Monthly Archive for March, 2007

Page 3 of 7

Impossibility

Published on March 21, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Relationships and Therapy Assignments. 3 Comments

(midnight thoughts on humor and expectations 12:32AM)
Sometimes I set my bar of success so high that I’ll never, ever reach it. When I miss my personal high bar I believe others see me as a failure when in reality they don’t know how high my bar stretches. How can they be disappointed in me when they don’t even know what to point to and say, “You didn’t reach your unreal, exaggerated expectations?” Yet I assign negative thoughts to others based on a high bar they can’t even see, based on my private thoughts, on information they don’t have. I project my personal beliefs on them and they have no clue that I do this. You think of me as a failure. I you think I’ve let you down. It’s all based on my private thoughts.

When I feel like a failure I think others see me as a failure. I expect them to assault me with disparaging words and bitter discontent followed by abandonment. But this is in my head and it never reaches the other person. They don’t see my high bar and they probably don’t see me as a failure.

Never has the cliché “I’m not a mind reader” had such a strong meaning. No one can be expected to act accordingly or respond accurately based on information they do not have. This is an impossibility.

 

Part 1- Therapy Assignment Feelings When Not Using Humor
Part 2- Therapy Assignment: Further Thoughts.

Austin’s August

Bad Attitude

And just for fun I thought I’d add a picture of me with a bad attitude. This is exactly why I should be in bed right now. I’m up doing silly pictures of myself. I do not, repeat, do not have a mole or three ear rings but it was fun doing a different style self portrait.

Dream Therapy: Kidnapped

Published on March 20, 2007 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 2 Comments

The assignment will be for me to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it so that it turns out the way I want it to turn out, so that I’m the victor and not the victim. In this dream I’d like for the events to unfold differently.

The original dream went this way…

Walking home and came upon a car where two girls were laid on the closed trunk tied up, mouths covered, in obvious distress. Two men were changing the tire to a T-top Monte Carlo. I stood watching as if I weren’t interested in what was happening, pretending I didn’t see the girls who gave me the eyes of “Please help us.” On the truck with the girls was a white cat that was cleaning a doll. The doll was a really long stuffed rabbit the kind people hang in their kitchen. Its dress was white and it had a little ring of flowers around its head. The cat was cleaning the rabbit dolls long hair which was not braided. After the men were satisfied that they’d changed the right rear tire they tossed the old one in the street, put the girls inside the trunk and proceeded to drive off. I’m still standing there. I noticed that the front driver’s side tire was missing and all they had was the area where the rims used to be. It was nothing but the part where the wheel goes and that was all rusted. They didn’t seem to mind. They backed out and drove off. At this point I went looking for help. I walked through familiar neighborhoods but I kept getting lost. Finally I stumbled upon a McDonald’s (the same one in many of my dreams) where a table full of cops ate lunch. They were from the Sheriff’s Department and were not IMPD. I didn’t want to bother them on their lunch break. I thought about using the pay phone to call for help but something held me back from it. It crossed my mind several times and several times I dismissed it. For about 5 minutes I debated what to do. Somehow during the course of all of this the Monte Carlo ended up parked in front of this busy McDonalds. I went and told one of the Sheriff’s that I was sorry for bothering him but he needed to come see about this car. At this point I was bordering panic. When we got out to the car laying on top of it was the long rabbit that the cat had cleaned. The girls were gone. The Sheriff told me that he didn’t really think anything was wrong in the first place because usually people report crimes and hardly ever is the report true.

Details I noticed

  • The two girls were blond, thin, they appeared to be twins.
  • Cats in dreams show strong symbolism (this cat was not mutilated)
  • My mother had a T-top Monte Carlo
  • Where the kidnapping took place is where I lived my 4th grade year. In order to get back to the cul-de-sac you had to go through all kinds of twists and turns, dead ends and past a frikin pond to get back to our house. I got lost trying to go for help.
  • This is also the house where the mother insisted that I was stealing from her and no matter what I said she didn’t believe me.

 

The re-written or resolution dream can be seen by clicking the link.
Austin
Dream Therapy: Kidnapped
Saturday, March 17, 2007-6:21PM EST

Dream Therapy: Kidnapped Resolved

Published on March 20, 2007 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 2 Comments

The assignment will be for me to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it so that it turns out the way I want it to turn out, so that I’m the victor and not the victim. In this dream I’d like for the events to unfold differently.

