This time I didn’t ask what the black spot is. I knew. Like last time the techs and the doctors were blunt with the results of tests and x-rays. The surgeon said something to the effect of, “The good news is you get to live. The bad news is you have to do it without a new knee.” He says he doesn’t like the odds of me pulling through the surgery. Then he muttered something about not being comfortable with me dying on his watch. Evidently my heart just isn’t strong enough for the surgery and the Lupus is too out of control to risk the odds of infection. He said with the way my blood work came back the chances of me pulling through without infection are too high and he’s not comfortable with doing the surgery. He said if and when the odds become worth the risk then he’d consider the surgery but for now, it’s a no go. I knew that was a possibility. I knew from the way my skin looks and the way I’ve been so tired that my health wasn’t good. But it wasn’t great to hear the word “dead” so many times in such a short period of time. So, as he said, the good news is that I get to live. The bad news is for the sake of beating the odds I’ll need to forgo the surgery. That means I need to call my company and stop the T-shirt production announcing my new knee. My two T-shirts were to say, “Been there, Bent that” and, “I climbed Mount Everest.” ← which really means I cleared all three steps up to my front door without the need for morphine.
Continue reading ‘I Know What That Black Spot Is’
I don’t have a receipt but I’d like to return this body and exchange it for a new one. Do you have a size 10 available in an African-American female around age 25? I know I’m actually 35 but as long as I’m trading me in I thought I’d go for a younger model. I want an extended warranty this time.
Continue reading ‘Can I Trade My Body In For A New Model?’
Having any kind of relationship, friendship or romantic, is difficult for all of us. One alter may have a blast with a friend while another alter can’t stand the ground they walk on. Take Blossom for instance, some of us talk about smacking her (which we would never do) while others of us have a good time with her. Our host doesn’t even know her, the kids don’t like her and Morton watches her like he does every other person on the planet. We respond to her differently depending on whose out. It must be difficult for her to know what to expect when she sees us. She prefers me to be out but I can’t guarantee my presence every time.
Continue reading ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you.’
I thought this dream was from earlier today but I looked at the time and it was yesterday. It seems like it was today. What stands out for me in the dream is how I wrote it down (the phrases I used) and the colour of the restroom. I said several times, “I was left.” I noticed poor grammar through out the entry. My mother is a stickler when it comes to English. Some of the babies had no arms, one had no face, one was just a head, all born to pre-teens.
The mother didn’t use the colour pearl in our home. Our house was in chocolate, cream and mauve.
It’s been an incredibly difficult few hours my way. The urge to cut is strong, anger is high. The dream reminded me of how she drove off the road one time promising to kill me and my sister. She drove in circles on a field until I reached from the back seat and pulled the keys out of the ignition.
Continue reading ‘Dream Therapy: Driving Home (updated)’
We crossed through town on the highway. Blossom was driving first then she turned into my mother. We crossed over a bridge where the water was right up to the side. We crossed over once then the dream kind of did a rewind and we crossed over again..almost like someone hit rewind on the VCR remote…we crossed again (mother driving) and saw that several cars crashed into the river. The river banks were steep but the water came right up the side of the road on both sides. One man’s car was still in the grass, it didn’t fall into the water. He was on a limb annoyed, waiting to be rescued. Annoyed not hurt or anxious but annoyed. It was an inconvenience for him to nearly drown. Others were inside the cars floating. No one panicked; they sat as if they were waiting for the water to recede so they could drive away again. I was frightened, on the road, and told my mother so. She became upset that I kept talking about how scared I was. She thought I meant she was a bad driver. She stopped the car in the middle of the highway and sat there. Cars drove by us slowly; some came to a stop behind us. She told me that she wasn’t happy that I kept talking about how bad she drives. I told her I was equally as afraid driving with Blossom and with UK. She said she was surprised about the UK thing because when UK speaks I go into a trance. She said I listen to her as if she were holy. She started the car again and we drove through 3 different freeways right into downtown Indy. The whole time I tried to assure her that it wasn’t her driving that frightened me it was my water phobia. She was angry, annoyed and dissociating. She was dissociating so badly that I told her to pull over and let me drive. Even more offended now she sped up, began driving out of control, taking chances she didn’t need to take. By this time we were driving by the mini mall that’s always in my dreams. She sped through the same parking lot as the dream where she was on her hands and knees in roller skates. From there we went to the Methodist Hospital. She had to use the restroom so she and my sister and I got out and walked through the hospital.
