Monthly Archive for March, 2007

Gracie - Special Kitty - Blossom

Published
by
Austin
on March 31, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Gratitude Journal and Relationships
. 4 Comments

I spoke to the vet and she feels there’s no reason to bring Gracie in immediately and that we can wait until Monday to get her in. What I told her about Gracie is that she does everything normally EXCEPT that she seems hungry all the time, ferociously hungry all the time and thirsty. And she goes to the litter box all the time anymore. The vet said it sounded as if she might have diabetes but that at age 2 it wasn’t likely but bring her in on Monday to have her checked out. I don’t get paid until Tuesday so we’re taking her in on Tuesday. My check goes direct deposit so there’s no waiting for the mail or anything like that. The vet is an $8 cab ride down the street. I’m fine with that.

I’m relieved for right now. But of course worried about what the hell I’m about to get charged at the vet. Whatever it is we’ll make arrangements. Gracie is my “good morning, I love you” kitty. The one that wakes me with a perfect purr and a soft forehead on mine as she leaves a trail of slobber across my cheek. My good morning, I love you kitty will get her care. Here I am cheesing all over myself thinking about her antics this morning. She falls all over the place, rubbing up against me, putting her forehead on mine, drooling as she purrs, making bread dough on my shoulder and just celebrating that I’m awake. How can a person not love this chubby ball of fur?

Something did happen earlier this evening. In my panic I called Blossom to see if she could take me to the emergency vet. I then called to make sure the vet was open. She and I discussed Gracie’s symptoms and decided there wasn’t a need to bring her in right then. I called Blossom back and we talked for about an hour or longer and agreed to meet tomorrow to go to the grocery store. The whole time I was talking in the back of my head I kept hearing, “We’ve made too much progress for this. Don’t do this Austin.” We hung up and maybe 30 min later called her back to cancel. We told her it was totally inappropriate for us to call her like that and not fair for her at all but that we were really sorry and needed to not meet.

I will “gladly” pay another $30 to get to the store this month if it means keeping the peace in this house. It won’t cost me that much this month, thank goodness but the point is, I’d pay it if it meant keeping the peace and bit of sanity I have. I’ve got other options right now and transportation won’t be that difficult if I plan ahead. Round trip via Open Door is $6.00. They’ll take me from my door step to the door of the store then pick me right back up and drop me off at my front step. No fuss just six bucks. I can go to the store 6 times for $30 and not be rushed. So heck, I think I win. So I called her back and apologized thoroughly because I acted on impulse. But one mistake doesn’t mean I have to compound it by keeping in contact with her or meeting her for this that and the other. I don’t want that for myself.

It feels like I have grown in the last few months and I want to keep that growth. I give credit not just to my own determination to heal but to my friends who have supported me via email and by phone. I’m grateful for the support because without it I might have decided to discount all this and go head first into that brick wall I got to know so intimately.

Lesson: Don’t turn a fender bender into a train wreck.
It’s a good thing I have air bags (support) or I might have really crashed hard. Red flags! Arms waving back and forth holding flairs … that’s what I saw when talking to her. Turn back now Austin, turn back now! I turned back.

Austin
Gracie - Special Kitty - Blossom
Saturday, March 31, 2007-11:40PM EST

 

Special Kitty and Gracie

Published
by
Austin
on March 31, 2007
in Pets and Soapbox
. 4 Comments

I am scared beyond scared. Yeah, I fed her some of the recalled food 3 weeks ago but she regularly gets Special Kitty Tartar Control treats in a pouch which contains the ingredients Menu foods says may have caused the problem. I am nearly sick with worry. I’ve got all the Special Kitty stuff here and the canned Ol-Roy that she ate is here too. I have the receipts. Sometimes I’m thankful for OCD or I wouldn’t have a simple receipt for a can of cat food from a month ago.

I do not have a dime until the 3rd and it’s not as if I can rush her in anywhere offering a cab driver promise of payment. I’ve thought about calling Blossom but damn that means letter her back in my life and I sure don’t want to do that. But I’m not sure what else to do. I have no transportation, my roommate isn’t going to be able to help because he has so many obligations right now. I’m worried. I don’t know if I should call Blossom who surely would high tale it over here and help take Gracie in, that is if her car is still running. I’m scared to death because the amount of Special Kitty in this house is just amazing. Their dry food (with the same ingredient) is Special Kitty and as are the tarter control things (with the same ingredient) and then of course the unopened canned food from them and the Ol’Roy that she had a few weeks ago. It angers me and it sickens me, especially since I found out that these items were on sale just before the recall. What the fuck is wrong with people? It better not fucking be the Special Kitty that’s done something to her. I’m pissed and I’m scared and I’m worried because I know I don’t have a dime until the 3rd but even if a vet would accept a check a cab would not accept a post dated check. There is no other form of immediate transportation available to me.

