Monthly Archive for April, 2007

Page 3 of 5

Slow Down

Published on April 17, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments

I believe art to be a better alternative to other behaviors that are counter productive to healing. It’s just that I have therapy in a few hours and it might be nice to kinda get some shut eye. But nope, I keep sitting here, doing piece after piece, smoking square after square like somehow that’s going to fill me enough to walk away from the PC and be okay with this decision ahead of me. Really there is no decision. I mean, the others don’t want it. I wouldn’t expect Morton to do anything other than what’s in our best interest. I think the issue is much more than what does Destiny want to do.

It’s funny cause some things feel so right at the time then you step back and go what the fuck just happened there? And where was the other me who could have stepped in and said Destiny take a cold shower and chill cause this isn’t going to work. You know Morton isn’t going to go for this I can’t even believe you’re acting stupid like this. Continue reading ‘Slow Down’

Sacrifice Me

Published on April 17, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 0 Comments

Sacrifice MeI can’t stand the thought of feeling as sad as I did when I was with Blossom. Destiny wants to see her and though she is third in command it is a good thing we all have an equal voice because my tears mean as much as her desires. For Morton’s Pride that’s important. She may be third and I may be at the bottom of the pole but our voices are equal and it is my hope…. I plead to Morton to not let this happen. It’s always his final decision. If he says no then she wouldn’t even consider doing this but if he says yes then there are many of us inside that end up hurt just so she can get a little bit. I don’t want this and I hope Morton ……..I know Morton to be a reasonable man. I know he listens to us as a group but I’m still scared.

The therapist said to one of our little ones that sometimes we have to break the rules. That shook some things up inside because for Morton’s Pride rules means trust. We trust that each of us is going to do what they say they’ll do or not do. We know what each of us will and will not do based on their responsibilities and their word. If someone goes around braking rules then they destroy the trust we’ve built and that is where my fear comes in. When Morton says “no” will Destiny go against his authority and do this anyway?    Continue reading ‘Sacrifice Me’

Future Vulnerabilities- to MayPoles

Published on April 15, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 1 Comment

MayPoles of life Says:
April 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm e

Austin, it isn’t your art that shows me you are a “good girl, kind soul, giving person, a loving human being”….it is your words. Your art work shows me your past and present. It gives me a minds eye into your life, past and present. I think it is excellent, though painful therapy for you to draw. It allows you to stand back and look at yourself. YOU know, or should I say I believe you believe you are a good person. To believe otherwise would be ludicrous did I spell that right? May I ask, if you loath your art work so much, are you getting tired of looking at your past? Are you getting tired of a reminder? I don’t know, I’m just thinking outloud. I wish I could know what you felt like on the inside, I’m not making light of any of your feelings, because I believe they should be validated, I just want to be more empathetic. This I will tell you, in my heart, I KNOW you have the spirit of a survivor…and I think that is so cool, because “they” didn’t rob you of that. As I reread this before posting, I’m saying to myself, I sure hope Austin understands what I’m trying to say….because sometimes I sound totally of the wall, and I’m not very clear, but I meant well.

Future Vulnerabilities
Sunday, April 15, 2007-4:14PM EST

No, you’re not off the wall or anything like that.

Yes, I’m getting tired of my past…more than I can say … but to not look at it now means my future successes are left to unnecessary vulnerabilities. Unresolved issues are like having a weakness in a security system, or rusted links in a link chain. It’ll hold so much and do well holding it but eventually one of those links is going to give and what was once held securely goes down in a free fall. I would like to strengthen as many links as possible. I doubt that I can strengthen them all and I know there will always be vulnerabilities. At this point there are so many weak links and vulnerabilities to not look at them and to not work on them would leave my future as messed up and unstable as my past. Continue reading ‘Future Vulnerabilities- to MayPoles’

Her Rainstorm

Published on April 15, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

Her Rainstorm

Can a person really be dissatisfied with absolutely everything they do?
Is it possible to stop a rain cloud when that cloud only exists because self esteem refuses to let the sun in, to let the silver lining glow?

