Monthly Archive for August, 2007

Page 3 of 7

A Time To Grieve

Published on August 21, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 5 Comments

Weeks ago she whispered “I wish we’d never even tried.” Then she corrected herself saying had we not there would be no good memories to hold onto. Little did I know Love felt compelled to date me because I told her I’d been in love with her for so long. I wish she could read the entry of a friend who just the other day noted how she doesn’t feel compelled to date a man just because he shows interest. In other words, just because there are fish in the sea it doesn’t mean you have to throw in a line. My friend knows just because she has options doesn’t mean she has to make a choice. She can choose to not choose.

As always I left a smart-alec remark on her blog and in good fun she gave a quality retort promising to do whatever it took to make me happy. I thought it was funny but I know someone who has said almost the exact same words. While some would never promise unwavering dedication their actions speak those words verbatim. This is part of what ate at my respect for Love, her total disregard for self. This brings me to today’s therapy session and the subject of my entry, grief. According to Love her decision to date me was based on me showing her attention and that adds to my sadness concerning our break up. Did she ever love me for me or was she with me out of compulsion? Did she love me at all or just the idea of being in love? Was it compulsion? Was there a time she was with me because she wanted to be with ME?

Tiny Bowl Big Fish

I may be proud of her my friend for understanding this part of her life but I’m pissed as hell at Love. MacBlue said perhaps I should set aside a few days to grieve her loss. That discussion led to a striking discovery. He asked me, “Do you feel out of control when you’re sad?” (cue crickets) Control sadness? (more crickets) I can control my anger. I have outlets for it. I work hard to make sure I don’t go around punching people out, going postal as it were. I know I control anger in such a way that others won’t be hurt by it. But sadness, no, I don’t control that. I get lost in it. It’s a huge pit that promises an end but fails to deliver. In happiness I’m confused. I don’t trust it nor do I know the rules but anger and fear, I know them well. I’m nearly comfortable with them. But with sadness and joy I’m like a fish out of water.

My therapist believes the reason my little one cries is because she was the one who loved our lover the most. I said “No, she’s only three years old.” He said “Maybe she loved her like an aunt.” I thought, “Or like a mother.” Then a flash of faces came forward, faces of people I had this type of transference connection with and it all made sense to me. I know who the little one is and I know why she cries.

MacBlue wonders if she is the one whose job it is to express so deeply what others of us run from. This job of grief doesn’t belong to a three year old. We don’t do that to our Pride members; leave them to handle a job too big for them. Our system of hierarchy is set up to make sure each member has a job they can handle. The higher up the chain the more responsibility the Pride member has. This helps ease burdens and allows successes while minimizing feelings of failure. This level of sadness should not belong to a three year old. MacBlue’s suggestion to help this little one is to take a few days to grieve and feel our overwhelming sadness. I’m to draw it, blog it, think on it, and touch it without running. Gracious sakes alive, staying angry seems easier.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

A Time To Grieve
Tuesday, August 21, 2007-4:32PM EST

I Long For The Day

Published on August 21, 2007 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Poetry, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy. 4 Comments

There was a time, not so long ago when I could hit my wife and no one called me a brute.
I could blacken the eyes of my youngest son and no one said it was abuse
This world moves about in an arrogant wagon collecting this boy, that girl,
Instructing tolerance, teaching patience
But I shall not conform.

I long for the day when it was quite right to hate you because you’re Irish, German, Spanish, a Jew.
I long for the day when I didn’t have to explain
Why I won’t hire you, house you or sell you my goods.
He’s Lebanese, he’s African, he’s White, it was enough,
Back then it was enough.
I could slap a queer and my buddies would buy a round,
Beat up a bum in exchange for a pat on the back,
Roust boys from the other side of the tracks and lead others down my path of unbridled wrath.
Such noble days are a thing of the past.

I yearn for the years when mothers commonly looked the other way as her daughter’s innocence was stolen.
I ache for the easy times when all I had to do was teach her to cook and be a wife
How to accept drunken revelries and anger driven nights.
But now, now she has to discover her way,
Explore womanhood in a world of free thought.
She’ll be lost to me and no amount of baked goods will turn her head back
To when gender roles where clear cut
And behavior was controlled by irrational thoughts.
No one stepped outside the box.
I long for those days.

Strength has been replaced by psychobabble based on delusions
Sicknesses scribbled on scrap paper by a man made famous by his addictions.
Untie your boot straps.
Air your dirty laundry all to your family’s shame.
Oh times how they have changed.

I use to hit you and answer to no one
Turn my back and ignore evil
Teach boys to be boys
And hear maybe yes when you said no.
For those days I long
But my heart clings to what does not sway.
Through war, through peace, generations lost,
Foundations torn and laid
Still we celebrate the marriage between victim and blame.

Writing Title:I long for the day-Wednesday, August 15, 2007-8:39PM EST

I’ve been thinking about these things. I’ll admit, I wrote these lines 6 days ago with a very discouraged pen. I can’t say it’s my best writing but I will say it puts together all the so called progress the world has made while leaving one major stone virtually unturned. Strange is how not only will the everyday person make excuses for a perp but everyday a victim will too. That stone is the hardest one of all to turn, to crush to powder and blow away with the primal scream of righteous indignation.