New dream version/resolution

The after school walk home was filled with thoughts of management. How can I juggle homework, play soccer with my friends and clean my room before nightfall. I was deep in childhood thoughts when from a distance I could see trouble. There on top of a T-Top Monte Carlo were two young ladies with their hands bound behind their backs and silver tape over their mouths. I could see their eyes, they were scared. For just a moment I froze, the two men changing the tire on the car saw me but I was just a kid and they didn’t care so they went back to changing the tire. I may have only been a 4th grader but I’d seen Mc Gruff the Crime Dog commercials many times and knew when trouble stuck I needed to go for help. I had to pretend I wasn’t alarmed by this site, but I was, my heart was pounding with terror but more than that with bewilderment. There was a young white cat about one year old chewing at the binds on their hands. She seemed to be working feverishly at setting the young girls free. Again, the men paid her no mind; she was just a cat to them.

With no time to lose I made my escape, down the long path of looming trees, across the quiet play ground park and onto the cities main drag. From both directions I could see a city going about it’s business, driving here and there, going about life as usual. I spotted the Mc Donald’s and ran inside to ask for help. Just my luck, a patrol team sat at the corner round table. I ran to them and told them what I’d seen. One officer stood and put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Are you sure about this?” “As sure as I’m standing here sir,” I said. I gave a full description of the girls and the men and the car. I told them where to find them.

The two young women must have been overtaken with relief when they heard the blaring sirens of rescue moving ever closer to them. “There!” I said, “They’re over there!” The officer pulled the car over to protect my identity but let the other three patrolmen approach the scene. With guns drawn they apprehended the men and set the girls free. I watched as one man’s head was pressed to the hood of the patrol car. His face clean shaved face was smooshed tight against the hood with an expression that showed no concern. He was cold, careless, and heartless. At his feet was the little white cat who again showed remarkable dexterity when she tied his shoe strings together. This would insure that his look of heartlessness would be accompanied by a nice size goose egg, surely to be a conversation starter with his new cell mates.

The officer that stood guard with me opened the car door and told me to stay put. I obeyed. There were guns and criminals, what business did I have out there with them? Officer Mc Nice came back holding the young white kitten and asked if I knew who she belonged to. He responded, “I didn’t think she was yours, I believe her to be a stray. It would be a shame to take such a nice kitty to the pound, would you like to take her home with you?” I held the kitten in my arms and road home past the quiet playground park, the looming trees, the small still pond and all the way back to the cul-de-sac.

 

The original dream can be seen by clicking the link.

 

Austin
Dream Therapy: Kidnapped Resolved
Monday, March 19, 2007-7:22PM EST

Therapy Assignment: Feelings When Not Using Humor

Published on March 20, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 3 Comments

If you didn’t use humor (or a pep talk) to rescue someone from their current upset how would you feel?

I think I’d feel like I could have done something but I chose not to, I just watched them hurt and didn’t act.

I give pep talks all the time, I’m good at motivating people but sometimes I resent the fact that I give pep talks because I think sometimes people come looking for one. I’ve often felt that people contact me only when something is wrong in their life. When there are family issues at home they call Aussie. When they need cheering up they call Aussie but other than that I hardly hear from those that I try and encourage. So when I don’t offer humor or a pep talk it may be more out of resentment than because I have no response at all.

Things have changed as far as support and feedback. I have to say fewer people tend to treat me like their insurance guy. You only call the insurance man when there’s been some kind of tragedy, some claim and report to fill so you can get all fixed up and back on track. I have fewer people that do this now but in all honesty, sometimes I think if I held back the pep talks and the humor I’d be just another bitter survivor and I don’t want to be that.

How do you believe the person would respond not being cheered up?

Perhaps we would just exchange feelings, ideas, coping strategies and things like that without me feeling responsible for helping them feel better. That seems so flat, so superficial and truthfully, it would make me feel worthless. But even more, I think people would have no more use for me.

What do you think would be the overall consequences of not being in rescue mode?

They’d find another insurance agent.

