When my life seems most out of control my OCD issues rage. When I feel I have few choices I seek to control my surroundings so as not to feel so powerless. I’ve noticed this behavior pattern time after time in Morton’s Pride. I’ve noticed that when PTSD symptoms pop up and I see my abuser(s) clearly that I also begin to see dirt everywhere. Suddenly it all has to be cleaned. Everything is dirty. Everything is defiled like the child I use to be. My OCD issues rage during periods where I feel I have little control over things and when I feel the filth of my past.
I can clean the floor a hundred times and still see dirty on it. I’m trying to clean myself and I know it. Bleach does not take away how dirty I feel inside. I can rearrange the cupboards a thousand times, more accurately for three hours straight and feel my mind bend when it’s not just right. I know in my heart it’s my life that feels out of order, out of control. But it’s hard to walk away and hard to stop cleaning because obsession isn’t kind to reason.
Yesterday while painting I heard tires screech and metal smash. The cross section where I live has a lot of car accidents, bad accidents with death. Since my fear of loss is great right now I rose from my chair saying, “Not Captain, please don’t let it be Captain.” I always worry he’s jumped the fence or more likely opened it and crossed the street. It looked outside to see him sitting by grape vines taking in the sun. Three ambulances later and two tow trucks later my heart still pounded furiously. I don’t want to lose him the way I fear I’ll lose Blossom. My fear of loss is great right now. But I worry it has more to do with losing my chance of getting the past right than losing a friend.
As usual we performed for Blossom/mother. We watched her laugh until tears streamed down her face and she held her belly doubled over. Nothing has changed in my past yet I still do the same behaviors based on magical thinking. This is why therapy is so important. I can observe my behavior but I need help changing it.
Morton of Morton’s Pride
Observations
Sunday, July 08, 2007-9:28PM EST
Yeah. I totally get it. I went on a cleaning binge this weekend. Nothing was dirty. But everything was filthy to my eyes.
I hate the out of control feelings. I hate it all.
That last sentence I totally get. All the self-reflection, analysis, observation, insight, etc is only part of the process, and like you I needed a professional’s help in what to do about what I observed.
In a strange sense that’s why I do the opposite. I have trouble cleaning because if I start I can’t stop. It feels like defeat. No matter how much I scrub I will still be filthy because I can’t clean up the filth inside.
I really wish I could someday find a therapist I trusted enough to open up to and tell them this.