Monthly Archive for July, 2007

A Better Day

Published on July 29, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Pets. 4 Comments

My brain felt pressed until the replayed sentence in my head finally stopped. There was one alter saying one thing over and over again which became bothersome so others were like, “Do you have to say that?” and “Will someone please tell her to shut up?” Despite taking two milligrams of clonapin I only got 2 hours of sleep that day. Last night/this morning at 5am I crawled into bed. I woke 4 hours later. I’m physically tired but not having the same phrase over and over again in my head has been a relief. So last night I ate a very good dinner, watched a movie and then went to bed…but of course not without mishap.

Oops

I may have been a bit too in to the movie, focused only on Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton to notice the candle. I watched Bandits. Funny.

nap time

Grace and Captain decided it was nap time, not movie time so they crashed early.

Austin

Sunday-July 29th, 2007 12:43 noon EST 

Bad Head

Published on July 28, 2007 in Art, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Pets. 1 Comment Tags: .

I have the same thought going through my head again and again. It’s getting on my nerves now. I want it to go away. It would be nice to just go to sleep but I can’t seem to make myself do it. I want my head to stop and I don’t want the same stupid sentence to go through my head for hours on end. I have a bad head today.

I had a dream that I won a contest and I could go anywhere I wanted in the world and I chose Maine. I don’t know why there but I did. And then I had a dream I stole a red car. That was weird.

This is Grace, Bella and Captain. The cats sleep with us but Cap is too big to sleep beside us anymore. He kicks in his sleep. That doesn’t feel too good so he doesn’t sleep with us much. Sometimes he gets up there in the middle of the night but it’s usually when we have a hard time or something. I like sleeping beside Bella the best.

Grace
Grace

Bella

Bella

Best Dog In The Whole World

Cappy Crunch has really soft ears. He’s so sweet.

Me

Saturday-July 28th, 2007- 7:07AM EST 

Upheaval

Published on July 27, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Soapbox. 5 Comments

I thoroughly pissed off Princess Fife (Barney Fife’s daughter) when I asked her why the house is about to be snatched back by the bank. I guess she felt I had no reason to ask but I figure since I pay rent and have for three years that I might be entitled to ask a few questions about foreclosures and what not.

It seems Barney took out a loan to help Princess out with the promise that she’d pay the second mortgage off. She failed to do that so he had to take out a third mortgage to pay off the second one. There was some sort of whatever that happened and I guess the bank was going to seize the house or something. But evidently the third loan will come through in time to stop it. Well, I asked Princess why it is Barney wasn’t paying the mortgage when my rent is $25 shy of it. I had no idea she’s flip when I asked. I had no idea there was so much going on. So, while I felt I had a right to ask if my home was in jeopardy she felt I didn’t and was rather pissed about it. What I said to her was, “Do you mind if I ask why.” Well, that means you can either answer the question or decline to answer. But damn she acted like I had a friggin gun to her head, “Tell me or else!” So after being chewed out by her she called her father who came home the next day which is today. I haven’t talked to him. I’m avoiding him cause right now I just can’t deal with him being upset with me.

There are things I would survive again but I can not do homelessness ever again. I need to know in advance if I’m going to have to pack my shit and go. I told Barney that I could offer him no humor on the matter; there are no jokes when it comes to whether or not I’ll have a place to lay my head. I told him I was homeless too much to ever laugh about this. He was joking about it and said, “Oh, the house has been closer to seizure than this before.” That’s when I told him homelessness is not a joke with me. He wasn’t sure how to take the non-joking side of me. I just know its one thing I can never do again. I don’t have it in me. I just don’t.

I told MacBlue this before he went on vacation and he said, “Don’t do anything impulsive.” I said, “Like what?” He said, “Like move.” Uh, move where? I can’t move anywhere in a matter of days. I have a dog and two cats. I can’t just pack my crap and move in someplace. I need time I told him so no, I’m not going to move on impulse. I told Princess that if Barney loses his home he has someplace to go. I told her, I have no family. I can’t just move in with someone until I find a place of my own. She was so angry with me for asking about this. She told me why the house is in jeopardy and it didn’t really shock me. I didn’t realize it had nothing to do with Barney nor did I realize the extent of her personal upheaval. But really, does she actually think I have no right to ask about this issue? There’s always something going on, always something. Thank God I’m not a drinking woman or I’d be tore down right now. I mean tore ..the.. effe.. down!!!