Austin

Gracie Kitten Extraordinaire

Published
by
Austin
on March 30, 2007
in Humor, Pets and Soapbox
. 5 Comments

Well, somethings not right with Gracie. I was going to take her to the vet today but that didn’t happen. I have to wait. I talked to a friend about her behavior and it’s probably that she has a tape worm. She seems to ravage food but also her attitude has changed. She’s gotten mean with Bella. Bell runs from her and hisses at her because Gracie’s hurting her poor little self. So, as soon as I can I’ll take her in to see what’s up with her. She’s gained a good 3 pounds in I’d say a week, maybe 10 days. I don’t know but she worries me. She gives out this little cry that just breaks my heart. She drinks just fine and when she’s not hurting Bella she plays just fine but something’s not right so I’m going to take her in.

This is the same cat that had the seizures due to poisoning. That poor kid can’t catch a break. She looks absolutely beautiful with more weight on her but since her behavior has changed, especially her eating habits, then I have to be really concerned. Gracie isn’t a mean cat but it seems here recently she’s mean. Poor Bell runs away from her. It’s just sad. At first Bell weighed more than Gracie but now Grace has passed her up big time. I expected weight gain after being fixed (January 9th of this year) but I didn’t expect meanness or for her to act like she’s never eaten before in her life. She eats so much that she vomits.

If there's a blog where this sign would fit take it. If you prefer different colors let me know and I'll make it.

Other than watching over Gracie and protecting Bella my day has been nothing but fighting spammers. I had to close 10 different entries that were attacked by the same jackass.

When new people comment I look up their IP address and the name they gave to see if they’re really leaving a comment or opening up a slot for spam. One person I did this with had been kicked off the wilkipedia site. Her IP address had been banned. That’s bad! She even dogged her apartment building on their own site. She said that in like 2002. She seems to have a habit of leaving spam and negative comments. Nothing’s safe on the net. If you said it and clicked send it’s out there for good. One lady turned out to be a frikin racist. The stuff she said about other races was nothing but shameful but had I not looked her up I never would have known her true nature. Her comments aren’t welcome on this blog. Perhaps she didn’t read the ‘about me’ page where it mentions I’m one of those people she feels has no moral fiber. But you know, spammers spam at will. They don’t check to see if the blog is someone they approve of, they just send their spam bots and seek out decent bloggers like myself. Anyway though, so I do a quick Google search of new comments and if it looks okay I let ‘em in but if not, bye bye! My comment policy is on the sidebar so if you ever need a reminder that there is no Comment Constitution you can move your eyes to the right and viola there it is, the comment policy showing you have no inherent rights on this blog.

If there's a blog where this sign would fit take it. If you prefer different colors let me know and I'll make it.

Last but not least, I had to add the word “spam” to words the moderation program catches. So if for some reason you use that word in your comments it’ll get sent to moderation and I’ll pull it out. I check the comments before clearing out that box. I have to do it daily seeing as how recently I’ve gotten up to 400 spams a day. Jackasses!!!

Yes, yes. I know Beauty. :-) I know you don’t get spammed like this on your square space blog. Must be nice The joy I feel for you right now abounds. ;-)

Austin

Picture Perfect

Published
by
Austin
on March 29, 2007
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD
. 1 Comment

Our family was like a picture perfect chocolate cake. Three layers of rich, thick icing swirled to a delicious fudge confection. It looks great on the outside, mouth watering. But when you slice it that’s when you see the maggots. But if you don’t all you get is the best looking cake in the bakery.

I re-wrote part of the dream this morning but there are a few things that stick out about them that I thought I’d process out. In the actual dream no one paid attention to her odd behavior. They went on about life like nothing was out of the ordinary. In real life people saw what my mother did to her children and didn’t do a damn thing to stop it. They went on about life like nothing was wrong. They saw her beat my lips with a wide tooth comb until they bled. We sat in a gathering hall when she did it. Perhaps they were shocked, too shocked to act. Or maybe they didn’t see that because it was pretty empty and people were leaving. We were towards the front. I didn’t kick or scream as I laid across her lap. Now I’m back peddling because I wonder just how obvious it was that she was hurting her children? For real, who on earth would think this woman who you never saw out of a business suit, who made a good 120 grand a year working for GM would actually be a sadistic pedophile? Was it obvious to anyone but me and my sister? Did she have us so frightened that we didn’t even let on that things had gone horribly awry at home? I mean hell, we were dressed in those little velvet dresses with the patented leather shoes, a little hat to match. We were polite and picture perfect. Could people see past the image projected and see the truth, see the scars under our dresses, under our hats and on our hands?

