Monthly Archive for March, 2007

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Just Junk

Published on March 27, 2007 in For the Record. 12 Comments

 

Austin

 

Just another manic Monday Tuesday. I had therapy today then came home and talked on the phone for who knows how long. I just wanted to mess around and not concentrate on therapy at all so I shot the breeze on the phone. I go back tomorrow but that’s the last time this week. I’m twice a week now. Yesterday they called me to let me know there was an opening today so I went in. I suppose after this odd week I’ll be regularly going every Tuesday and every Thursday. I get a new therapy assignment tomorrow.

I started playing with the camera and took shots of myself and of course of the trees and Cappy Crunch. I’m actually posting my pic with the double chin and crooked smile and all. But this is me, chubby chick with her hat on backwards.

I figure in a day or so I’ll surprise the heck out of people when I write a few entries about two topics that have been on my mind lately. One is all the commercials about male enhancement meds and the other is about breeding dogs and cats. The first subject might seem like I’m about to attack that guy on the commercials that jumps from a pool “standing up.” But, nope, I don’t have a problem with these commercials at all. I think they give men a way of talking when before the norm was to shut them up when it came to feelings and emotions, even health. So, I’ll be talking about that. And about breeders and the points they’re clearly missing about producing more animals in an already over populated country. But, that will have to wait because I have to get some sleep before therapy. The cab came early and I all but dried off in the back seat. I got a guy from Siera Leone today. He asked if I smoke weed. No, no I sure don’t. Why are you asking? He said he just wanted to know. Yeah, okay, whatever. I’m telling you I could start a whole different blog on the conversations I’ve had with cab drivers. There is one I’ve been meaning to write about but I never got around to it. He and I talk about interesting things all the time. Our last conversation was about taking care of a sick loved one while still caring for your own needs. I like talking to that guy. I got a cabby with turrets syndrome the other day. That wasn’t good. There comes a time when you’ve got to say, “I can’t drive anymore.” It was way past time for him to say that. He scared the crap out of me.

I guess that’s all for now

Ciao,

Austin

Dream Therapy: 4th Grade House and Grandpa

Published on March 26, 2007 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 2 Comments

The problem with writing this dream down is that I should have done it two days ago when I had it but I’ll try and write as much as I remember.

The idea of dream therapy is to write down a nightmare and then re-write it so you come out the victor and not the victim.

The dream started off at the house we lived in during the 4th grade which for me was a pivotal year. In the back of the house was a huge field, a well kept field though. It was never over grown. In this dream the field was filled with golden coloured wheat that caught the sun and about blinded you if you looked dead at it. But if you looked for just a few seconds you could catch the beauty and leave behind the sun spots in your eyes. Also in the field were wolves that looked to catch young people off guard. If you didn’t watch behind you at all times one of these black wolves would come out and snatch you up so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you until it was too late. In the other part of the dream the family was driving in the car which was a black cutlass supreme supped up and chromed out to the hilt. My mother liked her cars kinda sporty. The strange thing was that my grandfather was driving, my mother was shot gun, my sister and I were in the back seat. We drove down a high way that is always in my dreams and past this golden field. The mother talked about how to look at it just right so as not to hurt your eyes. She said the moon had to be “warm” for your eyes to catch sight of this and not be stricken a headache.

Instead of heading home I told the grandfather that I wanted something sweet so he stopped at a local store which does not exist. It has, however, come up in my dreams several times. I hopped out with my sister but they didn’t have anything I wanted so we got back in the car to go home. Instead of going home he drove to the little strip mall that’s always in my dreams. This little mall does exist and it by the house from the 4th grade. Strangely when we drove onto the grounds of the mall it was no longer spring but winter. My grandfather started driving the car uncontrollably, spinning his wheels, driving fast then slamming on the breaks, doing donuts and just acting crazy. My sister and I started praying out loud. He eventually stopped the car. We all jumped out, including him but he was so mad that he back me into the trunk of the car and started punching me in the face and in the stomach. I refused to hit him back. In the dream I was able to but I chose not to. I didn’t want to hit him. I just kept blocking and ducking and taking punch after punch until the mother stepped in to try and stop him. She kept throwing him off of me but he got right back up and started again. She’d throw him off of me again only to have him get back up and start punching me all over again. Finally she threw him hard enough in the snow that he didn’t get back up in time to stop us from all jumping in the car and racing away leaving him stranded in the parking lot.

The dream ended there.

Even thought the idea of dream therapy is to re-write the dream so you come out as the victor and not the victim I don’t think I’m going to touch this dream at all. I like it just the way it happened. My mother never, ever, ever stood up for me, not once. So if a dream world exists where she stands up for her daughter then I say let that dream world exist without therapeutic manipulation. I won’t be rewriting this dream.