I see MacBlue on the 7th of August. Even though there’s a lot going on I needed the break. No Barney, no doctor appointments (except for one) no nothin’ at all…… I needed the break so I don’t mind that I won’t see him until the 7th. His vacation is my vacation. I think this guy takes a lot of vacations. He just got back from Kenya. My goodness! He’s seen me three times. Are they paying him for all of my personalities despite only seeing him three times? What kind of paycheck is he getting? Is this how he can afford to take so many vacations? He’s getting paid for all of me, I just know it.

I still haven’t gotten a home for this kitten. She’s still outside. This little tiny thing tries to play with Captain when Cap comes out. It’s so funny to see her pounce on him. He looks at her like she’s crazy. When I open the door Gracie escapes onto the porch to grab a bit of sunlight and fresh air. She hisses at the kitten then goes back inside. Bella doesn’t come to the door anymore. She wants no part of outside. She’d rather sit at the window passing out idle threats to the squirrels that think Captain won’t get ‘em.

Tonight Captain and the stray hunted cicadas. Goody, my yard is now safe from squirrels and cicadas thanks to one large dog and one very small kitten. Now, if we can just keep it safe from the bank.

Upheaval
Friday, July 27, 2007-5:27AM EST

No Longer A Stray

Published on July 25, 2007 in Art, Pets and Poetry. 6 Comments

8 weeks old, kitten, tiger, female

An 8 week old kitten with the most beautiful markings has made my porch her temporary home. I’ll post her image on Craigslist as well as other sites to find her a real home. To insure she doesn’t end up in a lab I’ll request a $5 re-homing fee. She’s a gray tabby with a white bib and white socks as well as tortoiseshell marked ears. It’s almost as if she couldn’t decide what markings she wanted so she just took them all. I’ve given her a temporary name: Emma.

 

No Longer A Stray
One day she’ll be more than just a stray,
She’ll hang the moon,
Swing from the rainbow
And play marbles with the stars and planets.
One day she’ll pounce and leap,
With a belly full of sweetness she’ll slumber and sleep
No boxes or concrete beneath her but in a bed of her own in a place she calls home.

 

Kitten's Rainbow Ascent

Poem Title: No Longer A Stray
Art Title: A Kitten’s Rainbow Ascent
By: F. Magdalene
Wednesday, July 25, 2007-5:01AM EST

Candle Light

Published on July 25, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships. 4 Comments

I’m waiting for Blossom to tell me she’s ready to call our friendship quits too. I won’t be angry….I’ll actually be proud of her for making a step for herself. How can me dumping her still feel like abandonment? That girl has been here everyday since I broke up with her. I’m not sure who is clinging more, her or me. Both of us are terribly sad over the situation. The thoughts that went through my head today worry me. The good thing is, part of the depression is PMS. I did figure that much out so I can look forward to a let up of symptoms in a few days. The good thing about being regular is that I know how long the depression is going to last. I can look at the calendar and go, “Okay, I’ve got three days and I’ll be back to my baseline.” It’s helpful to be able to put this to a clock and pretty much count it down.

I had chuckwagon for dinner. I haven’t had it in years.  It was pretty decent. As usual I set the table and lit my candles. I say as usual but the whole candle thing has been a regular at my table for only about two months now. I really enjoy them. I have incense too, jasmine, sandalwood and vanilla. I like sandalwood the best but it’s hard to get the good stuff anymore. I also use a warmer for potpourri from time to time. There’s always something burning in this house. The weather dropped so much at night that I actually got to have a small fire in the fire place. That was much needed. So, I’ve gone outside to hang on the porch, watch Gracie roll around in the grass, watch Captain roll around in the grass while Bell stayed inside. She doesn’t like to go outside. She prefers the safety of the window. I think she threatens squirrels all day and then when she has a chance to go outside she doesn’t because she knows she can’t back up half of her threats. She stairs squirrels down all the time. I can just hear her, “If I ever get out there ya furry little….” But, when her chance comes for her to go outside she runs in the bedroom. Scaredy cat!

