Monthly Archive for August, 2007

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Gratitude and Pleasing Moments

Published on August 27, 2007 in Art, For the Record, Gratitude Journal and Relationships. 6 Comments

It’s been a long time since I did a gratitude journal entry. It’s rather difficult to think along positive lines when it feels like the world is crumbling around you and all you really want to do is recede under a rock and never surface. But despite the sky falling there have been a few rainbows. In no particular order is a list of things I’m grateful for and things I’m pleased to have experienced.

Rising Sun

  1. The other day at the store I was $2 short of covering my bill. I had to put an item back. When I paid for what I had the register spit out a coupon for $2. I was able to use it right then and there. So for less than (six) $6 I brought home three one pound polish sausage links and two packages of chicken patties with 6 patties each. This will make keeping food in the house next month a breeze. I smiled all the way home after getting that coupon. Continue reading ‘Gratitude and Pleasing Moments’

The Marcy and Aussie Interview

Published on August 27, 2007 in For the Record, Gratitude Journal, Mental Health and Therapy. 2 Comments

This is a 5 question interview conducted by Marcy over at Becoming Three. Please see the end of this entry for more information on this meme. To see Marcy‘s interview by Thordora click here.

1. What’s your favorite vegetable?

My favorite vegetable is probably fresh spinach. It use to be zucchini but I’d have to say fresh spinach has taken it’s place. I’m a vegetable lover. When I was 8 years old I gave up on meat and became a vegetarian. I loved it. I felt clean inside, fresh. I went to the library to see what I needed to do to eat a healthy vegetarian diet because I knew it was dangerous to not do vegetarianism right. It’s been 3 years now since I started eating meat again. I started again when my mental health declined and I began neglecting to cook proper meals for myself. I talked to my doctor and he said to start slowly. So I got a George Forman Grill so that I could slap a piece of chicken on there, open a can of veggies and at least get some sort of nutrition in me. While depressed and not eating good vegetarian meals, balanced vegetarian meals, I ended up gaining a crap load of weight. I’d eat cookies or chips just to get something in me. My level of depression back then was debilitating enough that I had to, for myself, make a radical change. That change had to be something that required very little energy or thought. Getting my little grill has helped me get back to a baseline depressive state. Cooking quickly and with more nutrition is what sparked my now closed blog Food For The Fragmented Mind. I will most likely not go back to being a vegetarian but I have a lot of vegetarian cookbooks that I can thumb through still. I mostly eat chicken as far as meat goes. Continue reading ‘The Marcy and Aussie Interview’

Is Death Too Harsh For Sex Offenders?

Published on August 26, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Soapbox. 4 Comments Tags: .

On YouTube I saw a video by a pedophile saying the laws are too strict for sex offenders. He said it wasn’t right to keep them so many feet from children. He said the laws are too harsh and that pedophiles were killing themselves so their families could go on with their lives. I suppose we survivors and the law makers were suppose to drop tears for him and them. He even said to protect our children they need to be informed. He made it sound like we need to keep away from him not him away from us. The whole time he was talking he looked like he was high on something. The man has issues more than pedophilia. I think someone should step up and shoot him too. Or he could do us a favor and shoot himself. That way we don’t have to prosecute a hero for taking out a slob.

Disclaimer

This entry is not directed at anyone in particular. After seeing that jackass’ video I was livid. A comment came in validating my anger. I want to make it clear that this entry isn’t directed at her. It’s an entry about why I’m so pissed, especially after seeing that video.

I’m pissed at the world cause as Couey said, this sort of thing happens everyday. Everyday!!! You know what else pisses me off? There will be people to come to his aide or protest his death as if he has some right to life at all. This is a whole ‘nother rant here and has nothing to do with what you said okay. This is a whole different directional rant which really got started after I saw that jackasses video which I refuse to link to.

