Prosecutor- Matlock representing Barney Fife
Defendant Perry Mason representing Aussie
Judge Otis Campbell Presiding
Trial: Aussie v Fife
Before a hushed jury Barney Fife takes the stand. He he turns to look the defendant in the eye knowing for sure he’s about to put her away for life. After all, this defendant called the board of health on him because of his yard. Never mind the extra toilet parts or the chemicals in unmarked containers or the nails so covered in rust just looking at them will give you lock jaw. He has a vendetta and his own justice was about to be served.
Bailiff Gomer Pyle says: Barney Fife, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth so help you God?
Barney: I do.
Matlock begins by tracing the jury bar line with his index finger slowly, deliberately, then he whips around and begins: On the night of February 23rd you left to go to Missouri did you not?
Barney: Yes sir I did and I left my home believing its contents were safe.
Matlock: Yes, I’m sure you did but what happened when you returned February 27th to the home you thought would be safe?
Barney: Well, everything seemed in order but when I went to have ice cream after dinner I noticed my New York Super Fudge Chunk® Ben & Jerry’s ice cream was missing.
(The jury gasps, Barney lowers his head and weeps)
Matlock: Do you need a moment sir?
Barney: No, I can go on.
Matlock: What happened next?
Barney: I went to my roommate, the defendant, and asked what happened to it and she swore up and down she didn’t know but I didn’t believe her.
Matlock: Why is that?
Barney: Because the calendar says she would have done this. She’s the only female in the house with … “a time”. The day it went missing was just before her “time.”
Matlock: May I enter Exhibit A your honor. This calendar clearly marks the days Ms. Austin will have her time.
Judge Otis Campbell to Barney: You keep her “time” on a calendar? Isn’t that kind of overly personal?
Barney: Yes your honor but you have to understand, Ms. Austin turns into a real bitch and I need some kind of heads up, some sort of advanced notice so I can get out of town, it’s for my own safety that I do this.
Defendant Attorney Perry Mason: Objection your honor! Aussie whispers to Mr. Mason “It’s true. I’m a bitch before my time. It’s safer if he gets out of town.”
Attorney Matlock continues- So you noticed it was gone and you asked her about her and she denied it but clearly the proof shows she was the only person who could have done it! The prosecution rests its case your honor.
Perry Mason calls Aussie to the stand. As she drags her weak and tired bones to the chair she has to stop to catch her breath. A few more steps are taken before her aging dog Captain Crunch hikes his leg to relieve himself before all the real pooh begins. On the stand she composes herself before Mr. Mason begins.
Perry Mason: Ms. Austin do you know Barney Fife?
Aussie: I do. He’s the slum landlord I’ve roomed with for two years now but in my heart there is a soft spot for him. I mean look at him, he’s all skinny and his hair is thinning, he can’t get a date and….
Attorney Matlock: Objection! Barney Fife whispers to his attorney, Its true, I can’t get a date to save my life.
Attorney Matlock: Well, then, just stick to the facts and leave your personal feelings out of this.
Perry Mason: Has it been easy living with him?
Aussie wipes the tears from her eyes and Captain lets out a long sigh and puts his head on her knee, the jury lets out a long “awwww” It’s been hard, it’s been really hard but I’ve managed.
Perry Mason: Tell me what happened the night of February 23rd, 2007.
Aussie: (Sniff, sniff) I couldn’t help myself. I had this strong craving. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could smell chocolate coming from the vents, from cracks in the wall, from everywhere and it was driving me crazy!
Perry Mason: What did you do?
Aussie: I looked in my own cabinets but I couldn’t find any. I was driven mad by hormonal cravings. I needed a fix. I needed one bad so I went in the kitchen where Barney Fife’s food is and I saw the ice cream. There it was Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk® !!!! I grabbed a spoon. Before you know it I was at the bottom of the bucket. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I couldn’t stop myself. These urges, they come and I lose my head and all I can think of is chocolate. Occasionally I want something salty but usually it’s chocolate I crave. Besides it was BEN AND JERRY’S right there, just sitting there calling to me. In a moment of weakness I … I ate it. (With just a squeak Aussie whispered) I was weak!
Perry Mason turns to Judge Otis Campbell
You know yourself what it’s like to not be able to help yourself. He turns to the jury, and each of you has had a weak point, a time in your life when things took a wrong turn. No, we can’t get the ice cream back but we can have mercy on this…this here woman who was in the throws of hormonal changes. I ask you to look into your hearts and find her not guilty by reason of hormonal insanity!
Moral of the story- Never eat your roommates ice cream while he’s out of town. I have to get up to Wal-mart to replace Barney’s Ben and Jerry’s before he gets home the 27th, tomorrow. My alligator tears may not weigh heavily enough on the hearts of the jury. I’m not jail material so I need to get his ice cream back before he even knows it was gone. If he ever finds out I’ll claim temporary hormonal insanity. I couldn’t help myself!
Aussie (innocent until proven guilty)
I can just see you on the stand, playing to the jury’s hearts with Captain’s head on your knee! This is so funny. I do hope you replace that ice cream in time, I really don’t want to have to visit you in jail.
Aussie
You should be writing articles, routines, something to use your talent because Lord knows you are talented as a writer! We know lots of time people use humor to deflect pain and hurt and shyness and you may be to some degree but never discount that you also have a talent that is rare.
Always eager to read your words
Keepers
I would have done it too. Damn Barney, he should have more sympathy!