Recurrent dream themes: mini mall, the highway, the field, fourth grade house, wolves, change in seasons

Brand new: mother protects her daughter, grandfather appears in dream

Feelings upon waking: satisfied, intrigued

Austin
Dream Therapy: Fourth Grade House and Grandpa
Monday, March 26, 2007- 11:31PM EST

Dog Tired

Published on March 24, 2007 in Humor and Pets. 7 Comments Tags: .

What could he have done to make himself this dog tired? Well, it had to do with mud, an old toy and lack of adult supervision.

just look at cha! all muddy and what not

Of course the first thing that went through my mind was “You had a bath a week ago! Now look at you!”

While taking the shots I noticed that Bella wanted to get in on the fun. She tried to escape into the yard but quick thinking got her back inside. Bella NO!

While Ma's not looking I'll escape

I guess that wasn’t quick thinking it was more like quick screaming. See, Bell seems to think she can take on the world. But you just let her get out here with some of the real animals and the squirrels will be kickin’ her domesticated butt all over the yard. Like me in the safety of a cab, Bell has such strength behind the safety of a closed picture window. This is the same chick that thought she could take Cap when she was no bigger than a Twinkie. She raised her back and hissed at him. His paw was bigger than her body and she’d felt his wrath before so what was she thinking? She fell asleep by his feet once….once only… Cap kicks in his sleep so she went airborne big time. Back then all he had to do was sneeze hard and she went toppling over. Gracie tried to escape too but her escapes are fine because she’ll only sit on the porch looking around. She won’t move. She doesn’t care to explore the yard. The good thing is they’re both harness trained so when I take them out (without them escaping) they can explore safely and with as much attitude as they can muster. As I’ve said, Bell has a big one and its what I love about her. I still have issues with her using me as her personal Kleenex but I try to remember what Silvery Lizard said, “It’s a form of communication in my house.” I just wish she’d communicate without body fluids is all I’m saying.

My buddy, my brother in paws, pal with a cold nose, Captain Crunch

So after Captain’s wild and crazy rolling in the mud with a toy that’s been buried in the snow, been rained on and is sure to be saturated with bacteria he came in to take a nap.

Austin

What Would It Take?

Published on March 23, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Gratitude Journal and Mental Health. 3 Comments

Jeweled Mask

I talked to Keepers about my artwork and she asked a very interesting question. What is it an artist wants their art to look like so they themselves are satisfied with it? What would my art have to look like for me to say it’s good? Ha! Well, I don’t know but what I do know is I have like 5 different versions of Lady of Turquoise and I’m still not really happy with it. I think I like this last (final, never messing with this painting again) version best called Jeweled Mask. It has a different feel to it, not as intense as the other but I still like it. Even so, I have no answer for Keepers’ question. What would it take for me to like my own artwork? Continue reading ‘What Would It Take?’

Just Stuff

Published on March 23, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Therapy. 4 Comments

I still haven’t gotten around to anyone else’s blog but I suppose when I’m able I will. We talked to the therapist today and he really got an ear full. He talked to Crystal and Samantha, which was what needed to happen but I don’t think he expected that kind of emotion or that kind of information. We’re twice a week again now.

You know what? We are really scared and tired…….just very tired and yeah we are ready to stop but mostly we’re too physically tired to do anything. And besides, Morton hasn’t said yes, in fact he said no so it’s not like anyone is going to go and try anything. We’re just tired.

The trigger is those damn pictures, which have been put up again. The little girl that’s suppose to be us just brings so much crap back and it really pisses some of us off and it hurts to look at the different little “me” pictures and know that I don’t know that child. I do have a very good idea of when we split, who can know really, but if I had a guess I can think of a time when it would have happened. And when I see the pictures of that child after that I don’t see the same child and that pisses me off too. It’s too late in the evening to talk about that though. I’ve got to get some sleep.

I know it scares people when we say stuff like this but if we don’t and we keep it in our head then it gets worse so we say it.

I have to go to sleep now. I want a donut but I’m not going to walk over to the VP at 3am. Maybe I don’t even want a donut, just something to put in my mouth, to fill me up kinda.

My sister’s birthday is tomorrow.

Doggie Paddle – Update

Published on March 22, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Relationships, Segments and Therapy. 2 Comments

we see Dr. T at 2pm today

I didn’t call anyone last night, any friends or a hotline because there really wasn’t anything anyone could do. We didn’t really want to talk and we were safe “enough” to not make a phone call. We’ve promised ourselves and our friends that when it gets bad we’ll go to the hospital. I pray it doesn’t get that bad. I think the last time we were in the hospital it was April or something. Before that it had been 2 years. I’d like to stay out of the hospital.

It was the photographs, seeing them again is what triggered all of this. We took them in for him to see but we saw them too and its been in our head ever since. I told him Joan will show up as usual but I need him to call out a particular alter because she needs to talk to him.

