Monthly Archive for September, 2007Page 2 of 4

Jumpy

Published
by
Austin
on September 23, 2007
in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD
. 2 Comments

I’ve been all over the map this week. I feel out of control at times, shut down at times and rather lost most of the time.

The therapy office called and told us that we’ll see the new therapist Dr. D the first of next month. I’m not that thrilled about it. Someone inside just said, “What’s wrong now? You’re never satisfied.” They say that not because they personally believe it but to prepare us for what they feel is to come from others who might think we are never satisfied with anything. I talked about that awhile ago, about how sometimes an alter will say or do something to offend the others inside for the purpose of getting their guard up so they don’t get hurt like before. That’s why that alter does that to us. She says offensive stuff like that, calls us names, talks down to us so we get our guard up, so we callus just a bit and protect ourselves from others who might actually vocalize this belief about us. It’s protection her way, still hurts though.

Maureen has been out more than usual, maybe 80% of the time. Being co-conscious lets me see out from behind a light fog where my friends give me the, “Somethings different about you but I can’t quite put my finger on it” look. Shoot, I feel different.

One of the things that I don’t think I’ve talked about much on the blog is how some of the alters have more physical symptoms than others. Maureen has a lot of physical exhaustion and pain relating to the Lupus and Fibromyalgia. She can have a burst of energy but she tires easily which might explain why we’ve spent more time in bed lately. I know we’ve also been very down but physically we’ve been down too. With Maureen at the helm stamina decreases but what we do get done is done well. She’s been on a flower kick again. Part of her name includes the word “flower.” As a matter of fact when drawing pictures of insiders Maureen is depicted as a flower.

I think I miss Aussie hanging around. She’s a younger alter, maybe 15, a bit older than Milwaukee (who is 12 ) definitely not as serious as Milwaukee. Milwaukee is a younger version of Maureen quiet but on paper explodes. Maureen paints with color, Milwaukee with words. Those two are pretty much inseparable like Morton and his little one are.

I try really hard to understand different parts of the system so that I know not just who is who but why they exist, what they exist to do and everything. When one particular alter is forward instead of our front person Joan then the rest of the system can take that as a flag that something isn’t quite right. Maybe this change in dealing with life issues isn’t that bad but it is change, something we’ll have to try and get use to. Instead of always joking about things, performing, putting Joan out there for the world to see, we are actually letting the comedian side slide a bit. We’ve removed the smile when that’s not how we really feel. We really feel jumpy, alarmed easily, open to anxiety, slow in speech and quick to tire.

Although they said we could slum today/yesterday we ended up showering and doing laundry and that. We made a pork chop dinner and never made it back to bed. Of course there was artwork. This is Maureen’s newest flower which started as a bow. I think she could see a flower in just about anything.
bow flower

Me for Morton’s Pride
September 23, 2007- 6:40AM EST

Abandon Reason For Today

Published
by
Austin
on September 22, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Soapbox
. 0 Comments

I’m not in the least a happy camper, not with what I discovered on the net the other day. There’s a blatant copyright theft of mine on the net and it’s got my head going in circles. Well, had my head going in circles. All I want to do right now is go to sleep. My basic coping skills say stay up, eat something, take care of yourself, etc but my mind says, no, I’d rather crawl under the covers and abandon all the things I know work in self care. Right now my roommate has a cold of some kind which isn’t great for him or his OCD inflicted roommate. See, I can at this point make his cold a direct assault against me because as I said I’m abandoning all reason today. Continue reading ‘Abandon Reason For Today’

Hard Rain - Dream Therapy

Published
by
JoanofArc
on September 22, 2007
in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD, Segments, Soapbox, Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 0 Comments

The rain was barely noticeable with the force of the wind overshadowing each drop. The shutters shook and the house nearly lost its roof. All night it rained. At sun up I went to check for damage and saw none but what I did see was curious and strange. That’s how it would start off if I were writing a book but this was a dream, a strange and curious dream.

