Daily Archive for May 25th, 2007

Flashes

Published on May 25, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, For the Record, Mental Health, PTSD and Soapbox. 1 Comment

it seems that flashbacks come out of nowhere but they are triggered by the smallest things sometimes…stuff we overlook but somehow links back to the past. What the hell is wrong with me and why am I so upset by one word added to another? It’s like certain word combinations raise the hair on the back of my neck and all I want to do is go hide.

Recently we’ve been troubled with the idea that we can’t get clean. No matter how many baths we take it feels like we can’t get clean, like we can feel the dirt still on us. We take one shower per day, that’s all because if we allowed ourselves to keep washing we’d prune up then we’d really feel bad.

I had chicken parmigiana minus the parmigiana. I added mozzarella instead. I don’t like parmisian cheese. I had cheese cake too and coffee. At least I ate something. Yesterday we had a can of green beans. We forced ourselves to eat that. I kept it down. I did a little cleaning today in prep for Tuesday’s visitor. A lady is coming to put a value on the house. Barney said he’s trying to get a new mortgage. I didn’t know they came to see the house in order to give you a new mortgage. I hope he doesn’t try and sell this thing cause we just got settled here. I don’t wish to move again.

Puke

Published on May 25, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

Nearly puked in therapy. Puked after therapy. Pissed because I’m listening to Blossom tell me about her daughter but I’m hearing my mother talk to me. Tired. Hungry. Smoking like a firkin train and rather disillusioned. More than anything I feel sick inside. Sick like when I wake up from a bad dream that hangs on for the rest of the day. Talked about my sister. Talked about Baby. I feel sick. Thank goodness its Thursday. Don’t have therapy again until Tuesday. Sleeping.

Anger Isn’t Another Word For Pain

Published on May 25, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, For the Record, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

The other day when anger gripped me I didn’t go to the boxing bag. I put The Three Stooges in another part of the house, went into the bedroom, closed the door and started throwing my shoes against the wall. By the fifth toss a very monotone alter said, “Please don’t destroy the shoes. They’re the only one’s we’ve got.” It was a rather emotionless, matter of fact, almost whisper of a voice that brought my arm down and dropped the sneakers to the floor. I laid on the bed, head pressed firmly in the pillow and closed my eyes. It has been a very long time since a prayer crossed these lips.

It is difficult for me to see others express anger. It is difficult for me to let others see me express my anger. I’ve been told so many ways to deal with anger issues. Most didn’t work for me. It didn’t help to put my head in a pillow and scream or punch the pillow. That just wasn’t enough. Continue reading ‘Anger Isn’t Another Word For Pain’