As I got older and I wasn’t so silent anymore the mother had a few questions to answer at school. When social services got involved she pulled us out and we were on the run, living in the car or changing our address on paper to get us in a different school. Man, she really must have wanted us around for her games. She sure went through a lot of trouble to keep us to herself.

I try not to wonder about the girls in the club she started when I was in the 4th grade. Girls from my school and from my neighborhood came over and she took us to pizza parties and to the skating rink. She skated with us, she played baseball outside with us, played kickball and ran up and down the street in foot races. The kids in the neighborhood loved her. She wasn’t wearing a suit then I suppose but you let us leave the house even for the grocery store and she was dressed like she was going to a meeting. Anyway, I remember racing with her up and down the street at that 4th grade house. She always ran faster than me. Even when I got older, like the 6th grade she still ran faster than me. It was a standing joke between us for years that my old mother could out run her youngest daughter. I thought it was funny and still kinda do. That is actually a good memory, playing sports outside with her. But the girls, did they ever become victims of hers? Did she grope outside of home? I don’t know the answer to that question and I suppose that I never will.

Man, people must have thought we were the best family on the block. Our mom took them skating and swimming, played sports with them and dressed her kids well. Funny though, the kids never came in the house so they only got to see what the mother wanted them to see. Had they come inside the picture perfect image would have faded in filth covered walls, stripped beds and mice that out numbered the times she beat her children senselessly.

Picture Perfect
March 29, 2007

Dream Therapy: Fragmented Not Destroyed Part 1 of 2

Published
by
Austin
on March 29, 2007
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 0 Comments

The assignment will be for me to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it so that it turns out the way I want it to turn out, so that I’m the victor and not the victim.

Dream:

There’s a framed picture of me at about six years old sitting on top of a book shelf. The framed picture exists but I keep it put up. This is the picture here. My sister and I went back to our apartment because we forgot something. We walked in and the maid (male) was cleaning up. He moved the bookshelf to sweep under it and knocked off the picture but didn’t realize it. I found it shattered. It was shattered oddly though. It shattered half of the head and a bit of the face then the entire frame right up to the edge where the glass meets the picture was destroyed. I could see the lower half of my body untouched by the breakage and part of my face untouched by the breakage. There were a few minor cracks but for the most part the glass over those places went untouched while the rest was broken off and in pieces on the floor. So it wasn’t just the frame that shattered but the picture broke off and fell onto the floor as well.

Continue reading ‘Dream Therapy: Fragmented Not Destroyed Part 1 of 2′

Dream Therapy Fragmented Not Destroyed Part 2 of 2

Published
by
Austin
on March 29, 2007
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams and Therapy Assignments
. 0 Comments

The assignment will be for me to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it so that it turns out the way I want it to turn out, so that I’m the victor and not the victim.

Ending One:

It’s late, the mall is closing so I rush to the bus stop but I see the bus pulling off. The driver sees me and pulls over to let me on. Out of the window I see my mother on all fours with skates on her hands and feet and a dog harness around her with the leash standing erect. She can’t stand on the skates and is about to crash into the grass. I watch as a police car pulls up to ask the odd woman if she’s okay. “Yes, I’m just getting exercise” she says. The officer gets out of the car and asks the odd woman to sit down. She needs help turning over to sit, the erect leash collapses beside her. After a brief talk the officer realizes the odd dog lady is in need of psychiatric attention and calls for an ambulance to take her to be euthanized evaluated. I arrive home to see her on the news being taken by the police in a straight jacket. She looks good in white.

