Trust Issues and Fear

There isn’t a person on the face of the earth I trust without question. There isn’t a person on the face of this earth that I feel so safe with that I’d turn around and be comfortable with them standing behind me. No matter how long I’ve known you or will know you, if you stand behind me I’ll move.

Months back when lying in bed talking and spooning I asked Blossom, “How can you stand for me to be behind you this way? You can’t see me.” She said, “Because I trust you.” She asked if I would be uncomfortable if she were behind me. I said, “Yes.” It kinda ruined the moment. She realized just how deep my trust issues are. Was it her I didn’t trust because it was her or because I’m me? It’s the latter. My lack of trust is pretty much blanket, all inclusive, there’s no one special person I trust less than others save my mother.

MacBlue asked if I feel safe with Barney Fife (my roommate). I told him, “I worry sometimes he’s going to come back and try to hurt me but being stronger than he is makes that a bad decision for him.” He’s an uncoordinated old man who requires a daily nap. I’m a strong 36 year old woman. Do the math. But the fear is there. Again, it’s a blanket kind of fear, all inclusive; no one is feared above another save my mother.

When it comes to individuals my lack of trust is blanket but when it comes to trust and gender women get a double layer. For those whose main abuser was male I’m sure this fear and trust issue can be related to men in general. So when you read this, if you’re main abuser was male then insert the word man where you see woman and hopefully this won’t be so offensive. When it comes to even my closest female friends I find myself holding back in fear. I find myself questioning their motives and actions. My trust issues with women are strong and there is nothing they can say to me that would make me believe they’re safe. For many women I fear them on a paranoid level. Like they have some sort of connection to my mother and they’re reporting back to her. Before you go off thinking I’ve slipped into paranoid Schizophrenia let me tell you why this thought occurs to me from time to time.

It was not uncommon to hear my mother tell me, “Everything is naked and openly exposed.” She said she had people following me and my sister so she could know what we do all the time. She said she knew what I was thinking and that everything belonged to her. But the thing that stood out the most was “Everything is naked and openly exposed.” (Hebrews 4:13). Since I saw my mother as a god figure I believed her when she quoted that scripture. She misquoted it as she attributed this ability to herself but still, its scripture and I believed it. I believed she had people following me. I believed she knew my every thought. Heck, I learned other languages so I could have my own private thoughts in those languages so she wouldn’t know what I was saying. Through repetition “Everything is naked and openly exposed” has stuck with me. So sometimes I wonder, does so-and-so know my mother? That fear is less by the day because I’m able to reason it away. Being out of her company has helped beat that belief into the dirt where it belongs. Although she set herself up as God she certainly is not one.

This brings me to trust and faith. On Marcy’s blog she was interviewed by Enola concerning why she believes in God and what lead to that faith. One answer Marcy gave is “The things that appealed to me were unconditional, constant, all-knowing and understanding love, trustworthiness, faithfulness, solid ground.” This sentence brought my comment below:

I think I like your answer to question number one quite a bit. There is individuality in Christianity but also connection. I really like the way you put that. A long time ago I was ready a scripture that said something to the effect of, “we have trust that Jesus Christ…..” I stopped and said, “WE trust?” I actually said aloud, “WE trust?” That’s when I realized my trust issues went deeper than mere humans. However, last week when that whole mouse fiasco took place I actually prayed Marcy. I actually prayed. I was doubled over in tears. I could feel myself loosing it big time and so I prayed. And it’s been a very long time since his name has come off my lips that way. It felt good. I miss it. I really do. A calm came over me. I got some peace, enough to not harm myself that night. Later in therapy MacBlue asked me what I did to get my head together. I told him I prayed. He asked what I prayed for. I said for the flashbacks to stop. He said, “Have they?” I said “No.” But you know what? It doesn’t mean they won’t. I got part of what I needed. I needed peace at that moment and I got that. I trust, and I do mean trust, that when I need to call out in prayer I can. It took a very long time to be able to read the scripture that says “we trust” and not flinch.

Thank goodness God isn’t female or I’d be right back as square one. What I’ve come to trust about him is that he doesn’t change. He’s the same as he was yesterday and a thousand million years before. He’s not going to be in a mood and wipe me off the earth or punish me for this or that unjustly because he can. He’s fair. He’s kind. But the biggest thing for me that makes him trustworthy is that he doesn’t change. I knew nothing about consistencies growing up with a psychopath given to borderline fits of rage and borderline inconsistencies. I never knew what she’d do next. Will she be kind today? Will she be sadistic, will we eat, will we stay in our apartment or move to the car, will she kill me today or will we go see a movie? Everything was up in the air, nothing rock solid, always changing with no rhyme or reason. One of the many things I respect about God is his reasoning and his consistency. Because of this I trust him.

Austin

Trust Issues and Fear – Saturday, August 25, 2007-11:00AM EST