The People Behind My Eyes

I’m nervous about therapy tomorrow. We cut this week. If he asks I can’t lie about it. What’s the point of lying to my therapist? I already told him that cutting is ours and that there will be times when we absolutely need to do it. He told me that he wouldn’t give me the whole line about how I don’t deserve to hurt and that he wouldn’t’ try and pressure me to stop. I told him that not cutting puts me at more of a risk for suicide than if I do just go ahead and cut.

In my head someone kept saying, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for needing to do this. Its odd because we do it just like when the mother hit us. We focus on something totally different, we leave, we sit in a dark room, often facing a wall on the floor or we sit in front of the TV watching nothing at all, some show we couldn’t tell you jack about, and cut until we’re done.

I did my assignment but I don’t know if it’s what it’s supposed to be. I felt like I tossed blame around and didn’t really address much, or maybe I’m wrong and I can’t keep in my head all that I wrote down. I tend to do that sometimes.
I’ve been up since 8am so I’m pretty tired right now. I’d like to stay up until 9pm at least so I don’t wake up at 6am or something like that. I’m just really nervous about therapy. Then of course Officer Le Perv is to come over and fix my PC at the charitable price of dirt cheap.

Usually when you get something in the mail from your insurance company it’s bad news but today they sent me a letter saying they’ve released me from the bondage of Medicaid Restricted Card. I’m now free to go see a doctor without having to go through red tape then offer up my first born. I was so surprised. The Restricted Card was such a burden for me. I could only go to one pharmacy. I had to have one doctor approve everything even before seeing a dentist or my psychiatrist/pdoc or my therapist. So now, I just give them my insurance card and I’m good to go. I was so happy to get that letter. It was a short letter, a thin envelope which to me meant they were stopping my coverage. Trust me, now is not the time to stop my coverage. But with a thin letter I was sure it was bad news but it wasn’t. As of TODAY I am no longer bound by Medicaid Restricted Card. (long sigh of relief)

I should eat something.

On the subject of self injury a page I call My Resources links to reliable information on why people self injure. There is a wealth of information on that page, everything from Postpartum Depression to Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder to OCD and beyond. There are also contact numbers and nationally recognized organizations who support survivors. The page is not graphic and does not give details of abuse or anything like that. It’s a page of information with a brief description of the link.

What is SI
Why do people deliberately injure themselves?
Who self-injures?
Causes history and causes
Living w/SI
Family/friend
References

Dr. Alderman, Ph.D. explains things with exceptional clarity. Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one Tracy Alderman, Ph.D. covers points on the page Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves hosted at The International Child and Youth Care Network.