Taking Back My Right To Sleep

My current therapist told me I needed to take back my right to sleep. I like the way he worded that. I’ve been thinking about it but I wasn’t really sure how to do it. I didn’t know where to start; heck I’ve been trying to tackling my issues with beds and bedrooms for a long time now. I’ve tried all kinds of things like sleeping on the floor on a pouch, sleeping on my dog’s bed, staying up until the sun comes up then going to sleep as well as a host of other things. It seems my ideas work for a little while then the fear comes back. Well, I have a new idea that I’ve been working with for a few weeks now. Truthfully, this idea goes against what sleep specialists tell you about getting to sleep. The reason I’ve gone directly against the advice of people who know what they’re talking about is because the situation I’m dealing with is different. My mind will shut off and allow me to sleep. I’m not laying in bed worrying about bills. I’m not tossing and turning or thinking about what’s on TV or thinking about 100 different things I could be doing. I’m worried about sleeping because of nightmares. My body will sleep and that to me is a big problem because with sleep comes nightmares and with nightmares comes more of a reason to force myself to stay awake.

Specialists say the bedroom should be for sleeping only, that you shouldn’t watch TV in there or have your PC in there or do paperwork and things along those lines. They say doing these things will keep you from getting a good nights sleep because you’re too distracted with what you could be doing. I understand this is good information IF a person isn’t dealing with fear of the bedroom itself as opposed to insomnia issues. I can sleep, I’m just afraid to. My environment has to be comfortable enough for me to give up my sense of security lie down and close my eyes and leave myself vulnerable to the world. The truth is, it is not the world I fear, it’s my mother. If I close my eyes I fear when I open them she’ll be standing there. That is my whole issue with sleeping, if I let go I do so at the risk of my safety. I can’t sleep at night, she’s coming here. That’s what goes through my head. It’s why I sleep in different rooms, in different locations, so she won’t immediately know where to find me. As irrational as it seems for a 35 year old woman to think this way, it is what goes through my head. This is the reason I sleep in different spots I the house. So again, the reason I tossed out proven sleep advice for my newest sleep position is because of PTSD issues not clinically diagnosed insomnia. I’m afraid of sleep and I’m afraid of the room so in my layman opinion this is more like a phobia and PTSD issue.

In order to address my needs I moved the lazy boy in the bedroom. I set up a small table beside the chair for my drink and writing utensils. One wall has book shelves all the way up the ceiling, fiction, biographies, autobiographies, history, dictionaries, antique books, you name it, it’s there. I have a small TV/VCR combination sitting beside 3 short shelves of DVD’s and VHS tapes. Basically I have the bedroom set up as a sitting area that just happens to have a bed in it. It’s a comfy, cozy spot with books, a recliner, a TV, candles, lap throws and big pillows. And like I said, it just so happens to have a bed in the corner. My idea was the change how I think about the room. I’m afraid of the bedroom. I’m afraid of it. I remember too well what happens in beds and even at 35 I can’t get it out of my head. So instead of nearly killing myself by staying awake until I drop I’ve got to try and find ways to get some comfortable sleep. So this time around I’m going to attack my thinking instead of trying to avoid that room all together. So in the room where I kick back and read, watch TV or hang out with the kitties there’s a queen size bed dressed with a cream coloured comforter, 4 cream coloured lacy pillow shams and a nice half dome shape head board. I found out a long time ago that I feel safer closer to the floor so the mattress and box springs are on the floor, no bed frame, nothing, just a nice bed with nice comfortable covers in the corner of a very inviting room.

I changed things over this way when I kicked Blossom to the curb. I’ve slept in there every single night. Yes, there have been nightmares but I don’t suspect that’ll go anywhere soon. My goal is to change how I think about the room so that I allow myself to sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I’ll end up doing real damage to my body. I can’t afford to do that. So, I’ve come up with yet another way to try and get some sleep. If for some reason this stops working I’ll try something else. I’ve tried aromatherapy, playing soft music while I sleep, putting the bed in a specific location in the room to maximize the feeling of safety and a host of other things. They all worked for awhile but as things in therapy came up the feeling of safety changed which means I had to change with it. If this happens I only hope I can be resourceful and come up with another plan of action.

Let me say this, if you find you have a problem that just won’t go away keep looking for ways to make yourself more comfortable. In my case, nightmares will be with me awhile. I can’t change that immediately, but what I can do is try and change certain aspects of my night life. I’m trying to change how I view the bedroom and maybe, just maybe I can get it through to my subconscious that a bed is for resting. It’s not a waiting room for an abuser to visit from the past.

In a bit I’ll have to write about how I changed my restroom around years ago to allow myself to actually go in there without vomiting. As recently as a year ago I got the hiccups simply walking through the restroom door. For me, the hiccups are a stress response. So, in a few days I suppose I’ll talk about what I did to the restroom and how many times it took me to change stuff around before I finally got it right for me.

Until again,
Austin

Taking Back My Right To Sleep
Monday, February 26, 2007-11:49PM EST