In the dream after the hard rain I went to check for damage but what I saw was every door in the house open and unlocked. I went to check the other buildings on the grounds. The doors to them all stood open, even the garage door had been blown open. I moved through the living room and out the front door which lead to a small porch with yet another door you had to go through to get to the outside. In all there were three doors you had to exit to get outside. I was on my way to the green house and rock garden to close the doors when I noticed that I needed to lock the guest house doors as well. Twelve doors in all needed to be locked but I was getting physically tired so I stopped at nine. Just as a I stopped two people walked up to me saying they were from a Jewish Charity Center looking for people who would participate in an art project they had. I walked with them back up to the main house discussing their business opportunity. The young boy that accompanied the middle age lady was quite, shy almost. He didn’t say anything at all. He let the lady talk. I noticed his shyness right off but didn’t comment on it. The walk back to the main house was a long one so we stopped at the small guest house to rest where we saw Cappy Crunch and a small stray dog waiting for us on the bed. After a short rest we walked back to the main house where we saw two Mormon’s who turned into Jehovah’s Witnesses waiting for me at my door. I told the Jewish people they’d have to go because I really wanted to get a few Watchtowers. They seemed rather irritated about it but said they could wait until the Witnesses left and then we’d talk more about their business deal. I woke up.

Picking back up pretty much where I left off I found myself back in the house with the doors locked but I smelled fire. I went to investigate and saw my plants on fire at the front door. I tried to put them out with baking soda but they just blew up. I left the mess on the floor because I was so tired. I went to take a nap on the sofa but before I saw Captain sitting in my Lazy Boy eating a bowl of cereal with one paw/hand and digging into a jar of pecans and almonds with the other. He also had a PayDay candy bar the size of a brick that he was munching on. I asked him what the heck he was doing and he said he just wanted a snack. I scolded him saying that he was eating a rather expensive snack. You don’t break out a huge bucket size jar of almonds and pecans and eat them like they’re saltine crackers. I was upset because he chose the expensive items to munch on. He apologized and said all we had was dog food in the house and he was tired of that. With much attitude I told him to make a peanut butter sandwich or get a job. He stormed off and made a sandwich. I woke up to the phone ringing. How fitting for it to be my therapists office calling me. This was one wacky dream.

Hard Rain Dream Therapy
Saturday, September 22, 2007-12:39 midnight EST

Hard Rain- Dream Therapy: Commentary

Published
by
JoanofArc
on September 22, 2007
in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 1 Comment

Commentary:

Dream FlowerFirst let me say that I watched Without A Trace last night and they had a man and a young child approach houses saying they were from a religious group. Later the people came back and robbed the house. That might be why there were Jews, Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses in the dream but there may also be a little bit more to it than that.

I thought it was interesting that the doors were open all over the compound and that there were so many doors I had to go through to get to the outside in order to close all the doors.

I rarely dream new things, this dream isn’t entirely new. The house itself isn’t new, the rock garden and the green house aren’t new and neither is Captain turning into a human boy. The accompanying art piece is a flower that was in the yard of the compound/estate.

Fire, rain, wind, religion all in the same dream I think might have to do with the alter that’s been forward quite a bit lately. Maureen has a strong need for spiritual things, the Bible in particular. She has a lot of guilt over the lifestyle that the others lead. Since we are single now and since we stopped smoking two weeks ago she feels more at ease praying or thinking on Bible subjects. The guilt is eased a bit but it’s still there for her. Ya know, MacBlue wasted all that time talking about race and all that crap. He expected me to be uncomfortable with being black. Had he for one second left his own agenda alone we could have spent some time talking about how uncomfortable we are being gay.

Hard Rain Dream Therapy: Commentary
Saturday, September 22, 2007-12:39 midnight EST

Choices For Today and Yesterday

Published
by
Austin
on September 20, 2007
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Soapbox
. 1 Comment

Joan was laughing at him, saying she wanted to see him rot in prison HOWEVER when I saw him walk into the court room in cuffs without a smile on his face it was like looking at “my” grandfather. My attitude changed right then and there. Let’s hope the jurors do not soften their hearts and see dear ol’ grandpa in cuffs and ignore evidence because of it. I look at him in a suit and tie and I know what he is. I know what he’s done, what he did with a great deal of pride. The man wrote a book for crying out loud. So how does all of that go away because he’s in a jumpsuit and looks like a grandfather? I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for anyone who would throw away a good life because they would not use self control. Arrogance and audacity rule that man’s thinking. Why else would he write a book about his crimes? I mean my goodness, who does that? Who gets away with murder then writes a book about it? He pretty much slapped the families in the face by doing that.

