What’s That Black Spot?

Captain Crunch and I headed down to the x-ray department after a quick smoke break. I went in and saw the same makeshift pillow that was there back in December. The tech told me that people take hospital pillows all the time and the department was tired of replacing them so they waddled up some plastic, put tape around it and a pillow case and called it a pillow. No one has stolen it since. I wondered if I was being charged for laying on a real pillow or a fake one? This hospital is in the top 100 in the country and they have fake plastic pillows. I wondered if the x-ray machine was really just a box that hid a guy with a disposable camera. So after I was cheated out of who knows how much money from the fake pillow I got up to see my x-rays. As I rounded the corner out of my mouth came, “Good gracious, you could have warned a girl!” It seems today’s technology takes more advanced pictures. There was much more than bone in those pictures of my hips on that flat screen PC monitor. Also, the x-ray didn’t show that I’d lost 10 pounds. I was upset by that, that and the fact that as the tech explained what she saw I had to remind her to remove the cursor from areas where it didn’t need to come to rest. I was feeling quite violated. I told her we didn’t know each other well enough for her to just leave the cursor hanging any and everywhere.

So she began explaining to me what she saw. I pointed to a spot near the pelvic bone and said, “What’s that black spot?” She said, “Gas!” I thought to myself, “If she’s trying to humiliate me she is doing a great job of it. Am I being charged for the humiliation or is it free?”        So pointing to several smaller less dark spots I said, “Well what’s this?” She said, “Gas, but the darker one is about ready to come out.” Me–> “Is thaaatt rigghhtt?” I’ve worked with her before so joking around with her is always fun.

Clearly she was willing to answer any and all of my questions frankly. I like helpful techs but there is only so much info they should be allowed to give and there should be clear warnings on the door, We’ll be looking at pictures of ALL of you, not just your hips. And we’re going to keep it in the archives for the next 30 years so that the next 3 generations of doctors know that Gas-X should be on your shopping list.

I have a theory. If I have to wait for a doctor longer than 10 minutes I feel I have the right to start pilfering supplies. After 10 min I take one item every two minutes until the doctor arrives. Do I really have a need for tongue depressors? No, no I don’t but that’s not the point. The point is my time is just as valuable as theirs. I need to be compensated and if all they have are tongue depressors and ear examining plastic thinga-ma-bobs then so be it. I’ll take my compensation. Luckily I haven’t had to use this mode of comp because the docs have been on time. They rush in to see my furry four legged son Captain Crunch who couldn’t care less about their explanation of black spots or high resolution photos of more than bone.

I should have taken the fake pillow.
Joan of Arc

What’s That Black Spot?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007-1:09AM EST