My feelings of worth would diminish if I didn’t offer up a pep talk or humor

People would have no more use for me

I’d be dull

 

 

Part 1- Therapy Assignment Feelings When Not Using Humor
Part 2- Therapy Assignment: Further Thoughts.

Therapy Assignment: Feelings When Not Using Humor
Monday, March 19, 2007- 7:25PM EST

Therapy Assignment: Feelings Humor Further Thoughts

Published on March 20, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 2 Comments

Further thoughts:

I’m taken back to this dream I had about the kidnapping and the cat. But for some reason I’ve lost my thought, it’s just kind of gone.

About humor: At home it’s how we survived; it’s how we were abused and how we were cheered up after abuse or how we passed the time. My nickname Little Duck was given to me because the mother said I have lips like a duck. They threw water in my face and laughed as I spat and sputtered. We laughed later about my ability to swim. My mother told us that if she got angry enough the vein in the side of her head would bulge then pop. One time it was bulging and we begged her to calm down so she wouldn’t die. Later we laughed about that. We use to say the mother punched like a Russian body builder and that her fist was the size of The Incredible Hulk. We laughed about how cartoon huge it looked as it came crashing into our face. The mother laughed about how my sister cried. There’s a name I use to call her that she thought was funny. Try this one on for size. You single cellular brained monosyllabic imbecile. Guess where I was sitting when I came up with that one, in the Monte Carlo.

People use to tell us we were the happiest family they ever saw because we were always laughing but when I look back the stuff wasn’t funny. She would to say, “I’m going to rip your arm off and beat you with it.” That’s rather disturbing but my sister and I laughed. Others that heard her say it, and she said it a lot, thought it was horrible but the mother praised us for having a good sense of humor.

The rest of the family literally hated comedy. They didn’t watch sitcoms they didn’t go to see comedy shows because they thought comedy was stupid. They could make the word “silly” sound as filthy as the word “whore.” The emphasis was put on sil then they practically spit out the last ly. It was said with disgust.

As disgusting as it may be to the rest of my family and as perverted as my mother made it, I still humor in almost every part of my life. This is my issue and mine alone. Most of the time no one asks me to rescue them. Most of the time no one says, tell me a joke Austin I’m feeling down. I just kick into this automatically. I still think this is a good assignment though because it goes into what my thoughts are if I were to ever stop coming to the rescue compared to the reality that few ask for such a rescue in the first place.

Part 1- Therapy Assignment Feelings When Not Using Humor
Part 2- Therapy Assignment: Further Thoughts.

 

Therapy Assignment: Feelings When Not Using Humor
Further thoughts
Monday, March 19, 2007- 7:25PM EST

Tackling My Issues With Restrooms

Published on March 19, 2007 in Mental Health and PTSD. 4 Comments

It has been a long hall to get myself to walk in the bedroom, lay down and go to sleep. I’ve tried so many things I’ve lost count. The issue has always been around abuse and how to keep myself from feeling vulnerable like that again. As any abuse survivor knows, few places in the house are off limits to abuse. And like many survivors the restroom was prime ground for perversions and criminal acts. It certainly left scars clear up into my adult years. I still get the hiccups just before I walk into the restroom door.

As an adult going to the restroom made my heart race, I was nervous and avoided going until the very last minute. I didn’t want to shower, I didn’t want to walk in through the restroom door but being human I had to. I didn’t want to take my clothes off. I didn’t want to touch myself or acknowledge that I had a body but washing was necessary so as not to smell so a change needed to take place and quickly. So I went on a mission to find a way to use the restroom at home without being bombarded by flashbacks.

yes, I actually have old photos of the restroomMuch like with my bedroom, I had to change was how I viewed the restroom. One of the things I did was put up a long piece of white paper stretching the full length of the inside door. This was where we could put graffiti. Destiny was here!…. Don’t put the name of your loved one where you wipe your butt! We also listed every insider’s name who wanted it on the graffiti sheet. We wrote in different colours and drew whatever we wanted anytime we entered the restroom. Anything we wanted to do on that paper we could. Sometimes we just drew a little flower or read what other insiders wrote. It was fun, out of the ordinary and certainly not the type of restroom I had at home. I also put in a basket full of stuffed animals so right to the left of the graffiti door was a huge basket full of stuffed animals. There was Ernie from Sesame Street, Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and the whole gang plus this big head doll that I got as a second hand store. They sat in a round basket all comfy like and looked just as cute as they could be. I changed the visuals in hopes that my emotion view would follow suit.

