Daily Archive for February 27th, 2007

Nervous About Therapy

Published on February 27, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

I’m nervous about therapy tomorrow. We cut this week. If he asks I can’t lie about it. What’s the point of lying to my therapist? I already told him that cutting is ours and that there will be times when we absolutely need to do it. He told me that he wouldn’t give me the whole line about how I don’t deserve to hurt and that he wouldn’t’ try and pressure me to stop. I told him that not cutting puts me at more of a risk for suicide than if I do just go ahead and cut.

In my head someone kept saying, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for needing to do this. Its odd because we do it just like when the mother hit us. We focus on something totally different, we leave, we sit in a dark room, often facing a wall on the floor or we sit in front of the TV watching nothing at all, some show we couldn’t tell you jack about, and cut until we’re done.

I did my assignment but I don’t know if it’s what it’s supposed to be. I felt like I tossed blame around and didn’t really address much, or maybe I’m wrong and I can’t keep in my head all that I wrote down. I tend to do that sometimes.
I’ve been up since 8am so I’m pretty tired right now. I’d like to stay up until 9pm at least so I don’t wake up at 6am or something like that. I’m just really nervous about therapy. Then of course Officer Le Perv is to come over and fix my PC at the charitable price of dirt cheap.

Usually when you get something in the mail from your insurance company it’s bad news but today they sent me a letter saying they’ve released me from the bondage of Medicaid Restricted Card. I’m now free to go see a doctor without having to go through red tape then offer up my first born. I was so surprised. The Restricted Card was such a burden for me. I could only go to one pharmacy. I had to have one doctor approve everything even before seeing a dentist or my psychiatrist/pdoc or my therapist. So now, I just give them my insurance card and I’m good to go. I was so happy to get that letter. It was a short letter, a thin envelope which to me meant they were stopping my coverage. Trust me, now is not the time to stop my coverage. But with a thin letter I was sure it was bad news but it wasn’t. As of TODAY I am no longer bound by Medicaid Restricted Card. (long sigh of relief)

I should eat something.

On the subject of self injury a page I call My Resources links to reliable information on why people self injure. There is a wealth of information on that page, everything from Postpartum Depression to Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder to OCD and beyond. There are also contact numbers and nationally recognized organizations who support survivors. The page is not graphic and does not give details of abuse or anything like that. It’s a page of information with a brief description of the link.

What is SI
Why do people deliberately injure themselves?
Who self-injures?
Causes history and causes
Living w/SI
Family/friend
References

Dr. Alderman, Ph.D. explains things with exceptional clarity. Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one Tracy Alderman, Ph.D. covers points on the page Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves hosted at The International Child and Youth Care Network.

I Miss Her Already

Published on February 27, 2007 in Art and Soapbox. 2 Comments

Emerald Friends UKIt seems my next door neighbor UK isn’t doing well at all. The cancer has spread to her lymph nodes. She’s scared, her abusive husband is scared but it doesn’t keep him from beating on her, her daughter is scared as is her young son and so am I. I worry about the two kids that’ll be left with him, drunken bastard! This is the girl that gave up on life a long time ago. She wouldn’t treat the Lupus and won’t treat the cancer because she’s tired. She a sexual abuse survivor. Her parents abandoned her and her 6 month old baby sister in the house until an uncle came months later and took them in. I believe she herself was 6 years old when her parents abandoned them. Her life has been extremely hard. She’s only 33 but man has she been through some shit. She’s ready to stop which is why she will not take the chemo and why she did not keep up with the treatments for the Lupus. She had blue ink like liquid coming out of her nipples. She’s not doing well at all. We went to McDonald’s yesterday to get her out of the house for a bit. Heck, despite Lupus and Cervical Cancer she’s still expected to make dinner and work as well as take care of a 16 year old daughter and an 8 year old boy. I wonder how on earth that girl stands up. Her uncle, the one that did not hurt her, says she works like a man. No, her family works her like a horse and somehow she just keeps going. If there ever really was a superwoman she’s it. But her body is ready to stop. Her hair is falling out but you know what? That girl is still strikingly beautiful.

This makes a person wonder how her life would have been had her parents not left, had one uncle not turned her out to the streets for profit, had he not hurt her, had she not married an abuser. Would she be ready to go so quickly, at age 33 would she be ready to toss in the towel and not take on this fight? Abuse makes you tired, healing makes you tired and this is one person ready to stop fighting. Child abuse kills. I miss her already.

