Jumpy

I’ve been all over the map this week. I feel out of control at times, shut down at times and rather lost most of the time.

The therapy office called and told us that we’ll see the new therapist Dr. D the first of next month. I’m not that thrilled about it. Someone inside just said, “What’s wrong now? You’re never satisfied.” They say that not because they personally believe it but to prepare us for what they feel is to come from others who might think we are never satisfied with anything. I talked about that awhile ago, about how sometimes an alter will say or do something to offend the others inside for the purpose of getting their guard up so they don’t get hurt like before. That’s why that alter does that to us. She says offensive stuff like that, calls us names, talks down to us so we get our guard up, so we callus just a bit and protect ourselves from others who might actually vocalize this belief about us. It’s protection her way, still hurts though.

Maureen has been out more than usual, maybe 80% of the time. Being co-conscious lets me see out from behind a light fog where my friends give me the, “Somethings different about you but I can’t quite put my finger on it” look. Shoot, I feel different.

One of the things that I don’t think I’ve talked about much on the blog is how some of the alters have more physical symptoms than others. Maureen has a lot of physical exhaustion and pain relating to the Lupus and Fibromyalgia. She can have a burst of energy but she tires easily which might explain why we’ve spent more time in bed lately. I know we’ve also been very down but physically we’ve been down too. With Maureen at the helm stamina decreases but what we do get done is done well. She’s been on a flower kick again. Part of her name includes the word “flower.” As a matter of fact when drawing pictures of insiders Maureen is depicted as a flower.

I think I miss Aussie hanging around. She’s a younger alter, maybe 15, a bit older than Milwaukee (who is 12 ) definitely not as serious as Milwaukee. Milwaukee is a younger version of Maureen quiet but on paper explodes. Maureen paints with color, Milwaukee with words. Those two are pretty much inseparable like Morton and his little one are.

I try really hard to understand different parts of the system so that I know not just who is who but why they exist, what they exist to do and everything. When one particular alter is forward instead of our front person Joan then the rest of the system can take that as a flag that something isn’t quite right. Maybe this change in dealing with life issues isn’t that bad but it is change, something we’ll have to try and get use to. Instead of always joking about things, performing, putting Joan out there for the world to see, we are actually letting the comedian side slide a bit. We’ve removed the smile when that’s not how we really feel. We really feel jumpy, alarmed easily, open to anxiety, slow in speech and quick to tire.

Although they said we could slum today/yesterday we ended up showering and doing laundry and that. We made a pork chop dinner and never made it back to bed. Of course there was artwork. This is Maureen’s newest flower which started as a bow. I think she could see a flower in just about anything.

Me for Morton’s Pride
September 23, 2007- 6:40AM EST