Austin

In My Head

Published on July 23, 2007 in For the Record, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 3 Comments

Thoughts, some abstract, some developed, but all from my head in the last few days.

I spent three hours last night trying to help a kitten out of a tree. At the middle hour when she moved to a branch 30 feet up and 10 feet out I thought she might not come down alive. I couldn’t watch her fall. I went back inside. She was so tiny (about 8 weeks old), big enough to get up but not strong enough to get herself down. She was so far out and up. To call the fire department would have cost $500. They don’t come out for kittens anymore for free so calling them was not an option. I went back inside, sat and waited. The third hour rolled around. Finally, I went out to try and call to her again. To my surprise she was either calm enough to respond or afraid enough to try to come back down just to get out of that tree. It took about 20 more minutes but she finally came down. I gave her some water and food and sat outside with her for maybe another hour. She hopped off back to wherever she came from.

Sunday was water day. I didn’t even have one cup of coffee. It’s Monday which means I can drink whatever I want. Pepsi is on the menu for today :-)

The air hasn’t been on for the last 4 days. I hope it helps with the electric bill. That makes nearly 11 days this month where the air wasn’t on. Together it should make a big difference. Since when is July so cool that air isn’t needed?

MacBlue says I’ll have to move from laughing about the pain of Blossom to actually feeling it. He says I need to prepare myself for the depression that is sure to follow this recent break up.

I feel sad. I woke up in the fetal position which is rare for me. I hope its just PMS and not a glimpse of what MacBlue says is to come.

Feeling sad means I need some sort of care plan. So I’ve prepared a few meals for the next few days so that I get to eat well but I don’t have to cook.

Journaling has been very helpful for me, a constant in my life. But when depression hits I tend to withdraw even from this. I’m going to put up a post daily even if it’s just a feelings list. I need to do that for myself. But right now it seems fruitless to post this entry. I keep thinking, what’s the point? What difference does it make? Depression makes pushing a button hard. Heck, depression makes it difficult to see value in things I care about. During what other time would I say “What’s the point?”

I wish I’d taken a walk yesterday but I never got around to it. I slept until 2:30PM which was odd. Even stranger is sleeping until 2PM today and skipping my doctor appointment for my knees. I just didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to lay there so I did.

In My Head
Monday, July 23, 2007-3:12PM EST

Taxation With Dissociation

Published on July 21, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, For the Record, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

I am one exhausted woman. It doesn’t feel like I’ve done much but when I look at the difference in the house I can see that I’ve done quite a bit. It’s been a quiet day too, not much drama going on over my way which is a change of pace. For the next two weeks MacBlue will be on vacation which means I’ll have been in physical therapy a week. I start Monday. Boy those people work fast. I so look forward to them twisting my knee left and right in the name of healing. If it gets to be too much and I need more help with staying grounded I might have to wait for MacBlue to get back.

While on the subject of MacBlue I did get an apology from him for what he said the first two sessions. It seems he’s come to the office with pre-conceived ideas of who I am as an African-American. It seems he has “black friends” and thinks he knows “us as a people.” I can’t say the man is a bigot but I will say he has some ideas that are not in agreement with what is politically correct. I’m not sure what his point is sometimes but as I hoped, he gives more than ego and stupid comments so at this point the plan is to stay with him. There have been several things he’s been helpful with. He does not think I’m faking. Man I appreciate not having to deal with that.

Last but not least, while there is no drama today I still have high anxiety to deal with. It seems to hit me like a ton of bricks. My nightmares are ridiculous. I’m clinging to my cat Bella. I wake up looking for her. I’m rather disappointed when she’s not there. Oh, in last night’s dream was of cats turning into babies. That’s something I haven’t dreamed in a very long time. In the same dream Blossom turned into my mother. That’s a first. With this morning’s nightmares and anxiety for the up coming physical therapy I am one taxed and dissociated woman.

That’s it for now,
Austin

Taxation With Dissociation-Saturday, July 21, 2007-2:07AM EST