Monthly Archive for February, 2007

Captain Crunch Retires Officially

Published on February 28, 2007 in Gratitude Journal, PTSD and Pets. 3 Comments

2 keepersWhat you did was take back that power and convert it into a safer sleeping place, hurray for you!!! We have a feeling your mother doesn’t like animals, why we don’t know, but if that is true remind yourself with Cap and Gracie and Bella that is three more reasons she wouldn’t show up. Peace and blessings keepers

Try 4 reasons. The new Psych Task Dog will be here soon. Cap is officially retired but he gets to stay with me through his retirement. I pay nothing at all for the new Psych Task dog, not a dime, not for food or vet or anything. She, and I did say she, is fully sponsored. It makes me sad that Cap won’t be going with me everywhere anymore but truthfully, he’s ready to retire. He’s ready to hang out on the love seat, keep the yard safe from squirrels and everything like that.

I’ve seen her several times, worked with her a bit. I mentioned that Captain was ending his career as a service dog soon and I may have mentioned the Shepard lined up. There’s been a lot going on. I know for sure I talked to you about it on the phone and I may have spoken with MeMe about it also. I can’t remember…again, a lot going on…but it seems that if all goes well Piper will be coming to live here. I’m changing her name though, to Cheerio, Chi for short. Captain Crunch and Cheerio…it just fits.
It just makes me sad that Cap can’t do what he use to anymore. His legs aren’t strong enough to help me off the floor. They shake something awful because of the nerve damage done when he was beaten and shot early on. He’s great for emotional support but I also need the physical support and I need help in public and Cap just can’t do that anymore. I don’t mean to talk like he’s dead. I just mean that to make him work like he use to is just not right. This winter took a tole on my boy. I watched him in pain. To ask him to work too is just not right. He’s too good of a boy. It’s time for him to relax and play and sniff stuff and roll in dead things. He’s done way more than could ever be asked of him so as long as he is here with me he is Captain My Captain and will be treated like the Majestic Dog he is. I mean, I knew this was coming, his legs give out on him a lot anymore but it’s hard to accept. I’ve depended on him for 6 years now, now it’s my turn to make him as happy and as comfortable and even more spoiled than ever. I think he’s got a good 3 years of life left in him now that he won’t be working anymore, now that he won’t be helping me walk and things like that. With a lot of physical demands off him he can support just himself.

So anyway, there are some formal things to go through and then I bring her home.

I will post links to PTSD dogs, Bi polar dogs, dogs for Schizophrenia, for Autism and other disibilities soon. These dogs can be a real life saver. I for one can attest to the fact that Captain gave me freedom and sanity. It shall be very interesting around here real soon.

Austin

Nervous About Therapy

Published on February 27, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

I’m nervous about therapy tomorrow. We cut this week. If he asks I can’t lie about it. What’s the point of lying to my therapist? I already told him that cutting is ours and that there will be times when we absolutely need to do it. He told me that he wouldn’t give me the whole line about how I don’t deserve to hurt and that he wouldn’t’ try and pressure me to stop. I told him that not cutting puts me at more of a risk for suicide than if I do just go ahead and cut.

In my head someone kept saying, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for needing to do this. Its odd because we do it just like when the mother hit us. We focus on something totally different, we leave, we sit in a dark room, often facing a wall on the floor or we sit in front of the TV watching nothing at all, some show we couldn’t tell you jack about, and cut until we’re done.

I did my assignment but I don’t know if it’s what it’s supposed to be. I felt like I tossed blame around and didn’t really address much, or maybe I’m wrong and I can’t keep in my head all that I wrote down. I tend to do that sometimes.
I’ve been up since 8am so I’m pretty tired right now. I’d like to stay up until 9pm at least so I don’t wake up at 6am or something like that. I’m just really nervous about therapy. Then of course Officer Le Perv is to come over and fix my PC at the charitable price of dirt cheap.

Usually when you get something in the mail from your insurance company it’s bad news but today they sent me a letter saying they’ve released me from the bondage of Medicaid Restricted Card. I’m now free to go see a doctor without having to go through red tape then offer up my first born. I was so surprised. The Restricted Card was such a burden for me. I could only go to one pharmacy. I had to have one doctor approve everything even before seeing a dentist or my psychiatrist/pdoc or my therapist. So now, I just give them my insurance card and I’m good to go. I was so happy to get that letter. It was a short letter, a thin envelope which to me meant they were stopping my coverage. Trust me, now is not the time to stop my coverage. But with a thin letter I was sure it was bad news but it wasn’t. As of TODAY I am no longer bound by Medicaid Restricted Card. (long sigh of relief)

I should eat something.