Am I pro-death penalty? Yes and No. Am I pro-death penalty for repeat sex offenders? Hell yes! However, with the death penalty in general the length of time it takes to see the death chamber, the appeals and all of that will re-victimize the family. In that way I’m against the death penalty. I think it hurts the victims more than serves justice when it takes twenty years to be put to death. But is the death penalty itself unjust? No. I don’t believe it is. I’m sure this opens up a whole different debate about who has the right to kill whom and all that but I’m going to tell ya (not you personally but everyone out there) when it comes to certain issues there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind. When it comes to repeat sex offenders I am all for the death penalty. I am totally for child sex offenders AND serial rapists getting the death penalty.

This is how I see it…we keep murderers in prison, try to keep them there to serve out their sentence and consider them more dangerous than those that kill the soul of woman and children. This says to me that the value of life is somewhat backwards. It’s like, well, yes you were raped and he raped other women/children/men BUT you’re alive so he gets earlier release than criminals that didn’t keep their victims alive. For Jessica Lunsford she had two things taken, her body and her life. The death penalty is just. But when an offender repeatedly takes the body of individuals but doesn’t take their life does it make him better than the man that takes both? To me, the magnitude of the crime is what makes something worthy of death. Every victim of Couey’s deserves justice even though he left them alive. But once you rack up a number of living victims I believe the death penalty should come into play. I do not believe there should be more justice for the dead than the living. My point is that there should be equal justice for the dead and the living. When it comes to predators be they murderers or sex offenders justice should be equal and should not depend on if the victim lived. The magnitude of the crime, the number of victims by sex offenders should be weighed and the death penalty considered. But hey, if the world doesn’t want to off the pedophiles then stop giving them early release. Stop letting people out for good behavior. What is good behavior in prison for crying out loud? What he mopped the floor and didn’t start any fights therefore he gets a little gold star that makes him eligible to leave his cell and go assault someone else? Good behavior? For a pedophile? Give me a fucking break!!!

Call me crazy for saying they should be put to death but you know what? I sit up at night scared to death. I see the images in my head like it was yesterday and I can feel my mother, my uncle, my cousin on me. It makes me not just angry but sick to know if my mother got the death penalty for torturing and raping me from age 3 to my late teens there would be someone that would come to her aid in the death chamber. What the fuck about me? It’s like, hang on people, you care about that life, about making sure that lives. You’re going to go hold up candles at the prison when that is put to death? Guess what? That’s bull shit. But, when Couey is put to death there will be people protesting. They’ll be up holding candles and what not and I’ll be up too. I’ll be up trying to avoid the same fucking nightmares, the same flashbacks, the same damn memories cause by a woman and two men that just couldn’t find it in their heart to leave me the fuck alone. Hell yeah I’m pissed. I’m pissed because there is so much attention given to the criminals and their rights. And way too often the shock and horror of what happens wears off and victims will be forgotten, both the living and the dead.

Destiny

More Calls For Death Penalty in Child Rape Cases

Sunday, August 26, 2007-6:57PM EST

UPDATE

And another fuckin thing! If ever I were assaulted again and stood before a court or the media and they asked what I wanted out of the case I swear I’d say it was because the person fucked me over, not because I wanted to protect others. Yes, I want others to not go through what the perp did to me but I’m not going to give the line about, “This is so no one else has to go through this.” Fuck that, this is for me. I want this mother fucker in jail because he fucked me over. That’s why I’m doing this. And when you put him in jail then no one else gets fucked over. It’s called killing two birds with one stone.

I’m done for the day. I’m spent. I’ve gotta eat and calm down, pet my dog and all that jazz. Offenders have taken up too much of my day already.

Destiny

Couey You’re A Dead Man

Published on August 26, 2007 in PTSD and Soapbox. 5 Comments

“This kind of thing happens every day,” John Couey said while being arrested for the rape and murder of Jessica Lunsford. This kind of thing happens everyday, that a child would be taken from her home, raped over the course of several days and then be buried alive.

I’m not going to make this a 3 or 4 part post. I certainly could. I’ll just say a few things and let it go at that.

I read that the pedophile John Couey didn’t say anything during his sentencing nor did he show emotion for this act however, he is recorded as one time saying that when he gets to heaven he’d like to apologize to Jessica for what he did to her. In my opinion, that comment alone is worthy of the death penalty. Somebody step up and shoot this man.