Ending Two:

I’ve got plenty of time before the bus arrives but I decide to sit outside and enjoy the breeze. Just as I get comfortable I notice my mother on all fours with skates on her hands and feet. Irritated I go over to her and ask her what on earth she’s doing. She tells me she’s out for some exercise. “Mama, you’re a fat lady with skates on her hands and feet. This isn’t exercise this is insanity.” I take the leash and drag her into the grass. She falls over. On lookers gather and the police are called. I explain to Officer Nice that this woman is in need of help because her bazaar behavior has escalated to skating on all fours with a dog harness on. He asks if I would like to take her home and care for her. I was shocked and utterly appalled at the thought of her in my home but I didn’t let on. “No I said. She’s too far gone. You’re gonna need to take her in.” Just then the news cameras show up to see Mama (who looks good in her white straight jacket) being taken away in an ambulance to the nearest insane asylum. The news woman interviews me. “Was it hard growing up with her?” “Oh yes” I said. “I tried everything as a child to keep her from these odd behaviors but she just got worse and worse”. “Oh you poor thing.” I turn to the camera with my puppy dog brown eyes and nod in agreement. “So many times I stayed home from school and cared for her, hoping she’d regain her sanity but it never happened. I wished on stars, I threw pennies in wishing wells but it never happened…not until today when you fine people came and took her the hell out of my life to go get help.” The newswoman turns to the camera, “So there you have it. A dedicated daughter finally gets her wish.” I wave to Mama as she’s driven away. The bus pulls up, I get on and he refuses to accept my fare saying I’d just been refunded some of the pennies I threw in my wishing well.

 

**I can tell there are going to be times when I really like dream therapy but I’m sure there will be a time when it’s not this funny.**

Austin

Fragmented Not Destroyed Part 1 of 2 - original dream unaltered with shattered picture frame dream
Fragmented Not Destroyed Part 2 of 2 - Mama on skates re-written
Thursday, March 29, 2007

One Hour Before Therapy

Published
by
Austin
on March 28, 2007
in Humor and Pets
. 2 Comments

What Cap is supposed to look like on therapy day

Well, Captain Crunch was going to go to therapy with me today but he had other plans. He decided to roll in the mud. Damn dog! This is what he’s supposed to look like on therapy day but if you add a it of mud and a musty smell then you’ve got yourself an updated picture.

He’s feeling so much better after being put on Transfer Factor. So much better that yesterday he jumped the fence to go visit a Shepherd across the street. Good thing he comes back on command…the first command and not two or three later. So, Cap stays home because the cab will be here in an hour! There’s no time to clean him up and get my crap together. Such is life. He’d better be happy he’s officially retired or I’d be a tad bit upset. The little bugger!

Continue reading ‘One Hour Before Therapy’

Just Junk

Published
by
Austin
on March 27, 2007
in General Chatter
. 12 Comments

 

Austin

 

Just another manic Monday Tuesday. I had therapy today then came home and talked on the phone for who knows how long. I just wanted to mess around and not concentrate on therapy at all so I shot the breeze on the phone. I go back tomorrow but that’s the last time this week. I’m twice a week now. Yesterday they called me to let me know there was an opening today so I went in. I suppose after this odd week I’ll be regularly going every Tuesday and every Thursday. I get a new therapy assignment tomorrow.

I started playing with the camera and took shots of myself and of course of the trees and Cappy Crunch. I’m actually posting my pic with the double chin and crooked smile and all. But this is me, chubby chick with her hat on backwards.

I figure in a day or so I’ll surprise the heck out of people when I write a few entries about two topics that have been on my mind lately. One is all the commercials about male enhancement meds and the other is about breeding dogs and cats. The first subject might seem like I’m about to attack that guy on the commercials that jumps from a pool “standing up.” But, nope, I don’t have a problem with these commercials at all. I think they give men a way of talking when before the norm was to shut them up when it came to feelings and emotions, even health. So, I’ll be talking about that. And about breeders and the points they’re clearly missing about producing more animals in an already over populated country. But, that will have to wait because I have to get some sleep before therapy. The cab came early and I all but dried off in the back seat. I got a guy from Siera Leone today. He asked if I smoke weed. No, no I sure don’t. Why are you asking? He said he just wanted to know. Yeah, okay, whatever. I’m telling you I could start a whole different blog on the conversations I’ve had with cab drivers. There is one I’ve been meaning to write about but I never got around to it. He and I talk about interesting things all the time. Our last conversation was about taking care of a sick loved one while still caring for your own needs. I like talking to that guy. I got a cabby with turrets syndrome the other day. That wasn’t good. There comes a time when you’ve got to say, “I can’t drive anymore.” It was way past time for him to say that. He scared the crap out of me.

I guess that’s all for now

Ciao,

Austin

Dream Therapy: 4th Grade House and Grandpa

Published
by
Austin
on March 26, 2007
in Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 2 Comments

The problem with writing this dream down is that I should have done it two days ago when I had it but I’ll try and write as much as I remember.

The idea of dream therapy is to write down a nightmare and then re-write it so you come out the victor and not the victim.