I was just looking at an artist’s page who has a blog idea I’ve not seen before. There are a ton of blogs out there on the same subjects. It’s refreshing to see new ideas. Anyway though, he/she talked about how our personal value system is what helps us to judge art. Of course this immediately reminded me of the above piece I did yesterday and posted which is why I’m amending the entry.

I was so unsatisfied with this piece called Her Rainstorm, not because I could see any particular area that I wanted to change but because a reflection of my own lack of self worth looked me dead in the eye and refused to break glance. When I look at my own art I want to see, I want the world to see that Austin is a “good girl.” Of course this has to do with abuse issues but people who don’t know my issues might have a real hard time understanding why I loath my artwork to the point that I do. The view of myself, my self worth spills over where it should not.

In therapy the doc and I are working on the issue of “self blame.” I blame myself for everything and when I do my anger level hits sky high, everything around me becomes a source of irritation and ultimately I find myself, my art, my blogs worthless. Continue reading ‘Her Rainstorm’

It’s Not The Sesame Street We Use To Know

Published on April 14, 2007 in Humor. 1 Comment

I have thoroughly enjoyed bashing Elmo but we must make room for Big Bird and his friends who clearly have issues. Since we so enjoy bashing Sesame Street puppets so much here is a link I found a long time ago called Twenty Things You Didn’t Know About Sesame Street.

You will find interesting facts such as

  • 4. In 1985, Snuffeupagus ceased to be a creature only Big Bird can see. The reason? Concerns that adults not believing Big Bird about Snuffy would lead to children being afraid to speak out about sexual abuse.

(that has got to be the most absolute absurd thing I’ve ever heard)

  • 5. In the first season, Grover was brown, not blue.

When looking up this link again I saw one that said Grover wasn’t just blue he’s bitter. If you look up the words Grover is Bitter you’ll get 288,000 hits. Does Grover know he has a problem or is he focused on Elmo’s problem. See Elmo’s issues below.
This one here is pretty good. It’s the Sesame Street Lost Pregnancy Episode by a blogger that had me rolling with her re-written version.

Poor Elmo lost his way when he went into the drug trafficking business. It’s just sad. So forget all the hero crap I talked about the other day. Elmo was caught with Meth. There’s no hope for mankind or puppet kind. It’s all down hill from here. Smoking Gun reports Elmo getting busted. This is what Holloywood does to puppets….okay, I can’t. I can’t go on…..I’m proving that I should have been in bed hours ago. Despite a low caffeine day I’m still hyper and still awake. But, klonapin should help me sleep.

Aussie

PS. Ernie rules! And no, he and Bert don’t have a “thing.” Those were horrible lies started by none other than Elmo.

Are You Looking For Heroes?

Published on April 11, 2007 in Gratitude Journal. 4 Comments

I know you’re tired of the news too. How many more times can we hear of a baby being hurt by his parents, of the elderly beaten and neglected or of families killed in their own homes? And how many times can you try to lend a helpful hand to those who suffer when you yourself are running on half empty? Right now, you don’t have to think about that. You don’t have to deal with the latest numbers of those killed in Iraq or about that child who was stabbed in the back and thrown from the car by his own father. Today, we read only about heroes. Today I offer a little good news; two stories of individuals that rose to the occasion, that made a difference and perhaps for some rekindled their belief in the basic good of the human spirit.

Story number one is about a local boy who jumped on a run away horse carriage and halted it, saving those on it as well as the horse and possibly many others from harm. Although there are many different grandiose tales of the hero’s background one thing remains consistent, how the potential tragedy began and how it was halted by one smart kid. IndyStar.com reports the story -

William Basler didn’t stop to think when he saw a runaway carriage careening through Downtown Indianapolis on Sunday afternoon.
He took off, bolting after the driverless carriage. When he couldn’t catch up, a cab driver offered him a ride. That got the 19-year-old close enough to leap onto the carriage, sweep the reins off the ground and bring the horse to a halt, about four blocks from where the adventure began. Read the rest of his story here. You won’t regret it. Just hit your back button to return here and read the second hero’s story.