We may feel suicidal but Morton isn’t going to let that happen. If he doesn’t give the okay then nobody is going to go against his word and do it. That’s just how our system works but when one of us is close to the edge and feels this strongly then we need to address it. It’s not like he won’t hand down the okay. So far he has not and he’d like us to go in and talk to Dr. T about it today. He wants our little one to talk to him so she’ll muster up courage and do that today. We just can’t go in laughing and looking baseline because that’s not where we are right now. I think yesterday we hit every conceivable emotion there is. That was exhausting. We got to bed around 2am and talked to Dr. T again this morning at 9am. We’ll be there at 2pm. I can’t believe we didn’t have time for a shower yesterday. Our cab got here at 1pm and we got up at 12:30. We threw water on us and walked out. I hate when that happens. So we have plenty of time now to wash an outfit and get ourselves together. I just don’t want to process too much stuff before I get there because the last thing I want to do is look “okay” when in reality we feel like we are barely holding it together.

Last night I realized that when driving by Blossom’s apartment building in the cab I didn’t even think to look over there to see if her car was there. I was too busy talking to the cabby. I looked across the street to see if anyone I knew was outside and I saw an older man that I use to talk to a bit and who I use to take Captain to see but Blossom never crossed my mind. I ran across a picture of her smiling, really smiling and I smiled too. I didn’t feel any anger or anything so I think we’ve made a lot of progress with that. Heck, I even half way flurted with somebody yesterday but I knew I could flirt and just leave it at that, not go out, just flirt. It was fun. I think it’s kinda safe to flirt from the safety of a cab. I didn’t send out a cat call or anything, that would have been a bit much. I just flashed an Aussie smile and gave a little finger wave. She cheesed but then tried to act all cool. We were on the “rainbow” side of town and Ms. Sweet Chocolate was outside the IHOP smoking a square. Cute, cute, cute. But anyway…….I’ve gone off on a direction I didn’t mean to go. The point is, I think we’re doing better with the whole Blossom thing. Still not interested in going out but drive by flirting is fun, we’ve discovered that.

We’re losing our hair again…that’s troubling. I have to set up and appointment with the doc but I can’t do that until I return home. I did notice that since Blossom has been gone we have fewer major fybro flare ups. Our body doesn’t hurt as badly as it did when it was stressed with her. I like that. I realized the other day in bed that my back wasn’t hurting, my shoulders weren’t rubber band tight. Big difference without her here, much more quiet, peaceful, free….from her anyway…we still have ourselves to contend with but that is much easier than thinking for two people. Man that was rough. We did that for way too long.
Last night in bed we listened to the first (official) Spring rain and it was wonderful. It helped calm us down so we could sleep. We just focused on the raindrops and went to sleep. Sleep was disturbed by nightmares, manageable ones. I think the Three Stooges took turns beside us. Cap was up there then Bell and when I woke I got my customary morning celebration from Gracie. Actually, she woke me up at like 4am. Maybe she wanted to celebrate early. I don’t know. I went back to sleep though. It’s 10am now.

We have to make sure that Joan does not stay at therapy or he won’t hear anything he needs to hear. We have to drop that mask. We can not kick into the “everything is okay mode” because its far from okay, very far.

Doggie Paddle

Published on March 22, 2007 in PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

We are so fucked up that it’s just down right pathetic. Suicidal, angry as hell at everything!!!! We are seeing the therapist again this week. We’re just trying to keep our head above water. Major triggers that just don’t seem to calm down. We had therapy today and it was a good session, helpful.

We know our trigger has to do with some shit going on in our head that we just can’t get straight. I’ve switched so much. I’m tired, exhausted. The cutting is a fucking daily thing now. The therapist knows this.

There is no therapy assignment for this week, no specific one anyway. If I do dream therapy that’s one thing but there is no assignment this week other than staying the fuck alive.

My next door neighbor is pissing me off. I think people should be able to walk down the fucking street with their kids and not have to worry about him letting his goddamn dogs out so they can run up on the fence and make the kids cry and worry the parents. That’s just cruel. He’s getting on my damn nerves with that shit. And I can’t tell the people to walk on this side of the street by my fence because they don’t speak English. I can’t find our host to tell them in Spanish to walk on our side of the street cause Cap won’t hurt ‘em. I just think people should be able to walk down their own damn street with their kids on a little walk and not have to fucking worry about three damn dogs coming over the fucking fence. I don’t know what the fuck his issue is but he actually lets them out to go bark at people. There are no side walks which forces them to walk in the center of the street between my fence and his. They see my dog and think my dog will act the same way so they’re scared shitless. It’s pathetic. Then UK’s fucking husband comes by the fence tonight with his dog and stays right there letting his mutt bark and snarl at the fence at the other three mutts. he’s a fucking wife beater so what the fuck, I mean come on. he’s an asshole! I want to rip him by his so- out of date mullet and smack the shit out of him, show him how it feels to be smacked around. Mother fucker. I can’t believe he gets to fucking live but UK doesn’t. What kinda cruelty is that?

Caps fine, the kittys are fine, Barney and I are fine. We’re going to bed.