For Blog Carnival Against Abuse
There use to be a time when it was okay that you hit me, that you hurt me. No one called you an abuser, but times have changed. There use to be and still is a the belief that the victim is somehow at fault. Those times need to change.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
Tuesday, August 21, 2007-6:22AM EST

Stop It And Stop It Now

Published on August 21, 2007 in For the Record and Soapbox. 1 Comment

Dear PostWorthy I’ve seen your site pop up on my stats page several days in a row. This concerns me because I fear you may be like the blog PressPost who misuses feeds for an unknown gain. I’m not legally able to say you’re a spam blog because you give scraps with links and not nearly as much as say…..PressPost did/does. I’m still bothered it though. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my entries alone and snip somewheres else. What? Do you think I write this stuff so others can snatch it up and put a snippet of info on their blog or God forbid all but two lines of it then categorize it with lame tags like, “I say funny”, “cars, cars, cars” and “eXtreme sports”? Please, for the love of all that is blogger-holy stop snatching my shit!

Yours truly,

The Pissed off Blogger called Austin

Aussie Facts

Published on August 20, 2007 in For the Record and Humor. 3 Comments Tags: .
  1. I can’t drink anything without a straw. If I open a can of Pepsi (Coke is evil) I put a straw in it. I have to have a straw.
  2. It’s been about 7 or 8 years now since the introduction of chocolate in my diet. I use to hate chocolate. I was sick back then.
  3. I often turn phrases around. Instead of saying “happy camper” I’ll say “camper of happiness.” I’m just odd that way.
  4. I never gave a person a nickname until I started blogging.
  5. I think about the Bible every single day. I have a small collection of them. The oldest is dated 1891.
  6. I dream about moving back to Tyler but with the mental health system there it’s not a good move. I dream about visiting but I really just want to remember it exactly how I left it.
  7. I now house the most animals I’ve ever had at one time, one dog, two cats and a loaner cat. I believe they own me, not the other way around.
  8. I try not to leave home without my camera. I recently discovered two yards with sunflower gardens within walking distance of my house. I’ve promised myself on a day when the weather is healthy for me I’ll go snap shots of them.
  9. Last week before therapy two kids decided I was their patient. I got a check up. One took my blood pressure while the other looked in my eye with a Fisher Price scope. The lady doctor gave me a pill (a Lego) and told me I’d be fine. This is the first time I’ve been medically cleared by 2 four year olds.
  10. What’s on my iPod? Ari Heist, Linkin Park, James Blunt and John Mayer. Also on the iPod are Anita Baker, Pink, Damien Rice and Paolo Nutini .

Here’s a video of the very emotional performance by James Blunt called No Bravery ….The song is about the time he spent in the military. These clips are actually from things he’s seen so the emotion on his face makes the words even more powerful. Not all of his songs are this emotional or I couldn’t handle it but this one is still a favorite. For a survivor this song could mean so many things…You need to be in a decent space if you click this video.

This is Paolo singing Last Request. He cries too but for a totally different reason, he’s just emotional when he sings.

One tear streams down his face and I grab my shirt and do the chick at a concert scream. It’s sad. I’m so happy no one can see me do that groupie hands to the head scream. I don’t hold up a lighter though. I’m not that bad…yet. For the unfortunate people that don’t know who Paolo Nutini is he’s a Scottish kid with an Italian name who sings his heart out. Love the guy. However, James Blunt is higher up on the food chain. When you watch the video you’ll understand why and you’ll understand the very emotional way he sings this song.

I’m off line for the day (Monday) so this bread crumb entry will have to do. I shall talk to everyone later.

Austin

An STD and My Husband Black Jack

Published on August 19, 2007 in For the Record and Humor. 2 Comments

Some of my alters hear quite well but the main ones don’t which means when the TV is on we have to use closed captions. Sometimes on commercials CC’s are messed up and we miss part of it. I wish Channel 8 had good CC’s. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have been forced to look up what I thought I heard. “Side effects may include increased gambling.” What? No, I didn’t hear that correctly. I jumped on Google to make sure I heard this wrong. I expected to find nothing. I figured I just heard it wrong. Heck, one time a lady at the doctor’s office asked me if I wanted to adopt a parrot. I told her no. She said, “But they’re such nice pets, come see it.” I followed her next door to the vet’s office where she showed me a ferret. No closed captions. My bad! After many misheard experiences such as this I’ve learned to ask, “Did you just say….?” Usually I’m wrong. I hoped to be today so I hit up my trusty friend Google concerning the treatment of Restless Leg Syndrome with the FDA approved medication Requip.

Before I go on you must know this is not an entry saying do or do not take this med or to give any medical advice at all. It’s about closed captions and not hearing things correctly. I’ve also added my twisted sense of humor to this. So, if you’re looking for medical advice, this isn’t the blog or the blog entry for you. Please see a real doctor and not one who plays one on the web. With that said, I looked up only a few sources but the two I’ll quote are from Wikipedia and Requip themselves.