Story number two:

Imagine that your two children age 11 and 11 months are outside playing in the yard. Everything is okay until a coyote the size of a German Shepherd comes running out of the woods and grabs hold of your 11 month old by the head. What happens next will surprise you but what is more, it’ll inspire you. Click here to read the story.

Please remember, though the world shows it’s ugly face there is beauty and there are miraculous deeds at every turn. It is so easy to forget that when you turn on the news. But with stories like the two above we can stop just for a second and focus not on criminals but on heroes.

That’s all for today folks.
See you later.
Same Aussie time. Same Aussie channel.

Gratitude Journal: Painless

Published on April 11, 2007 in Gratitude Journal. 3 Comments

My neighbor that I call UK has Lupus and is a lot of pain right now. Her husband has asked that I come over and work my “magic” on her aching back muscles. I’ve worked on her back before and she said it helped relax her and helped relieve a lot of the pain. It feels good to drag my bag of tricks over there and help out like that. I’ll return in a day or two with this bag of goodies to help again. I have a Shiatsu machine, a regular heating pad as well as a weighted heating pad. I can show her how to release a lot of tension from her chest muscles which will in turn release other muscle tension. All you do is put a small pillow behind your back and have someone put their hand over the center of your chest lightly. As the muscles relax you’ll feel heat. When the muscles release the tension the heat can almost feel like heartburn. I do this on my own by putting a pillow behind me and a book on top of my chest. It works like a charm. So I let her do that and do a bit of body massage with heated aromatherapy oils.

Watching her get skinnier and skinner, sicker and sicker brings to light just how cruel Lupus can be to the body. It is a daily struggle for those who “only” have their joints affected by the Lupus. But for those whose lungs and kidneys have been affected or for those with skin Lupus it can be a losing battle with pain that I hope I never know. But if I can for just a second offer relief to a friend with constant pain then what more can I feel but gratitude? I was happy to do something as simple as a massage.

Several months back I was in so much pain that I was nearly in tears. Blossom had this cream called Sombra that she kept telling me about but I never used it. Since I was rather desperate I let her go ahead and put it on my knees, my tail bone, hips and back. It took about 3 minutes to start working. For the first time in ages I was painless. I was moved to tears because I’d forgotten how it felt to not have chronic pain. The Sombra only lasted for a little while, for about 30 minutes but in that 30 minutes I remembered what painless felt like and for that I am truly grateful.

I was at the dollar store two days ago and bent down to look at the items on the lower shelf. Just as I got down there a lady came up and wanted by me. I had to tell her I was stuck and couldn’t get up to let her by. I was so embarrassed. My goodness, have I gone down hill so much that if I bend down I’ll need assistance getting back up? I braced on the soda in the milk crates and got myself back up and kept on going. There will be many times like that. I can’t be torn up each time or I’ll not just have Lupus I’ll have a severe case of bitterness. Bitterness can tear the body down faster than most anything. No, I can’t do a lot of the things I use to do. My energy level is shot to crap. I have to use it wisely, pace myself and plan ahead. Most of all, I have to accept these changes. I have to appreciate the physical abilities I still have as opposed to being furious and feeling worthless because of what I don’t have physically.

Chronic pain can affect your thinking, your mood, your appetite, your everyday life and your outlook on life itself. Chronic pain can change you. It can also make you forget what physical abilities you still have. Its hard to see anything when all you feel is pain. It comes before everything. When you eat, when you sleep, when you sit at the computer, when you sip a cup of coffee, talk to a friend on the phone, watch a movie or lay down to sleep at night chronic pain is there. That kind of pain can easily snuff out a person’s ability to remember the physical strengths they still have and see the good left in life. But we must always, always look for, seek out and focus on hope that is sure to beam through the darkness of pain.

Austin’s August

Gratitude Journal:Painless
April 11, 2007 (1:18am)