Continue reading ‘Dream Therapy: Driving Home’
On days when I feel ugly I avoid mirrors. On days when I feel dirty I take a quick shower and leave it at that. I figure by doing these things I won’t feed into the “I’m ugly and dirty” ideas that swirl in my head.
I’m actually somewhat depressed about the recent Lupus flair. My skin looks horrible..bruises and rashes have done a number on my skin. It looks horrible. So I’m avoiding the mirror right now. I figure now isn’t the time to check the size of my pours because it’s just going to make me feel like I look.
To combat the depression I went ahead and did 30 minutes of stretches then walked the dog. I felt a lot better. Yeah it’s hell fire hot outside, high humidity and the wind is still. But Cap and I took a brief walk just to get out of the house, to keep moving and motivated.
Continue reading ‘Just Thoughts’
It’s one thing to be clean physically, to actually feel like soap and water took off yesterday’s troubles. But when the mind keeps vomiting it back up, when it keeps telling you that yesterday is today and tomorrow will be too then is there ever hope to feel pure? Can soap and water wash off yesterday? It’ll just take a few days and we’ll be back to seeing soap and water for what it is, a way to wash the body, not the mind.
I’m hating therapy right now. We talked about how my sister use to call a child alter out that she called “Baby”. She wanted to play whatever game with that alter. She used a baby doll to bring her out. I remember watching myself from the background. I remember standing behind myself, behind “Baby.” My sister liked her.
I use to say I would tell on my sister when the mother got home but every time I tried I couldn’t recall what I wanted to tell. As soon as the mother walked past the door that separated the front part of the house from the bedrooms my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember a darn thing I wanted to tell.
Continue reading ‘Soap And Water For My Mind’
One of the things I like about photography is that without words you can speak volumes. Silence in black and white or colour film can say more from the heart than words could ever attempt to do.
When I was a kid, the reason I took pictures was to stop time. It was to keep moments with me that I never had to give away for any reason. I could take a huge world and capture it in a frame and I loved it. The world was more controllable then.
Me
it seems that flashbacks come out of nowhere but they are triggered by the smallest things sometimes…stuff we overlook but somehow links back to the past. What the hell is wrong with me and why am I so upset by one word added to another? It’s like certain word combinations raise the hair on the back of my neck and all I want to do is go hide.
Recently we’ve been troubled with the idea that we can’t get clean. No matter how many baths we take it feels like we can’t get clean, like we can feel the dirt still on us. We take one shower per day, that’s all because if we allowed ourselves to keep washing we’d prune up then we’d really feel bad.
I had chicken parmigiana minus the parmigiana. I added mozzarella instead. I don’t like parmisian cheese. I had cheese cake too and coffee. At least I ate something. Yesterday we had a can of green beans. We forced ourselves to eat that. I kept it down. I did a little cleaning today in prep for Tuesday’s visitor. A lady is coming to put a value on the house. Barney said he’s trying to get a new mortgage. I didn’t know they came to see the house in order to give you a new mortgage. I hope he doesn’t try and sell this thing cause we just got settled here. I don’t wish to move again.
Nearly puked in therapy. Puked after therapy. Pissed because I’m listening to Blossom tell me about her daughter but I’m hearing my mother talk to me. Tired. Hungry. Smoking like a firkin train and rather disillusioned. More than anything I feel sick inside. Sick like when I wake up from a bad dream that hangs on for the rest of the day. Talked about my sister. Talked about Baby. I feel sick. Thank goodness its Thursday. Don’t have therapy again until Tuesday. Sleeping.
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