Since the law supports the death penalty for capital crimes the law will have filled it’s obligation once Couey is dead. But what about other obligations for serving justice? I’m upset by the many loopholes in laws written to protect children and adults from predators. For example, although Couey’s family knew about his pedophilia and his thirty year criminal history they did not report his whereabouts. They also were not required by law to report it to the police. Had they reported it, had they been required by law to report it they could have been held partially responsible for Jessica’s death. I’m not saying it would have stopped it but it would have at least kept blood off their hands. In my opinion not letting the police know Couey was in the area gave him unsupervised access to a number of victims. By them protecting their pedophile they allowed him to hunt and kill. They should be held accountable for that but the loophole in the law doesn’t provide that sort of justice.

Why does it take death to change laws? And why does it take re-writing those laws to close loopholes that let justice slip through? On the issue of Florida laws changing Jessica’s father Mark Lunsford said, “The problem is still growing. Children are still being molested. Sex offenders and predators are still being released,” Lunsford said. “Justice was served for this little girl, but what about the rest of them? What about the ones that survive? You can’t do anything to bring my daughter back, but you can do everything to save these other kids.”

What about the ones that survive? What about us? The ones that grew up watching other children become survivors? We’re caught here in the middle, as the laws do not change for us we struggle day in and day out, alive but not really living. Mark Lunsford said something I personally haven’t heard before from the mouth of a parent of a murdered child, “What about the one’s that survive?” Thank you for that acknowledgment. From the bottom of my heart, thank you because sometimes I think we are forgotten. Sometimes I think it is harder to deal with us as adults and feel sympathy for us than for child victims. We’re kind of out here in the middle, the left behind children of molestation if you will. But the more protection there is for children the fewer left behind adults there will be. I’d like to see us become a dying breed. I’d like to see us become an extinct civilization, one only read about in history books with a look of horror on the faces of modern man that anyone would have let it go this far for so long. Thank you for acknowledging the ones that survive.

As for John Couey, you’re a dead man as well you should be. Not only did he remark that he would apologize to Jessica once he got to heaven he also said something good came out of her death. The weasel said at least now the laws are stricter in Florida for sex offenders. He said this as if he’d done something worthwhile, something to help his community. See, had he not snatched this child from her family the laws wouldn’t have been changed. Give me a break and a chance at pushing the needle. They should lottery off his execution. Charge $5 per ticket. The winner gets to push in the needle. I have $5.00. For once I wish this were a country like the one where they executed Saddam Hussein. Thirty days and you’re outta here. Thirty days and they blotch your hanging while catching it on a cell phone cam. Cause you know, that sort of thing over there happens every day.

Jessica Lunsford links

CNN- a page full of links
Jessica didn’t suffer a great deal. Death likened to Kevorkian’s assisted suicide. (When viewing this article a sign in window will pop up. Hit the escape button several times in a row and it’ll disappear.)
Couey colors during the trial
You’re not retarded, just stupid. Couey tries to avoid death penalty by saying he’s retarded. 2002 laws changed making it unconstitutional to put to death someone who is mentally retarded.
Couey’s housemates Questions about DNA and how the case was handled.
Stop Child Predators , Jessica Marie Lunsford Foundation

**GPS Tracking for Sex Offenders**

Couey You’re A Dead Man-Sunday, August 26, 2007-1:02PM EST

Trust Issues and Fear

Published on August 25, 2007 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 4 Comments Tags: .

There isn’t a person on the face of the earth I trust without question. There isn’t a person on the face of this earth that I feel so safe with that I’d turn around and be comfortable with them standing behind me. No matter how long I’ve known you or will know you, if you stand behind me I’ll move.

Months back when lying in bed talking and spooning I asked Blossom, “How can you stand for me to be behind you this way? You can’t see me.” She said, “Because I trust you.” She asked if I would be uncomfortable if she were behind me. I said, “Yes.” It kinda ruined the moment. She realized just how deep my trust issues are. Was it her I didn’t trust because it was her or because I’m me? It’s the latter. My lack of trust is pretty much blanket, all inclusive, there’s no one special person I trust less than others save my mother.