When showering it was hard to concentrate and not slip into a flashback. I needed to be able to see outside of the shower but still have the privacy I required. I tried the totally clear shower curtains but I didn’t like them at all. I tried rainbow curtains, frilly ones and everything in between. One day at Wal-Mart I ran into a shower curtain that was all blue except for the top which was clear. The bottom half of my body was hidden but I could always turn my head and look out to verify that I was still okay. That worked like a charm! That’s when showering took off and I could get in there and get it done without major hassles.

The main thing was, my restroom at home could not look like the everyday home restroom. It was the everyday look that triggered me so I had to change that. I put up funny posters, a finger painting I did that said WAR and had all kinds of hand prints all over it. I was hanging on the wall crooked. Nobody wants to sit and watch themselves in the mirror use the restroom so I covered it with a frilly pillow sham. On the vanity sat a broken coffee mug on a saucer, an old bicycle tire hung on the wall…all kinds of different things were added to make it look like something out of Applebee’s. I changed the restroom often. I’d add something then take something out so it wasn’t overly crowded. I like open spaces so I wanted to be able to move around but still have it the way I wanted it to look. The point is, if you take an environment and make it your own, make it wild or calm, colourful or black and white then maybe; just maybe you can break the trigger response. That’s what it took for me. Yes, without fail I get the hiccups just before walking into the restroom but I can walk in there and I can take my clothes off and I can take a long hot shower and enjoy it! I look forward to them. I’ve got my restroom set up the way I want it now. It’s a little paradise in there equipped with different size candles, cherubs, ivy that runs from one corner of the ceiling to the other, a bar for assorted soaps like green tea, Shea Butter, French Milled, Lemon Grass Oil, Oatmeal Almond and various others***. And I’ve got the most beautiful silvery green shower curtain, non-opaque. But the restroom would not be complete without a single stem sunflower beside the soap bar.

I still have a problem with actually using the restroom. That one I still struggle with so if anyone out there has a tip for me I’m more than willing to listen.

Austin’s August

 

*** My price range for soaps is more in the Suave and Wal-Mart brand area. And my income doesn’t allow regular any purchases of brands such as Gilchrist & Soames or ASiRA but thanks to the local shelter I can pick up hotel samples of it regularly. So my soap bar is pretty much a sample bar but I’m stocked for months. I love that shelter. The Gilchrist & Soames Chamomile conditioner is to die for!

 

Tackling My Issues With Restrooms
Monday, March 19, 2007- 8:29PM EST

End of The Season

Published on March 19, 2007 in Mental Health and Pets. 2 Comments

BellaI still feel a little sad. I haven’t looked at my email or anything today. Yesterday though was quite relaxing. I think it was yesterday. Anyway, we had our end of the season fire. Bella gets really close so she can get her belly warm. She rolls around then falls asleep. It was a very nice quiet evening. I’d actually say it was peaceful and enjoyable with no issues at all. My boy stayed by my feet and we just all kind of sat and watched the fire until it went out. Nothing better than fur babies, hot coffee and a warm fire to end the evening. We climbed into our bed of fresh powdered sheets and slept pretty well. For some reason we really like the smell of baby powder sprinkled across fresh sheets. It just makes them special.

We put up all the fire stuff, the starters and the extra wood and then we will clean out the fireplace in the next few days. We don’t want to wait until next season to do that. End of the season sales are great for this kind of stuff.

It is, as Joan said, witch tit cold in this house so I think I should go turn on a heater and take advantage of the bed Cappy’s been warming for me. Then tomorrow Gracie will give us our standard morning celebration where she’s all happy she gets to see us another day. I think that’s so sweet. She purrs and rubs against my face and then gets real close in my ear and purrs some more. She’s so sweet. It scared me when my cats food was on the recall list. Here’s the list.

Menu Foods recall list and FDA Press releases

We have a camera now so we’ll be taking pictures of everybody and posting them real soon.

by for now