There is more to the story than OJ and that’s also where humor dissipates. He’s got kids and he’s got a girlfriend (God help her). What about all they go through watching him humiliate himself and them all over national television? It’s like, how dare you? If you can’t respect yourself and stay out of trouble do it for your kids. And somehow all of that anger went away when I saw him standing there, gray hair showing, stubble on his face….tired. I’m happy I’m not on that jury. I’d have a very hard time looking past the person in front of me. I think I’d miss evidence. I might lose my ability to reason and choose the right thing to do cause I felt sorry for his sociopathic self. I’d probably advocate for him to get mental health care or some other too little too late fix. Strangely enough, I can see myself doing that for a murderer who targeted two adults but you ask me about people like John Couey and I’d tell you I’m willing to push the needle in myself. Again with bringing my own issues to court. I couldn’t sit on that jury or any jury for that matter and separate my personal feelings from real justice. A lot of people want OJ to get a long sentence not because they care if he robbed this hotel or not but because he escaped justice last time. But that’s not justice. Can he be tried for what he did now without being tried for what he got away with before? I doubt it. Is it right that he got away with it? No, it’s not. It’s not right he rubbed it in our faces. But you know what, how many jurors will be able to truthfully say they have not formed an opinion of OJ before they walk in the room? It’s going to be really hard to hear the facts without weighing what he got away with. I’m just saying that he may have an upper hand on this one yet again because it will be hard to get 12 people who can pass the test to be on that jury.

It’s a screwy situation. It’s a sad situation and in my opinion it’s not funny. This guy is likely going to prison and there’s nothing funny about that. Joan laughed but that’s just Joan. She doesn’t mean any harm. I know its her job to be resident comedian. Heck, we’re struggling right now so she’ll most likely be at her comedic best (It’s my mother’s b-day today). Joan may have laughed but I for one find it sad that he could have lived so well but chose not to. He could have lived well and raised his children but he chose not to. He could have been a positive asset to the community but he chose…this. And now here we are watching it all unfold, taking sides according to our personal issues, opinions and beliefs just like the next person. Most of us are willing to say “Put him under the jail.” But some of us look at him and go, “Man, what happened OJ? When was it you decided that being a criminal is better than being a good man? You had everything, why did you toss it so readily?” I guess for OJ I’d have more questions than statements, questions instead of insults. “What on earth is wrong with you?” “Why would you put your children through this?” “What ever happened to the man people use to dream of becoming?” “Why would you toss away everything for nothing ?”

It’s time I went to sleep.

Austin’s August

Thursday, September 20, 2007-6:08AM EST

Flowers: An Inner Conversation

Published
by
Austin
on September 20, 2007
in Art, Dissociative Identity Disorder, General Chatter, Mental Health and Therapy
. 0 Comments

I can’t seem to stay big for the world. I don’t know why I’m switching so much this evening. I was all over the place at the store, just bouncing off the walls. I get back and there’s talk, talk, talk non-stop. At least we did get some artwork done and while there was talking going on we started typing it up. I’ve done it before, typed up inner conversations. In general I’m suppose to turn off comments for entries like this so…no comments please.

—–
Maureen: That felt great. It took several hours to punch out three versions of it but it felt great.
Milwaukee: Are you gonna show Barney?
Maureen: Nah
Milwaukee: Why not?
Maureen: He won’t like it.
Milwaukee: He liked Emerald Sky though.
Maureen: Yeah
Milwaukee: This was hard.
Maureen: Not as bad as usual. We didn’t feel like such a failure punching out flowers today.
Milwaukee: Kinda got ugly for a second though.
Maureen: Not as bad as usual I’d say.
Milwaukee: Yeah. It was okay I guess.
Maureen: Is that a sheepish smile?
Milwaukee: (grin)
Maureen: Why isn’t it okay to be proud of our work?
Milwaukee: I don’t know….it just seems odd that we like a piece we did. Usually we don’t like our own work, kinda how we don’t like our own food.
Milwaukee: Flowers are different though right?
Milwaukee: Somehow, I guess. Yeah, kinda, they are cause we like flowers I think. We like flowers don’t we?
Maureen: I do. I think they’re pretty. And that one lady grows them really well. I like asking her questions.
Milwaukee: I think they’re really pretty. I like how they grow out of the sidewalk and stuff.
Maureen: Cool huh?
Milwaukee: Pretty cool. Can we show it to our new therapist if we get one?
Maureen: I think that would be okay.
Milwaukee: Do you think they’ll call us back tomorrow? Can we call them first thing in the morning when we get up? We called all day today and nobody answered the phone.
Maureen: It kind of worries me, it does.
Milwaukee: I hope they don’t screw us over.
Maureen: Milwaukee!
Milwaukee: Sorry. I hope they don’t tell us to go away because that guy tells them to tell us to go away.
Maureen: If he does, we’ll just find another therapist. They’re a dime a dozen out there is what I say.
Milwaukee: Okay, well, a dime a dozen it is. I’ll take a dozen therapists please.
Maureen: Ha.
—-

