The People Behind My Eyes

Sexuality

I am attracted to guys, very much so. It’s just that once in a relationship with a man I lose myself. I lose my ability to say “no” because I’m too busy waiting on him hand and foot like some sort of servant. I lose myself and that is one of the major reasons I don’t date guys. With the football player from high school and with my ex-husband I realized that my physical strength doesn’t match most guys. The football player wasn’t abuse, just playful. But I realized that even in play I wasn’t strong enough to get away from him. My ex-husband knew I’d fight back but he also knew I wasn’t going to win. I wasn’t a real threat to him because of my size and strength. When it comes to dating someone, sleeping next to them, I need to know that if they ever lose their friggin mind and decide to hit me I at least have half a chance of winning. I gain that with 50/50 chance beside a woman.

Partners By Race

We talked about the girl I dream about, the one where she and I are friends only in my dreams. I don’t think I mentioned that it’s not a sexual relationship. Only in my dreams do I see her and all we ever do is having coffee and talk. You asked what she looks like and I was embarrassed to say. I’d like to explain why.

There is a struggle for me with black women in general simply because my mother is a black woman. But she’s not just a black woman, she’s also a pedophile. Because of this I have a hard time dating black women without going into a flashback. I end up feeling like I’m having sex with my mother, which is quite disturbing. I’ve dated several black women and the same issue pops up, I see my mother and I can’t let myself enjoy the moment. I end up resenting my girlfriend and then we brake up. That’s why I don’t date black women now, because the issues are too strong. Am I attracted to black women? Heck yeah, before others I am. But my issues don’t allow me to seek companionship with black women.

What about black men? Yes, I’m attracted to them. But dating them, marrying a black man? Never gonna happen. My mother was adamant about not dating men but especially black men. She told me, “Don’t bring home a black man.” What I was taught about men in general is that they’re hounds seeking to humiliate women. I told you with 100% truth that she had my sister and myself look in the mirror each morning and say twenty times, “Men are dogs.” She says they have the ugliest bodies of all creatures. Despite her disdain for the male physique she made clear that their intentions are purely to humiliate and demean women. It is not lightly that I say I come from a matriarchal type family. I was raised to hate and distrust men. Those early lessons (which lasted up to high school) still rage and don’t allow me to seek companionship from males, especially black men.

Always having a girlfriend that isn’t African-American gives the impression that I have Jungle Fever. But I refuse to go into my story with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I refuse to say, “Well, had my mother found herself a woman her own age I’d probably introduce you to my black girlfriend.” I don’t say it but I sure get plenty of looks out in pubic and I’ve been asked repeatedly, “Do you only date white girls?” I feel like I need to go down the list of other races I either dated casually or had some sort of longer term relationship with. I don’t like have to explain the race of the person I sleep next to but boy do people ask, what is more they assume and conclude this “fever” without asking a single question.

Self Worth

If my mother wrote the book, “How To Make A Multiple” it was surely my ex-husband who wrote the book by which my mother takes her views on men. How to Break a Woman and How To Get The Most Out of Domestic Violence by two-time loser G.B. Freeman. My ex-husband was an alcoholic pot head with two murders under his belt. He’s a wife beater, and a master manipulator. Despite these “qualities” I went back to him three times. Why? I was good for one thing with him. He said he looked forward to sleeping with me. He said I was good. The word “good”, no matter what it’s attached to, as long as it includes my name it’s something I’m not use to hearing. So despite the fact that he was kicking my ass left and right. Despite the fact that he stole my money, did time for murder and was a professional liar I went back to him three times. I went back to point at the one thing that made me good. I needed something I could point to and go: “See, I’m not totally bad. I’m worth something, even if it’s only in bed.”

Much of my dating practices involve the need for physical protection. It involves my need to not look at the person and see my mother’s face or her body. And I need to feel worth something even if it’s just in bed.

To answer your question- the friend in my dreams is a white girl with curly hair. She’s about 5 feet tall, 5 inches. She’s soft spoken; wears a dress with a floral print and you never see her face. I never see her face even when looking dead at her as we chat over coffee. I’ve dreamed about this girl since I was a kid. It’s the same coffee shop, usually we meet during day light hours. The dream is in German. It’s one of the dreams I look forward to having. No, I don’t think she’s real. She doesn’t resemble anyone in my real life, past or present. She’s just a person in my dreams. But you gotta admit, it’s pretty cool to have a dream world friend.

To The Therapist - Sexuality, Ethnicity and Self-Worth
Friday, May 18, 2007-9:40PM
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