Joan of Arc

Taking Back My Right To Sleep

Published on February 27, 2007 in Art, Dreams, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

My current therapist told me I needed to take back my right to sleep. I like the way he worded that. I’ve been thinking about it but I wasn’t really sure how to do it. I didn’t know where to start; heck I’ve been trying to tackling my issues with beds and bedrooms for a long time now. I’ve tried all kinds of things like sleeping on the floor on a pouch, sleeping on my dog’s bed, staying up until the sun comes up then going to sleep as well as a host of other things. It seems my ideas work for a little while then the fear comes back. Well, I have a new idea that I’ve been working with for a few weeks now. Truthfully, this idea goes against what sleep specialists tell you about getting to sleep. The reason I’ve gone directly against the advice of people who know what they’re talking about is because the situation I’m dealing with is different. My mind will shut off and allow me to sleep. I’m not laying in bed worrying about bills. I’m not tossing and turning or thinking about what’s on TV or thinking about 100 different things I could be doing. I’m worried about sleeping because of nightmares. My body will sleep and that to me is a big problem because with sleep comes nightmares and with nightmares comes more of a reason to force myself to stay awake.

Specialists say the bedroom should be for sleeping only, that you shouldn’t watch TV in there or have your PC in there or do paperwork and things along those lines. They say doing these things will keep you from getting a good nights sleep because you’re too distracted with what you could be doing. I understand this is good information IF a person isn’t dealing with fear of the bedroom itself as opposed to insomnia issues. I can sleep, I’m just afraid to. My environment has to be comfortable enough for me to give up my sense of security lie down and close my eyes and leave myself vulnerable to the world. The truth is, it is not the world I fear, it’s my mother. If I close my eyes I fear when I open them she’ll be standing there. That is my whole issue with sleeping, if I let go I do so at the risk of my safety. I can’t sleep at night, she’s coming here. That’s what goes through my head. It’s why I sleep in different rooms, in different locations, so she won’t immediately know where to find me. As irrational as it seems for a 35 year old woman to think this way, it is what goes through my head. This is the reason I sleep in different spots I the house. So again, the reason I tossed out proven sleep advice for my newest sleep position is because of PTSD issues not clinically diagnosed insomnia. I’m afraid of sleep and I’m afraid of the room so in my layman opinion this is more like a phobia and PTSD issue.

In order to address my needs I moved the lazy boy in the bedroom. I set up a small table beside the chair for my drink and writing utensils. One wall has book shelves all the way up the ceiling, fiction, biographies, autobiographies, history, dictionaries, antique books, you name it, it’s there. I have a small TV/VCR combination sitting beside 3 short shelves of DVD’s and VHS tapes. Basically I have the bedroom set up as a sitting area that just happens to have a bed in it. It’s a comfy, cozy spot with books, a recliner, a TV, candles, lap throws and big pillows. And like I said, it just so happens to have a bed in the corner. My idea was the change how I think about the room. I’m afraid of the bedroom. I’m afraid of it. I remember too well what happens in beds and even at 35 I can’t get it out of my head. So instead of nearly killing myself by staying awake until I drop I’ve got to try and find ways to get some comfortable sleep. So this time around I’m going to attack my thinking instead of trying to avoid that room all together. So in the room where I kick back and read, watch TV or hang out with the kitties there’s a queen size bed dressed with a cream coloured comforter, 4 cream coloured lacy pillow shams and a nice half dome shape head board. I found out a long time ago that I feel safer closer to the floor so the mattress and box springs are on the floor, no bed frame, nothing, just a nice bed with nice comfortable covers in the corner of a very inviting room.

I changed things over this way when I kicked Blossom to the curb. I’ve slept in there every single night. Yes, there have been nightmares but I don’t suspect that’ll go anywhere soon. My goal is to change how I think about the room so that I allow myself to sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I’ll end up doing real damage to my body. I can’t afford to do that. So, I’ve come up with yet another way to try and get some sleep. If for some reason this stops working I’ll try something else. I’ve tried aromatherapy, playing soft music while I sleep, putting the bed in a specific location in the room to maximize the feeling of safety and a host of other things. They all worked for awhile but as things in therapy came up the feeling of safety changed which means I had to change with it. If this happens I only hope I can be resourceful and come up with another plan of action.

Let me say this, if you find you have a problem that just won’t go away keep looking for ways to make yourself more comfortable. In my case, nightmares will be with me awhile. I can’t change that immediately, but what I can do is try and change certain aspects of my night life. I’m trying to change how I view the bedroom and maybe, just maybe I can get it through to my subconscious that a bed is for resting. It’s not a waiting room for an abuser to visit from the past.

In a bit I’ll have to write about how I changed my restroom around years ago to allow myself to actually go in there without vomiting. As recently as a year ago I got the hiccups simply walking through the restroom door. For me, the hiccups are a stress response. So, in a few days I suppose I’ll talk about what I did to the restroom and how many times it took me to change stuff around before I finally got it right for me.

Until again,
Austin

Dream Amongst The Flowers

Taking Back My Right To Sleep
Monday, February 26, 2007-11:49PM EST