I’m not really sure why we type up inner conversations. I mean, others of us read the blog to see what we’ve been up to, to see progress and set backs so I guess to see in black and white what’s been said may be helpful. I write the day, month and time for our personal record keeping. I’m sure it doesn’t really matter to others if we wrote an entry at 2PM EST or 4AM EST. That time stamp is those of us who read the entries later…and it’s OCD. LOL I think one of the reasons they don’t care if I type up what they say is because it lets them get counted and mentioned on the blog. Most of the time Joan and I write, Destiny too but hit and miss or other Pride members. I guess they are okay with me writing down what they say because it’s their way of saying, “Hey don’t forget me. I’m here too so put me on the cyber spot too.” I don’t know but I typed up this particular conversation. I like the interaction between these two. Maureen is about 19 and Milwaukee is twelve years old. Milwaukee writes poetry that we post on the art blog. Her famed piece is She’s Almost A Butterfly and I’d Get Over It. Maureen does most of the flower paintings on the art blog. This is an older piece here called June Pots, the new stuff is on the art blog.

June Pots

Austin
Flowers: An Inner Conversation-Thursday, September 20, 2007-1:42AM EST

My Reality TV Distractions

Published
by
Austin
on September 19, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, General Chatter, Humor, Mental Health, PTSD and Soapbox
. 0 Comments

On an Etsy forum I went on and on about Big Brother and how Dick is this that and the other. Am I really caught up with reality TV shows or is there something else at work here? Do I, like many others, enjoy a good distraction from my everyday life? Yup! That’s why I watch stupid shows with meaningless themes because it’s a distraction. Why else would anyone watch most of the TV shows out there? I mean really, are we looking for some sort of moral guidance, some way to grow by watching Big Brother 8 or by watching Survivor or anything else? We’re looking for a side to take, the good or the bad. We’re looking for something to relate to other than our current situation. I mean come on, is Dick’s life so interesting that we really would choose to spend 3 months with the guy so we can watch his daughter act like a brat or watch him walk around looking strung out? No, but life is a serious struggle and we need a break from it sometimes. So silly TV shows fill in where there is usually upset and stress.

When I talked about Rosie O or Brittany Spears or Queen Ho Paris Hilton I did so with the intension of getting away from my real life. Do I care if Brittany shows her cooter to the world? No, not really. Do I care if Rosie and Donald put on gloves and duke it out? Yes, yes I do. I want front row seat to that one. I want an extra large popcorn and soda. Fifty bucks says Donald goes 3 rounds but Rosie takes him out at the end of the 4th, right at the bell knocks him on his duff. Fifty bucks say Rosie knocks him out! Anyway, my point in all of this is, in general I think people watch silly shows not because they think the show is worthwhile but because life is a struggle and distractions from our own problems are needed. They don’t call it entertainment for nothing but still as humans we will find a connection is these silly shows.

When it comes to Big Brother 8 and Dick I find it rather disconcerting that an arrogant ass took home half a million because America voted for him. Of all the people there he’s the one America got behind. They didn’t like the beauty queens, they didn’t like the crier or the church girl nor did they like the King Geek or that guy Zack. Well, people liked Zack after he got chewed out and humiliated by Dick. Come on people, we see ourselves in them. We see our world in them. Competition between who looks the best, whose shallow and who has their head in the clouds, whose weak and passive and who stands out and says what they think without regard for anyone elses feelings. That’s our world isn’t it? We see ourselves in these people or we see who we would like to be. Yes, it’s entertainment for the purpose of distraction but we still hold onto a little bit of our world while watching. Despite taking our hair down and kicking our shoes off to forget our world for a little while we still form opinions of these characters based on our own experiences. Hopefully we’ve also benefited from down time despite holding onto our real world.

Ultimately when the TV goes off we return to our lives. Having taken a short breather we go back to the daily grind a little bit better able to take on a very uncertain world. That’s what entertainment is supposed to be, a refresher, not a course in morality or a perfectly laid out picture of how the world “really is.” Even still it is difficult to completely separate reality and morality from entertainment. And it is difficult to not form opinions based on our own real world experiences. Because unless you’re wearing someone elses glasses the world will look pretty much the same even when indulging in mindless entertainment.