MacBlue asked if I feel safe with Barney Fife (my roommate). I told him, “I worry sometimes he’s going to come back and try to hurt me but being stronger than he is makes that a bad decision for him.” He’s an uncoordinated old man who requires a daily nap. I’m a strong 36 year old woman. Do the math. But the fear is there. Again, it’s a blanket kind of fear, all inclusive; no one is feared above another save my mother.

Continue reading ‘Trust Issues and Fear’

Because You Wanted To Know

Published on August 23, 2007 in For the Record and Humor. 3 Comments

These people were searching for something. I’m not sure if they found it so I thought I’d give some helpful answers and put them in the know.

Mental disorders, sesame street
Yes, Sesame Street is full of nuts. I’ve always thought Gonzo had issues. And you know that little red fluffy guy’s a whack job. Nobody talks with that high of a voice and giggles all the time without having some sort of real mental problem.

My cat walks on me, why?
Because she’s rude.

Is my mother a sociopath?
Yes, yes she is and so is mine. Perhaps they are long lost sisters.

I am the man of your dreams
Clearly you have not been paying attention to the recent entries on this blog sir.

Loser girls borderline personality disorder
Loser? Oh no you didn’t. Let me tell you about losers you no good low down so-and-so. You short little louse. Don’t let me find your IP address. I’ll have to go loco on your stupid ass. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.

Horrible things to the black race.
OJ Simpson, Mike Tyson and Flavor Flave. Flavor Flave has set back progress a good 50 years. Damn you Flavor Flave, damn you! Michael Jackson doesn’t count cause he’s not black anymore but if he were black he’d be on the top of the list of horrible things that have happened to black people.

How to date black women
What? Is there a manual? My goodness. I knew there was a book called “Black Like Me” but I’m unaware of a “how to date black women” manual. If you find one please do let me know how to get a copy. Not that I could date a black woman….I have issues ya know, but that’s neither here nor there.

search

I hope this information was helpful to you. Please do return often and I’ll try to answer your questions with as much inaccuracy as possible.

Thanks for stopping by,
Austin of Sundrip Journals

Because You Wanted To Know
Thursday, August 23, 2007-5:12AM EST

Therapy Stuff- Safety Measures

Published on August 23, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Pets, Poetry, PTSD and Therapy. 1 Comment

Therapy again tomorrow, oh the joy! Actually, MacBlue was very helpful Tuesday. I was impressed with our session.

I got to talk to a friend today on the phone and kind of unload on her. I always enjoy talking to her. I feel motivated after our conversations. She seems to think I give more than I get but it’s not true. After talking to her I did exactly what I said I was going to do, wash the dog. I have to take him with me tomorrow so he can’t be funky. Nobody likes a funky dog, especially a large funky dog. So that I don’t go escaping out of the cab again I’ll have him attached to my pants. There’s a hook on his harness that I attach a clip to and then clip it to my belt loop. This way I can’t wonder off. He won’t let me. It’s important that he go with me for the next few sessions until I can get myself back to my normal jacked up state of mind. Wednesday’s are usually grooming days around here anyway so everyone got their nails clipped, everyone was brushed and Cap got washed and had his teeth brushed. He even got the royal treatment of aloe vera to soften his coat and keep his skin healthy.

I did some artwork and wrote a poem for it. Now I’m going to bed. I’m not sure when the last time was that I made it to bed before 5am. It won’t be tonight/today.

This is the art piece that goes with the poem.

The Essence of Me


I wish to rise from ruins.
Gather broken pieces,
Shards and shreds long cast off as useless
And create one form worth standing for.
I will rise from rubble
For one great stand
One grand shine.

In my true essence
I wish to rise unscathed by imagery and voices
That encourage the lying down of hope.

Austin

Therapy Stuff- Safety Measures
Thursday, August 23, 2007-4:35AM EST