The dream started off at the house we lived in during the 4th grade which for me was a pivotal year. In the back of the house was a huge field, a well kept field though. It was never over grown. In this dream the field was filled with golden coloured wheat that caught the sun and about blinded you if you looked dead at it. But if you looked for just a few seconds you could catch the beauty and leave behind the sun spots in your eyes. Also in the field were wolves that looked to catch young people off guard. If you didn’t watch behind you at all times one of these black wolves would come out and snatch you up so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you until it was too late. In the other part of the dream the family was driving in the car which was a black cutlass supreme supped up and chromed out to the hilt. My mother liked her cars kinda sporty. The strange thing was that my grandfather was driving, my mother was shot gun, my sister and I were in the back seat. We drove down a high way that is always in my dreams and past this golden field. The mother talked about how to look at it just right so as not to hurt your eyes. She said the moon had to be “warm” for your eyes to catch sight of this and not be stricken a headache.

Instead of heading home I told the grandfather that I wanted something sweet so he stopped at a local store which does not exist. It has, however, come up in my dreams several times. I hopped out with my sister but they didn’t have anything I wanted so we got back in the car to go home. Instead of going home he drove to the little strip mall that’s always in my dreams. This little mall does exist and it by the house from the 4th grade. Strangely when we drove onto the grounds of the mall it was no longer spring but winter. My grandfather started driving the car uncontrollably, spinning his wheels, driving fast then slamming on the breaks, doing donuts and just acting crazy. My sister and I started praying out loud. He eventually stopped the car. We all jumped out, including him but he was so mad that he back me into the trunk of the car and started punching me in the face and in the stomach. I refused to hit him back. In the dream I was able to but I chose not to. I didn’t want to hit him. I just kept blocking and ducking and taking punch after punch until the mother stepped in to try and stop him. She kept throwing him off of me but he got right back up and started again. She’d throw him off of me again only to have him get back up and start punching me all over again. Finally she threw him hard enough in the snow that he didn’t get back up in time to stop us from all jumping in the car and racing away leaving him stranded in the parking lot.

The dream ended there.

Even thought the idea of dream therapy is to re-write the dream so you come out as the victor and not the victim I don’t think I’m going to touch this dream at all. I like it just the way it happened. My mother never, ever, ever stood up for me, not once. So if a dream world exists where she stands up for her daughter then I say let that dream world exist without therapeutic manipulation. I won’t be rewriting this dream.

Recurrent dream themes: mini mall, the highway, the field, fourth grade house, wolves, change in seasons

Brand new: mother protects her daughter, grandfather appears in dream

Feelings upon waking: satisfied, intrigued

 

Austin
Dream Therapy: Fourth Grade House and Grandpa
Monday, March 26, 2007- 11:31PM EST

Dog Tired

Published
by
Austin
on March 24, 2007
in Humor and Pets
. 7 Comments

What could he have done to make himself this dog tired? Well, it had to do with mud, an old toy and lack of adult supervision.

just look at cha! all muddy and what not

Of course the first thing that went through my mind was “You had a bath a week ago! Now look at you!”

While taking the shots I noticed that Bella wanted to get in on the fun. She tried to escape into the yard but quick thinking got her back inside. Bella NO!

While Ma's not looking I'll escape

I guess that wasn’t quick thinking it was more like quick screaming. See, Bell seems to think she can take on the world. But you just let her get out here with some of the real animals and the squirrels will be kickin’ her domesticated butt all over the yard. Like me in the safety of a cab, Bell has such strength behind the safety of a closed picture window. This is the same chick that thought she could take Cap when she was no bigger than a Twinkie. She raised her back and hissed at him. His paw was bigger than her body and she’d felt his wrath before so what was she thinking? She fell asleep by his feet once….once only… Cap kicks in his sleep so she went airborne big time. Back then all he had to do was sneeze hard and she went toppling over. Gracie tried to escape too but her escapes are fine because she’ll only sit on the porch looking around. She won’t move. She doesn’t care to explore the yard. The good thing is they’re both harness trained so when I take them out (without them escaping) they can explore safely and with as much attitude as they can muster. As I’ve said, Bell has a big one and its what I love about her. I still have issues with her using me as her personal Kleenex but I try to remember what Silvery Lizard said, “It’s a form of communication in my house.” I just wish she’d communicate without body fluids is all I’m saying.

My buddy, my brother in paws, pal with a cold nose, Captain Crunch

So after Captain’s wild and crazy rolling in the mud with a toy that’s been buried in the snow, been rained on and is sure to be saturated with bacteria he came in to take a nap.

Austin