Austin’s August

My Reality TV Distractions
Wednesday, September 19, 2007-11:45AM EST

A Bit of Wholesome TV Then Violence

Published
by
Austin
on September 19, 2007
in General Chatter, Humor, Soapbox and Stupid People
. 5 Comments

Well, tomorrow is the season premier of Kid Nation. After a bit of good wholesome family entertainment is the season premier of Criminal Minds. Time for some good old fashioned hard core violence with hard core music. (cue hard rock music and head banging “Too late, I’m coming undone, I’m coming undone, too late.” Note to self- get this song off Napster.)

I plan to watch the season premier of CSI. (cue song A Woman’s Work- Oh hooooo, ooooo… note to self- you’ve got this on Napster.)

He's single? No way! Wonder why???I should be ashamed of myself for watching Big Brother 8. I did, I watched the last few and the finale. I can’t believe Dick won. The man lives up to his name with a capital D. He’s a jerk in every sense of the word. I wonder if there’s video of him sniffing coke or something. He’s so dang skinny, oh and the black finger nail polish gross!!! He looked so strung out. And those teeth. Please stop smiling Dick, it’s not attractive. What was with the Sid Vicious jacket? Please, stop. Just stop cause I can’t take it. I think Jessica and Dick’s daughter Danielle were actually competing for top bimbo. Danielle won. The black chick and the her roommate had church as often as they could but the black chick traded her Bible talk for some slang. I was disappointed, made her look kinda bad.

Tell me Eric doesn’t really think he and Jessica are going to get together after the show? He can’t be serious. I mean for real. See, in the show there wasn’t much competition but in the real world he’s back to being a skinny nerd which wouldn’t be that bad if he weren’t a skinny nerd with severe issues and a serious case of dishonesty. I look at him and think, Oh my goodness, what an evil little man. Yuck! Then of course there’s the one chick with the really long hair that laughed at the wrong times and cried at the wrong times. She’s so bipolar it’s not even funny….really, it’s not funny. I felt for the girl. How uncomfortable does she have to get before someone forces her into treatment? For real, she’s got some emotional issues and some chemicals that are in desperate need of pharmaceutical intervention. And who on earth told Zach that all that hair gel was attractive? Come on now Zach, let the gel alone. Just stop, please, it’s time to put the gel down and move forward with your life. Don’t get all pasty and tearful, just let it go. And since I’m talking bad about them all lets go for the black chick’s Bible study partner. The girl almost dehydrated herself crying so much. She cried at every turn. I’ve never seen so many tears….wait, let me take that back. My ex cried more but never did she get a chance to win half a million bucks by out bitching others while holed up with a Lucifer look-alike, an elf, and a few bimbos.

Okay, so tomorrow is Kid Nation followed by betrayal, doubt, suspicion and death. That’s just the update on OJ’s life then comes Criminal Minds. Bring it on!

A Bit of Wholesome TV Then Violence-Wednesday, September 19, 2007

OJ You’re Through!

Published
by
Austin
on September 18, 2007
in General Chatter, Humor and Soapbox
. 2 Comments

The man walked in with no mask or anything and tried to steel his own football memorabilia. Ya know, it’s just sad when you think you are above the law. I mean, we let you off on the double homicide thing cause of your weasel lawyer but he’s gone now. Now you have to get some other team of lawyers and I doubt they can come up with some sort of catch phrase that’ll get you off the hook. OJ you’re SOL. There won’t be a slow car chase caught on film. There won’t be a book deal explaining how if you had committed this robbery this is how you would have done it. Nope, you’re done for. It’s off to prison for you. But think about it, getting robbed by OJ Simpson. The guy that he robbed said it wasn’t the thugs or the guns that took him off guard it was the fact that it was OJ himself. LOL. Can you imagine being robbed by OJ and just like stopping the robbery in progress?

Dude, aren’t you OJ?
Look out he’s gotta knife.
Kids on the playground.-My Dad can beat up your Dad. Oh yeah? Well, my Dad got robbed by OJ.

What gets me is when OJ stalked his ex-wife he would take a plane to her state. Who the hell has that kind of time? I mean damn! That’s a lot of energy, to take a plane to another state to stalk somebody. How can you spend that kind of time stalking somebody? And that kind of money? He’s not that loaded anymore so why spend all that money on somebody you planned to kill anyway? Think about it stupid! I think maybe someone needed to let the past go. I’m just sayin’. He couldn’t let it go ‘cause stalkers are a totally different breed than us half way normal folks. Take the diaper wearing astronaut for instance. She didn’t want to have to stop during her stalking travels. You know, I mentioned this depends stalker to Blossom and she understood why the lady wore a diaper. I hoped Blossom was kidding but she wasn’t. See, only stalkers understand this type of behavior. I just think if you have to put on a depends to travel across the state to stalk somebody there might be some mental health issues in need of checking. Someone isn’t wired right.