On the subject of self injury a page I call My Resources links to reliable information on why people self injure. There is a wealth of information on that page, everything from Postpartum Depression to Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder to OCD and beyond. There are also contact numbers and nationally recognized organizations who support survivors. The page is not graphic and does not give details of abuse or anything like that. It’s a page of information with a brief description of the link.

What is SI
Why do people deliberately injure themselves?
Who self-injures?
Causes history and causes
Living w/SI
Family/friend
References

Dr. Alderman, Ph.D. explains things with exceptional clarity. Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one Tracy Alderman, Ph.D. covers points on the page Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves hosted at The International Child and Youth Care Network.

I Miss Her Already

Published on February 27, 2007 in Art and Soapbox. 2 Comments

Emerald Friends UKIt seems my next door neighbor UK isn’t doing well at all. The cancer has spread to her lymph nodes. She’s scared, her abusive husband is scared but it doesn’t keep him from beating on her, her daughter is scared as is her young son and so am I. I worry about the two kids that’ll be left with him, drunken bastard! This is the girl that gave up on life a long time ago. She wouldn’t treat the Lupus and won’t treat the cancer because she’s tired. She a sexual abuse survivor. Her parents abandoned her and her 6 month old baby sister in the house until an uncle came months later and took them in. I believe she herself was 6 years old when her parents abandoned them. Her life has been extremely hard. She’s only 33 but man has she been through some shit. She’s ready to stop which is why she will not take the chemo and why she did not keep up with the treatments for the Lupus. She had blue ink like liquid coming out of her nipples. She’s not doing well at all. We went to McDonald’s yesterday to get her out of the house for a bit. Heck, despite Lupus and Cervical Cancer she’s still expected to make dinner and work as well as take care of a 16 year old daughter and an 8 year old boy. I wonder how on earth that girl stands up. Her uncle, the one that did not hurt her, says she works like a man. No, her family works her like a horse and somehow she just keeps going. If there ever really was a superwoman she’s it. But her body is ready to stop. Her hair is falling out but you know what? That girl is still strikingly beautiful.

This makes a person wonder how her life would have been had her parents not left, had one uncle not turned her out to the streets for profit, had he not hurt her, had she not married an abuser. Would she be ready to go so quickly, at age 33 would she be ready to toss in the towel and not take on this fight? Abuse makes you tired, healing makes you tired and this is one person ready to stop fighting. Child abuse kills. I miss her already.

Joan of Arc

Taking Back My Right To Sleep

Published on February 27, 2007 in Art, Dreams, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

My current therapist told me I needed to take back my right to sleep. I like the way he worded that. I’ve been thinking about it but I wasn’t really sure how to do it. I didn’t know where to start; heck I’ve been trying to tackling my issues with beds and bedrooms for a long time now. I’ve tried all kinds of things like sleeping on the floor on a pouch, sleeping on my dog’s bed, staying up until the sun comes up then going to sleep as well as a host of other things. It seems my ideas work for a little while then the fear comes back. Well, I have a new idea that I’ve been working with for a few weeks now. Truthfully, this idea goes against what sleep specialists tell you about getting to sleep. The reason I’ve gone directly against the advice of people who know what they’re talking about is because the situation I’m dealing with is different. My mind will shut off and allow me to sleep. I’m not laying in bed worrying about bills. I’m not tossing and turning or thinking about what’s on TV or thinking about 100 different things I could be doing. I’m worried about sleeping because of nightmares. My body will sleep and that to me is a big problem because with sleep comes nightmares and with nightmares comes more of a reason to force myself to stay awake.