On the subject of RLS treatment Wikipedia says: “There are some issues with the use of dopamine augmentation. Dopamine agonists may cause augmentation. This is a medical condition where the drug itself causes symptoms to increase in severity and/or occur earlier in the day. Dopamine agonists may also cause rebound, when symptoms increase as the drug wears off. Also, a recent study indicated that dopamine agonists used in restless leg patients can lead to an increase in compulsive gambling.[17]

Well, I may now have a better understanding of what causes this symptom but I can’t say I feel better about it. The medication commercials with working CC’s tell me I’ll be just fine and that my doctor will assure me of it. I mean ya know, if I don’t have failing kidneys or go anywhere near anyone with advanced liver disease, diabetes, heart disease, cataracts, hemorrhoids or acid reflux I”ll be fine. And if I don’t plan to ever get a fever, the hiccups, have cold chills or come in contact with anyone inflicted with these maladies I should be okay. So, now that I understand I can never, ever get sick or come in contact with anyone that might get sick what are my medication options? Why, lets try Requip.

Requip is a popular medication used to treat RLS and it was their commercial I was watching so naturally I’d go to their site. This is a copy paste from their site:

Important Safety Information:

Prescription Requip is not for everyone. Requip Tablets may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop taking Requip.

For More Safety Information about Requip, click here.

See complete Prescribing Information for Requip.

Oh-ma Lord, I heard correctly. IF Requip works for me I can feel better about my RLS but I could also lose my home and contract a number of STD’s in the process. I like the way they say most people weren’t bothered enough to stop taking the medication. I believe some of their data is questionable. Can they prove that there was no “hooking up” between two or more trial patients with hyper-sexuality side effects? How do we know these hyper-pervs said they weren’t bothered by the side effects because life had been so dull before… but now, oh now, they have a new lease. It’s a shorter lease because of the STD’s contracted, but it’s a new, more “active lease.” I believe we were mislead when they said trial participants were satisfied and not bothered enough by the side effects to stop taking Requip. And what of the compulsive gambler? For those who got involved in compulsive gambling and lost everything, their vote doesn’t count. How do we know they didn’t lose their vote in some back room poker game and the winner voted all his winnings in favor of the drug? There really is no way to determine if people were so bothered by these side effects because the side effects of the side effects can alter the vote. I want a total recall of this medication so more accurate data can be gathered. I bet they won’t do it. I bet ya five bucks they won’t do it.

Missing:

My husband Jack was last seen around Atlantic City with a dish water blond in stiletto heals. If you see him tell him our house was taken, the car was repossessed and I hocked the dog. Tell him I’m still on the meds and my “other” doctor said “It’s not just yeast.”

Entry Title: An STD and My Husband Black Jack
Entry Date: Sunday, August 19, 2007-10:10PM EST

Openly Exposed

Published on August 18, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 2 Comments

If I need to be called out the person forward lights a cigarette. It may take a few minutes but I’ll be there. If Destiny needs to be summoned just talk about certain “issues” and she’ll arrive shortly. It only takes the sight of a sunflower to bring out A.G and her twin sister A.P. The colour red will get you a different alter and the colour green will get you yet another alter. We switch all the time and fortunately for us the only noticeable difference for everyone but A.P. is speech patterns. It is usually difficult to tell the difference between me and Destiny if you’re standing in front of us. This was my theory BEFORE I was corrected. Evidently it’s a little easier to tell the difference between us anymore. I know what brings each of us out but I sure wasn’t aware that the changes were so obvious until the new therapist noted he’s aware of our switches in sessions. I thought I had all that under wraps. I thought I had all that under control, well hidden. The thought, I know me but you don’t was such a comfort. Knowing my DID is a bit more obvious to others is somewhat un-nerving. MacBlue isn’t uncomfortable with the switches he’s just aware of it. But that means I’m less hidden. To me, that means the one world I know best and thought was hidden is now less hidden and exposed. Continue reading ‘Openly Exposed’

Incredibly Hard Session

Published on August 17, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 4 Comments

I’m physically exhausted from being emotionally exhausted. I won’t be up with the sunrise. I’m hitting the sheets early. I can hardly keep my eyes open right now. I did the o’l revolving door thing in therapy and the last to come out was a kid who was really, really upset. I don’t even know who she is. All I know is she’s very upset right now. So much so that in the cab coming home she got out and started walking. We didn’t bring Captain today, should have. Right after she got out of the cab at the light Maureen popped out. We were close to home but we didn’t go. We just kept walking. We walked down the store and then home. I bought a candle holder. I hope my cab driver still picks me up next week. I hope he doesn’t drop me because of this.

I don’t know who the kid is but I know she’s very, very upset and I can feel her really close so I have to stop and go to bed.

MacBlue and I talked about the whole race thing again. We told him we don’t care about that. In his office the rest of the world doesn’t matter. We don’t come to him to talk about race relations. I told I go there cause I need his help. It’s our fault that Blossom stepped out on us cause of our issues with flashback during sex.

this is stupid. i have to sleep now. I’m tired

Austin

Incredibly Hard Session
Friday, August 17, 2007-9:44PM EST