Anger and Ending Relationships 2

I’m angry with the way this relationship turned out because…..

I’m angry because staying with her hurt me. I wanted to hurt me.

We loathed her as much as we loath ourselves.

It makes me angry that sometimes sex was for the sole purpose of pushing myself over the line. Sometimes I used it to hurt me, to make me feel bad, to trigger anger issues and self loathing. I don’t know if she knew that or not. According to her wall calendar she couldn’t really tell just how disgusted I was with her. Sometimes I was driven by self destruction. Sex was a weapon against me, not her. I just want to make that clear. Hell, I’m not into hurting people (S&M isn’t up my alley) and I’m not into sex totally for myself (selfishness in bed is masturbation, why involve someone else if you’re just going to be there only for you.) I guess my point is, when it came to our sex life it was consensual but often there was a self destructive undertone. I think she would absolutely die if she knew that. I wanted to hate myself. I wanted to make God hate me. I wanted to feel disgusting a few hours later. I challenged myself to stay present the entire time so I could have every memory to break me later on. I used sex instead of a razor blade. It pisses me off that I used her that way. What does that make me? I also wonder if I’ll be more likely to pick up a blade now that the other tool for self injury is gone. I guess I want to drive home the point that our relations were consensual. Dr. B shocked the crap out of me one time when he asked me that. Hell yeah it was consensual. My goodness! The goal was to hurt me not her, to humiliate me not her all without her realizing my goal. Although the sex was always consensual and usually initiated by me there was never any physical violence and I tried my best to please her, but there was always an undertone of self destruction. Now that I think about it, if someone said all this to me I might inquire into rape behaviors. It still bothers me though because I don’t think I made it clear enough to him that the point was to hurt me not her and to keep that warped crap under wraps.

It pisses me off to think of how sick all this makes me.

That whole relationship was fucked up. Everything I did was wrong, and closer to the end everything she did I thought was wrong. She didn’t like that I only clean my litter box once a day. She didn’t like the kind of litter I use. Even though she admitted she couldn’t smell the boxes she still thought it would be better to get clumping litter instead of using pine chips. There wasn’t enough water in the cat bowls, the food I buy isn’t good enough. I should be brushing them more often than every Wednesday and for the love of Pete I might want to keep Captain from playing with their toys. She didn’t like my dog and I’m most offended by that. Who doesn’t like Captain Crunch? Bella is bad and Gracie is good. I didn’t like the distinctions she made between them because they are exactly like the distinctions made between my sister and myself. In all truthfulness, I see me in Bella (the bad one, the bold one) and I see much of my sisters need to please in Gracie (the good one, the quiet one). I don’t need old shit popping up when I look at my fur babies. I tried to separate then from now while looking at them but she made that kind of hard when she’d toss in “Mommy that feels good” as I neglectfully brushed them just once a week.

***comments are closed on therapy assignments***

Therapy Assignment: Anger and Ending Relationships
Sex as a weapon for emotional suicide
Saturday, February 24, 2007-12:59AM EST

See also Anger and ending relationships Part 1 of 2
and Anger and ending relationships Part 2 of 2