Specialists say the bedroom should be for sleeping only, that you shouldn’t watch TV in there or have your PC in there or do paperwork and things along those lines. They say doing these things will keep you from getting a good nights sleep because you’re too distracted with what you could be doing. I understand this is good information IF a person isn’t dealing with fear of the bedroom itself as opposed to insomnia issues. I can sleep, I’m just afraid to. My environment has to be comfortable enough for me to give up my sense of security lie down and close my eyes and leave myself vulnerable to the world. The truth is, it is not the world I fear, it’s my mother. If I close my eyes I fear when I open them she’ll be standing there. That is my whole issue with sleeping, if I let go I do so at the risk of my safety. I can’t sleep at night, she’s coming here. That’s what goes through my head. It’s why I sleep in different rooms, in different locations, so she won’t immediately know where to find me. As irrational as it seems for a 35 year old woman to think this way, it is what goes through my head. This is the reason I sleep in different spots I the house. So again, the reason I tossed out proven sleep advice for my newest sleep position is because of PTSD issues not clinically diagnosed insomnia. I’m afraid of sleep and I’m afraid of the room so in my layman opinion this is more like a phobia and PTSD issue.

In order to address my needs I moved the lazy boy in the bedroom. I set up a small table beside the chair for my drink and writing utensils. One wall has book shelves all the way up the ceiling, fiction, biographies, autobiographies, history, dictionaries, antique books, you name it, it’s there. I have a small TV/VCR combination sitting beside 3 short shelves of DVD’s and VHS tapes. Basically I have the bedroom set up as a sitting area that just happens to have a bed in it. It’s a comfy, cozy spot with books, a recliner, a TV, candles, lap throws and big pillows. And like I said, it just so happens to have a bed in the corner. My idea was the change how I think about the room. I’m afraid of the bedroom. I’m afraid of it. I remember too well what happens in beds and even at 35 I can’t get it out of my head. So instead of nearly killing myself by staying awake until I drop I’ve got to try and find ways to get some comfortable sleep. So this time around I’m going to attack my thinking instead of trying to avoid that room all together. So in the room where I kick back and read, watch TV or hang out with the kitties there’s a queen size bed dressed with a cream coloured comforter, 4 cream coloured lacy pillow shams and a nice half dome shape head board. I found out a long time ago that I feel safer closer to the floor so the mattress and box springs are on the floor, no bed frame, nothing, just a nice bed with nice comfortable covers in the corner of a very inviting room.

I changed things over this way when I kicked Blossom to the curb. I’ve slept in there every single night. Yes, there have been nightmares but I don’t suspect that’ll go anywhere soon. My goal is to change how I think about the room so that I allow myself to sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I’ll end up doing real damage to my body. I can’t afford to do that. So, I’ve come up with yet another way to try and get some sleep. If for some reason this stops working I’ll try something else. I’ve tried aromatherapy, playing soft music while I sleep, putting the bed in a specific location in the room to maximize the feeling of safety and a host of other things. They all worked for awhile but as things in therapy came up the feeling of safety changed which means I had to change with it. If this happens I only hope I can be resourceful and come up with another plan of action.

Let me say this, if you find you have a problem that just won’t go away keep looking for ways to make yourself more comfortable. In my case, nightmares will be with me awhile. I can’t change that immediately, but what I can do is try and change certain aspects of my night life. I’m trying to change how I view the bedroom and maybe, just maybe I can get it through to my subconscious that a bed is for resting. It’s not a waiting room for an abuser to visit from the past.

In a bit I’ll have to write about how I changed my restroom around years ago to allow myself to actually go in there without vomiting. As recently as a year ago I got the hiccups simply walking through the restroom door. For me, the hiccups are a stress response. So, in a few days I suppose I’ll talk about what I did to the restroom and how many times it took me to change stuff around before I finally got it right for me.

Until again,
Austin

Dream Amongst The Flowers

Taking Back My Right To Sleep
Monday, February 26, 2007-11:49PM EST

The Case of the Missing Ben and Jerry’s

Published on February 26, 2007 in For the Record and Humor. 3 Comments

Prosecutor- Matlock representing Barney Fife
Defendant Perry Mason representing Aussie
Judge Otis Campbell Presiding
Trial: Aussie v Fife

Before a hushed jury Barney Fife takes the stand. He he turns to look the defendant in the eye knowing for sure he’s about to put her away for life. After all, this defendant called the board of health on him because of his yard. Never mind the extra toilet parts or the chemicals in unmarked containers or the nails so covered in rust just looking at them will give you lock jaw. He has a vendetta and his own justice was about to be served.

Bailiff Gomer Pyle says: Barney Fife, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth so help you God?

