Big Pink Elephant

I can’t sit across from the table, lift my fork, smile, sip Coke and pretend I’m not angry. I can’t look a person in the face or hold a conversation with them knowing inside I seethe. For this reason I canceled dinner with friends. One friend is unaware of my reasons for canceling but the other, oh she knows why. After an hour long conversation I realized I was speaking to the wall. It didn’t make any difference how I explained myself she just wasn’t listening. If I sat at the dinner table offering smiles when I really didn’t feel like it I’d toss myself right back in yesterday. It is yesterday when the big pink elephant lived with me. But I’m an adult now. While I will not hold a grudge I also will not pretend I feel one way when I feel the exact opposite. I’m sorry but I’m not going to dinner. I’m not the pink elephant type anymore. I looked past him out of necessity but times have changed. I’m a survivor now. I slay pink elephants.

I think part of our conversation that made me angry was when she told me she would do what ever it took to make me happy. Argh! There goes that submission, that total disregard for self. It gets to me. It gets to me deeper than the moment. I know it goes back to not just how I saw my sister as weak but how I saw myself as weak. How could I lay down and take that kind of beating at age 20? What kind of weak something was I? Why did fear grip me so hard that I’d disregard dignity and lay down and be beaten with a dowel rod? Submission! I do not take it well and I do not express it well. When she said she’d do whatever it took to make me happy I swear I pulled the phone from my ear and looked cock eyed at the phone. Did you really just say that? Are you serious? I said to her, “Please tell your therapist exactly what you just said to me. Please make sure that you tell your therapist that you offered control of your thoughts and decisions and that you are willing to trade what you want in order to not upset me.” I could hear her crying on the phone then I heard nothing. I said, “Hello?” I thought she hung up. The ultimate offense, to hang up in the middle of a conversation. I was pissed. She didn’t hang up on me, she was just quiet. She told me she just wanted me to stop feeling angry and to tell her what to do to so she could make everything okay. I told her, “You’re a grown woman. You’re a smart, capable woman who can make her own decisions. I will not take control of you.” “But how do I fix this?” “It’s up to you to fix it. I can tell you how I feel but you have to be the one to decide what you want to do based on how you feel. I won’t tell you what to do.”

The conversation was void of comedy. There was no pep talks, no typical Joan of Arc to the rescue action. She then said, “Shall we pick you up tomorrow?” I will gladly eat leftovers. Curried beans and rice with sausage and spicy corn cakes, ice tea and no pink elephant. I’ll be just fine.

I feel the need to say that I don’t yell at her. I don’t call her names or talk down to her. I really don’t. I get so frustrated but I don’t curse at her or yell or name call. Now matter how crazy I get with wording on here I let it stay on the blog. Like hitting, you can’t look a person in the face and be cruel and in the next breath say you care. There is a part of me that simply crumbles when I think of this girl ’cause I hold onto the hope that this time I’ll get it right. This time I won’t be the bad one. Boy how I worry that it’s all me. I just have to shake my head and stick to what I know. No pink elephants, no faking, no hinting, no games and certainly no lies. I hope it’s not all my fault. I should mention as well that Blossom has been medically cleared to drive again. So with one eye and one ear and a head full of issues she’ll meet our other friend for dinner. God help the fly on the wall that hears their conversation.

Sad, ashamed,
J of A

Big Pink Elephant
Thursday, July 12, 2007-12:42midnight EST