as a kid called my granddaddy to wish him well. It doesn’t get better than that.

There are so many good things to remember. It seems Blossom and I have touched on several in the last few days.

Austin

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

Published on January 19, 2007 in For the Record. 0 Comments

I just found out my therapist and I have the same birthday. That is so cool and weird at the same time! Only he was born in 45 and I wasn’t born until 1971.

I looked him up on the net like I do all my doctors. Now, I won’t put his whole name on the net , my goodness, his name is horrible. If he were black I do mean to tell you he’d have some real issues. They would have teased the hell out of him. His last name is Tarr. Can you see my point? My goodness, the suffering, the teasing, I can hear it now. That poor man. Oh my goodness, when I first heard his name I thought to myself, Lord have mercy you were blessed, there was some divine intervention on that one there cause you were not born black with that last name. If he’d been born black and dark skinned it would have just been over for him. Had God not stepped in he wouldn’t be a psychologist he’d need a psychologist. How how He works in mysterious ways. LOL

Austin

Change of Plans

Published on January 19, 2007 in Dreams, For the Record and Soapbox. 1 Comment

Change of Plans
Friday, January 19, 2007-12:24noon

Last night’s forecast called for two inches of snow. Although I woke with my knee reminding me that I’m 35 with Lupus I still got up with childlike anticipation and looked out the window. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch, not one flake. It was coming down when I went to bed at 7 this morning but in true Indiana character it changed it’s mind and decided to give us a little bit of sun today. I’ll take it.

I slept well. My dreams were tolerable. I can’t complain. I had a dream about being on a bus full of people (common dream theme for me) going to the same destination as the other times I’ve had the dream, coming from the same shopping mall as the other times I’ve had this dream. I almost missed the bus, the same as always. The only difference is that there was a serial killer on the lose, hanging out around private schools. The bus driver told me to be careful as I went home. There was a garage sale, familiar streets, the same night time setting, all of it was the same as each time I dream that dream.

I’ll be watching the news to see updates on the missing Purdue University Student. In order to get updates I’ll have to first sit through the business of Colts v Patriots game. It infuriated me last night that this missing student got second billing to football. He got about 5 seconds of air time, they went to the colts for God only knows how long then finally they got back to him for about two minutes then moved on with life as normal. I hope the Colts win like any other Hoosier worth their corn salt but come on, when sports take first bill over a missing college student where 300 volunteered to search for clues that says something about our priorities. I mean my goodness, we could have at least acted like we cared about another fellow Hoosier before football but nope, Peyton Manning and that kicker guy came first. It’s disgusting. I have a feeling the killer in my dream may have been introduced because of the Purdue student gone missing since Saturday. My mother is a Purdue grad.

I’ve got only a few things to do today and that’s all. I hope it’s an easy symptoms day or at least a tolerable one.

Austin

Therapy Techniques For PTSD

Published on January 19, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

Therapy Techniques For PTSD
Friday January 19th, 2007 -5:20AM EST

I’m scared to death to do what the therapist is suggesting. yeah, I’ve been in therapy a very long time but truthfully, I’ve worked on keeping myself alive, on keeping myself out of the hospital, on staying away from my mother which I’ve done for four years. The work I’ve done has not been to talk about what happened but to manage day to day life. But I’m afraid of going over memories, saying things out loud to desensitize them. I’ve heard different things about this but at this point I can’t really remember anything other than that it messes you up and doesn’t help. I need to ask another professional what they think about it. He wants to have my safe place in mind for when I freak out and it gets too heavy. I’ll tell him a particular memory that I’m struggling with and somehow that’s suppose to desensitize me to the event. I don’t know. That scares me to death. I agreed to see him twice a week. Man, it feels like I’ll be going backwards instead of forwards. I don’t know.

When I write stuff on the journal I do not feel much at all even if I go into detail. But to say it out loud, man that’s a whole different ball game. I’m not saying it out loud so it’s almost like being partially silent and not letting myself have the full benefit of the past not effecting me. But I just don’t know about this idea of his. I just don’t know.

We talked about cutting and he gave some suggestion about putting my hands in ice instead of cutting. That’s when he met Morton who told him under no uncertain terms that cutting is ours. While he babbled on Morton broke in and said with a flat tone, “Shut up.” The therapist said, “what?” Morton repeated in the same flat tone, “Shut up.” The therapist said, “Okay.” That’s when Morton told him “It’s ours and that’s all that’s to it.” It was tense for a moment. Morton wanted to walk out because Dr. T bores the hell out of him. But Morton realizes that walking out and not going back is impulsive and not necessarily what the whole system wants. So, after Morton expressed irritation and claimed our ineffective coping skill the usual happened, we went little. Oh the joy of that session. My goodness, could it get any worse? Yes, but it didn’t, not this time. I mean expect when I left Blossom looked me dead in the face, deep in my eyes to see some sign of feeling, some sort of indication of how I’m doing. I hate that. Argh! Enter borderline personality disorder behaviors—–>>> The way she looks at me with such intensity lets me know I successfully had the flat look on my face. If she has to look that damn hard into my eyes to figure out what I’m feeling then I did a good job of hiding the fact that I just wanted to come home and smack my boxing bag around a bit. She looks at me as if there will be some sort of note in my eyes, “I need you. I’m hurting.” Guess what, no such note. I needed the 35 lb Everlast boxing bag, period! It was not a pretty session. We came home, made meat loaf, augratin potatoes and green beans then kinda chilled for a bit. Oh sleep should be so fun tonight/morning. It’s 5:51AM EST. <<<—— End borderline personality disorder behaviors.