Barney: I do.

Matlock begins by tracing the jury bar line with his index finger slowly, deliberately, then he whips around and begins: On the night of February 23rd you left to go to Missouri did you not?

Barney: Yes sir I did and I left my home believing its contents were safe.

Matlock: Yes, I’m sure you did but what happened when you returned February 27th to the home you thought would be safe?

Barney: Well, everything seemed in order but when I went to have ice cream after dinner I noticed my New York Super Fudge Chunk® Ben & Jerry’s ice cream was missing.

(The jury gasps, Barney lowers his head and weeps)

Matlock: Do you need a moment sir?

Barney: No, I can go on.

Matlock: What happened next?

Barney: I went to my roommate, the defendant, and asked what happened to it and she swore up and down she didn’t know but I didn’t believe her.

Matlock: Why is that?

Barney: Because the calendar says she would have done this. She’s the only female in the house with … “a time”. The day it went missing was just before her “time.”

Matlock: May I enter Exhibit A your honor. This calendar clearly marks the days Ms. Austin will have her time.

Continue reading ‘The Case of the Missing Ben and Jerry’s’

Powerful Words From Survivors

Published on February 26, 2007 in Gratitude Journal. 1 Comment

Today I read two letters written by a survivor, one was written by a man to himself and the other by a woman to herself. I guarantee that when you read these letters you will hang on every word just as I did. The feeling behind these words is not just a dream, its something that has driven them and is certain to continue driving them to successes in life.

First up is the letter by Beautiful Dreamer. She writes a story of her childhood when her mother first found out she was being abused and turned a cold shoulder. She then begins to write about having to care for herself and in doing so she had to give up some of her dreams. There is much grief in her letter when she writes:

My heart weeps for you, for the stoicism you wrap about your little self like a threadbare garment. For the nights you can’t help but cry yourself to sleep, face muffled in pillow so no one will hear and rebuke you for your tears. You’ve promised yourself you wouldn’t cry, yet there are times when it’s your only means of falling asleep.

Undeniable strength is echoed with the simple phrase: You will pick yourself up again and again, and have the utter audacity to keep on keeping on.

And if that is still not enough to convince you of the power of this entry here is a longer quote sure to bring you to her site to finish the letter to the child she was and to the adult survivor, writer, mother, grandmother and friend we have all come to know. In her letter Dear Me, Beautiful Dreamer writes:

You will discover that an open (but discerning) heart is more to be valued than the stoicism at which you’ve become so adept. Yes, you will dare to get up each morning with nothing but the dinky mustard seed of faith wedged in your heart. Others will ask, “How do you do it?” You will shake your head, wondering that yourself. You will despair of life, you will embrace it; you will mourn lost dreams; you will find new ones. You will sorrow for your murdered childhood; you will invest in the well-being of your grandchildren. You will sigh. You will sing. You will dare to disturb the universe. You will. Click here to read the entire letter.

Second up is a male survivor by the name of Scott Abraham who runs a male survivors site called MenWeb. One of the reasons I chose his letter is because his mother was his abuser. His mother is a pedophile like mine. It is so hard to say, “My mother sexually abused me.” Heck, I’ve said it in therapy countless times but even as I wrote it I stopped and dropped my head, hand went to the bridge of my nose and I sighed deeply. It is a hard, hard thing to say you were abused by your father, brother, uncle, grandfather, or another male but the stigma of being abused by a woman is strong and the shame is different in many ways. So when I read the letter to his mother and ultimately to himself, I couldn’t help but think of how very much I want to scream the same to my mother and swear the same to myself. Here is a snippet of the end of a letter written by Scott Abraham:

Be Gone! A Personal Story Copyright © 1998 by Scott Abraham

You shall steal no more from me, Mother.
I take my life. I rip my destiny from your greedy, bloody hands.
I will be what I decide I am, not what you programmed me to be.
I am my own man, not your little man, Mother.
I will not bear your shame.
I will not bear your pain.
I won’t even carry your name.
I am Scott Barak Abraham.
I am not your son.
You are not my mother. You do not deserve, and I will no longer give you, the honor of that title.
Three times I speak, in my own voice, the voice of a whole man.
I disown thee.
I disown thee.
I disown thee.
Begone, bitch of darkness. You have no power here.
Begone.

