Head in the toilet, chilled and sweating, bones out screaming my stomach and lack of nightmare-free sleep makes my heart desperate. I can deal with the body pain. I can deal with my hips and my knees, with vomiting, with everything if it doesn’t all happen at one time. Actually, I can deal with the body pain happening all at one time but when you toss in lack of good sleep with a bunch of emotional issues and personal life junk I get desperate. I actually thought to myself yesterday, I’d be better off dead than live like this. I’m laying there shivering, rather dizzy from vomiting and think to myself, this is bullshit. For one split second I was ready to go but I know in my heart I’m just tired. I need some good sleep, more than a three hour stretch where all I see is my sister, my mother and tangled images. I need a break from the issue of therapists, from fear of loss, from everything. I need the sun on my face, my best pal Captain at my side and a glass of sun tea and ice. That’s what I need today. I feel desperate and that worries me.
It’s 2:30PM but I’m going to try and go back to sleep, take some clonapin and try to get some sleep. I have therapy tomorrow at 3PM. He’ll hear our request to show us his stuff. I know it seems odd that we’d go back to this guy again but what I learned on the net about his abilities may very well overshadow his personality defect(s). We do have our limits as to how much crap we’ll let slide. We just hope that we can gain some sort of life skills from this guy, something that makes continuing as we do worth it. If he can’t show us the skills then we move on. The trade off, deal with his ego in exchange for less pain, it seems worth it guys. He is an asshole through and through, but an asshole that may very well be able to give me something. If he were just and ordinary asshole we wouldn’t think twice about going back but he’s an extraordinary asshole who may be able to offer us a little more than the average therapist. I don’t need someone that just listens and understands. I need guidance, skilled therapeutic guidance. He may very well be able to do this. The trade off is that he’s an ass. I just hope him flashing us with his ass-ego will cease long enough to show us if we are willing to make this trade. Well deal with him if he shows us how to deal with us. That’s the trade. I’ll see tomorrow if he’s willing to trade.
It’s always your right to call him on his crap. After all, you’re paying him!
I like how you express your anger at MacBlue’s character defects, yet have the perception to realize he may have something worthwhile to offer you professionally. You always impress me with how well you take care of yourself.
I hope soon you can get some good, peaceful sleep. I know what you’re going through–I haven’t had much of that myself lately. May we both get some good solid rest.