Is this going to help take the nightmares away? Is this technique he speaks of something that has been proven to help or proven to be ineffective? I only know two people to ask and I sure as hell want their professional opinion. I don’t want treatment, I want a professional opinion on this type of therapy technique, if it’s helpful or said to be less helpful than other healing options? I’ll have to let someone else write to them cause I might have a borderline moment and not ask the questions I really want answered.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

I understand

Published on January 18, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Poetry, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy. 3 Comments

I can’t even say that I want to understand why my mother couldn’t lay a calm hand on me or why she couldn’t find it in herself to find someone else, an adult partner. I can’t say that there is one part in me that wants to understand why it is she chose to do the things she did. Does that make me bitter? I don’t think so. I believe that it’s a way of letting go, letting go of the idea that if I come to understand then maybe she’ll ….maybe somehow I’ll win her over and she’ll come up with an apology, a real apology and we’ll spend the rest of her days close. But truthfully, the very thought of it makes my stomach turn. I can’t think of a reason any mother would research the best way to deliver pain to her child. I can’t think of any reason on earth to use a dowel rod on a child. What is there to understand but that this woman has some real problems that I can not help her with and that she does not want help with.

What started this tirade here? I ran across a site where a survivor posted a photo of a woman with the caption, “All I can say is keep your daughters away from her.” Well damn! I know many, many photos could accompany that sole photo on that site. Do I want to understand why abusers can’t just stop abusing and why they can’t just love like they have some sense? No, it would be a waste of my time to even try. I asked only once, why the mother chose dowel rods. I hoped I could understand somehow and maybe even excuse it. I thought maybe her mother used them on her and she didn’t know any different. She answered the question quite simply, “Because they hurt.” That is very clear, there is nothing to tear apart or analyze, it is what it is. I understand. I understand that it is a waste of my time to try and pick apart the behaviors of that woman because for me, again, for me, it would only be to somehow justify it so that the reality isn’t so hard to face. If I tried to understand why she did what she did I would be giving into the old hope that one day my mother will find it in her tiny, itty bitty blackened heart to love me. I also understand that I have made the choice not to pass down to yet another generation the vile practices of the last 6.

I don’t believe that some things never change because they must. Even though some people never change I must.

Austin

When To Ask For Help

Published on January 18, 2007 in Art, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 2 Comments

When To Ask For Help
Wednesday, January 17, 2007-8:50PM EST

I’ll say in a heartbeat, I want to cut, I’m not handling this very well, I want to rock, I feel like I want to hide in the closet. You know, the last time I did that, about 4 years ago, I was there for 9 days. I came out to use the restroom and went right back in. It just felt safer there. Why would I say that on the net? I guess many would not, they’d keep that bit of info to themselves but if you never say I’m not doing well or I don’t think I’m going to make it then how are people to really know just how much you need them? If people don’t know just how bad things are getting then when you crash they’re taken off guard. It’s like, oh man, I thought everything was going so smoothly what happened? I hid the pain of my heart with the smile on my face, that’s what happened.

StrengthsThere are different faces of strength. It can do several things for the man who possesses it. It can show his humanity, it can make him stand out as a pillar for others to lean on, and it can isolate him so that when he can’t handle his own problems anymore there is no one who feels strong enough or worthy to step in and offer their advice. All these faces of strength can make it difficult to desire to be seen as strong. Are people going to assume I can handle it because I did last time? That is my biggest worry, will I reflect strength too often so that it isolates me and when I really need help no one will offer anything other than, “This too shall pass,” or “You’ve got good coping skills. You’re doing great, keep going.” It makes me want to go back to the fake smile so I don’t have to hear people brush off the fact that I’m hanging on by a thread. It feels like rejection, like they just brushed off the fact that I’m not doing very well. For this reason I think strength is over-rated.

The conflict-Why would I ask for help? I’m going to hear about how strong I am and how well I’m doing keeping it all together. Can’t I just skip the speeches and take this task on like the last one and the one before that?

Sometimes strength can back fire on you, trick you into thinking you can handle it, you’ve done it before, and you can do it alone this time too. Only this time you secretly doubt you’ll make it through because you’re older now (maybe just days older but it feels like years) and you’re more tired than before (you slept 8 hours last night but you’ve been awake, on high alert for years).

Strength can be tricky; you have to use it right. Know when to ask for help, know when and if it’s coming and know when you simply have to suck it up and get the job done. You owe it to yourself to make it through again so choose how you will use your strength. Will you ask for help when you need it?

Austin

Symptoms List For The Therapist

Published on January 17, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

Symptoms scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest and most severe. I’m only going to list the things that are relevant instead of doing a copy paste of the whole list again. Here are the issues of Wednesday, January 17th, 2007.

Self harm issues – 8 self injury ideation
Isolation – 6
Timid– 6
Dissociation- 4
Anger issues – 4
Shower- Yes
Medication – Yes
Leave the house- No
Eat- No

Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless - 5
My baseline for this is a 4. I feel a bit uneasy and a tad bit on the sad side, almost like grief not necessarily depression.

Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much - 8.
My baseline for sleep disturbances is usually an eight. I went to bed at 9am this morning and got up at 2pm. Nightmares were manageable. I’ll take manageable over debilitating any day.

Poor appetite or overeating – 9
I haven’t eaten anything at all today. I’m still chain smoking.

Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down – 6
Yeah, I still feel that way.

Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself in some way – 6
My baseline for this is 6. I’m at baseline today. I had the strongest urge to cut. The urge to cut was stronger than the urge to try and end my life. I have a general, “I’d rather not be here” feeling that’s why my baseline for this symptom is a 6.

see ya tomorrow,

Austin