To read from the beginning and to see the second letter click here.

You have no power here! Now those are words I will say three times to when the memory of my mother comes flooding back. You have no power here! I feel charged by letter that I stumbled upon this morning. I hope you find in both of these letters the reason you need to make it through this day as a survivor.

Powerful Words From Survivors
Monday, February 26, 2007-3:29PM EST

 

My Reply: Heath Risks -Cats and Litter Boxes

Published on February 26, 2007 in Pets. 4 Comments

In response to my Hairball entry Michael said on February 25th, 2007

So what are hairballs? And can someone explain to me if it’s healthy to have all that cat hair every were and their climbing on everything while they have just walked out of their cat litter box full of poop and pee, what’s healthy about that?

Hello Michael,

You ask very valid questions. Here’s a quick answer to some of your questions. For the most part I write as if speaking to general audience based on the questions you asked.

As far as the litter box goes, they drag around the house as much bacteria as we do on the bottom of our shoes when we walk from outside. Every single thing we touch we puck up germs and leave some behind. The good news is, if your immune system is strong enough and your cleaning habits up to par you can fight off the bacteria, if you can’t then you have to see a doctor or not have pets or human contact. I think your question is a valid one but we have to look at the big picture, cats crawl all over everything only if they are allowed to. My cats do not go in my kitchen. My dog doesn’t go in my kitchen. He gets on one piece of furniture period. When I’m home the cats are not on my table. Before I eat I sanitize it well because I know the little buggers probably got up there when I wasn’t home. Knowing the life cycle of bacteria can help to understand the importance of cleaning counter tops and thoroughly. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention some viruses and bacteria can live from 20 minutes up to 2 hours or more on surfaces like cafeteria tables, doorknobs, and desks. You must disinfect. If you just wipe with a rag you’ve cleaned the surface of visible debris but you leave bacteria behind. If you sanitize you are better able to control the growth of bacteria.

Hair- I sweep my floor daily, not just for health reasons but because the Three Stooges (two cats and one dog) itch if I don’t. You know how itchy your neck feels after you’ve gotten a hair cut? Imagine how pets feel walking around on the floor in their own hair? It’s like rolling around on the floor of a beauty shop that hasn’t been swept in days. So when I sweep I do it to manage odor as well as to keep them comfortable. There are many do’s and don’t to cat and human contact. You can find some of those do’s and don’t at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

Pet Health Care- There is a lot of information out there on the internet and it can become overwhelming looking at all the possibilities of what could go wrong with your cat or dog so I would suggest that people inquire with their personal vet for information regarding their companion animal. And don’t hesitate to discuss with your medical doctor if you’re healthy enough to bring an animal into your home. If you’re pregnant you need to consider some of the risks, if you have a weak immune system be aware of the risks. Basically, when it comes to health issues you can’t rely on the net for answers, you have to go to a licensed, board approved professional who knows your personal medical history so they can help you make the best choices. Not being a doctor prevents me from giving medical advice but the one thing I can tell everyone is WASH YOUR HANDS. Wash your hands immediately after cleaning the liter box or picking up pooh from the ground outside. I do not mean to talk down to anyone by providing a link to hand washing. Some of the information you might find surprising. According to the CDC and found on the Clean Hands Coalition website the single most important thing we can do to keep from getting sick and spreading illness to others is to clean our hands. I was surprised as well to know there’s a Clean Hands Coalition out there spreading info instead of germs.

While searching for a few more answers about cat health and human health I found something very interesting. I was aware that cats and essential oils don’t mix well but I never thought leaving simmering potpourri out could be hazardous to my cat’s health. I use oils to simmer and the article that I read said this can be very dangerous for them. So, while I may not have fully answered your question with scientific information, you did at least help me realize that I need to treat my essential oils as poisons and keep them out of the reach of my feline friends.

So my layman’s answer to you is, cats and dogs drag across our floors as much bacteria as we do. Proper house cleaning with sanitizing agents will help keep down the spread of germs. Vacuum all carpets and steam clean areas even if they are not heavy traffic areas. Germs can be transported from one room to another easily. WASH YOUR HANDS. I can’t say it enough.

Thanks for dropping by,

Austin of Sundrip Journals

**comments have been closed. This is now an archived post. Feel free to drop me a line at the guest book link found on the sidebar**