We all know OJ isn’t wired right. I mean look at him. He walks with his head up, looks people in the eye and expects us to believe he’s innocent. Oh but OJ is sooo going to jail this time. He may have gotten away with murder but he will not get away with armed robbery. I guess he thought nobody would recognize him…The man is stupid! He is so going to jail. Bow down OJ, your time has come! Your well had run dry, no juice is in your cup. It’s time to trade the stolen jersey for an orange jump suit. Loser! You no good murdering, robbing loser. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.  Somebody give that man a bowl of recalled Dole lettuce with a use by date of September 19th, 2007.

Robert for The Pride
OJ You’re Through!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007-2:20AM EST

Confidence

Published
by
Austin
on September 17, 2007
in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD
. 6 Comments

Just go for it! Put it up there and see what response you get. WOW! It is so hard to put yourself out in the public eye knowing someone just might see every flaw you’ve ever made or thought you made. I like the picture Rising Sun so why was it so hard to post it for sale on Etsy? If it sells it sells, if it doesn’t it doesn’t right?

My confidence is low when it comes to my artwork for sale. For the last month I’ve sold nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It kinda hurt my confidence level. But that’s business right? Ups and downs, slow times and times when I can’t keep up with orders. (Oh how I wish for more times when I can’t keep up with orders.) So I’m trying to give myself a pep talk, tell myself it’s not the end of the world if no one buys my stuff. People are looking at it. They do see it. Not purchasing it isn’t a form of rejection. How do I know they’re not as broke as I am? How do I know the only reason they don’t click that little “add to cart” button is because they’re one dime away from destitute?

EmbraceIt’ll happen right? Some Donald Trump will come along and order a bunch of stuff…okay, wake up Austin, wake up. All I hope for is two sales per month. I’d be so happy. I don’t need Donald. I’ll settle for Joe Blow. (Do I have to resort to begging, cause I will? No, no I won’t. With the shape my body is in I’ll never get up off my knees. Did I mention that I’m a poor decrepit widow with 12 children and a house shoe payment?) My main issue is lack of confidence. I have stuff to sell. I have paintings to put up but I look at them and think, “No one is going to want that if they see this right here.” I walk away upset, ready to put down my painters hat forever.

Why am I willing to throw away my artwork because one person might think it sucks? I struggle with the belief that I’m not a real artist. I keep going back and forth with this. I think the way I see myself is the way I expect others to see me. If I don’t see myself as a legit artist because I paint digitally then how can I expect others to think of me as a legit artist? And if I’m so easily swayed by what others think then how can anyone have confidence in me or my work?

And why does it matter to me so much if a stranger buys the art as opposed to a friend. It matters because there are no strings attached. They buy it because they like it, not because they think I need the money or because they want to encourage me. (Don’t get me wrong, I accept charity purchases. Did I mention my poor crippled little girl needs a new shoe? She only has one leg so only one shoe is needed. Won’t you open your heart to her?) A stranger purchasing my artwork comes with no motives other than “I like this so I’m going to purchase it.” They buy it because they think it’s a worthy piece. STOP! I feel that if a stranger buys it then my work is worthy therefore I’m worthy. Girl, get a grip. I can not base my self image on who buys what piece of artwork. No one purchased it therefore I’m worthless. No one purchased anything therefore I’m not a real artist. I’ve drawn such lines between worthy and unworthy. Stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Low self esteem is a huge stumbling block. It can trip you up and prevent positive experiences. It can keep you from actually being built up because you find yourself too worthless to accept praise. I shake my head while typing that because it’s like, “What do I actually deserve? What if they find out I’m a fake?” But come on, really, what’s fake about my art? There’s nothing fake about it. There’s no ghost program guiding my mouse putting this or that image together in a matter of minutes then calling it art by F. Magdalene. There’s nothing fake about it. It’s me I fear they’ll see. I fear they’ll see the real me, the one I find disgusting and dirty and worthless. That’s the image I fear comes across on each painting. I think everyone can see it. I want to apologize for it, for putting others in a position of having to see it then turn around and hide. Argh, feeling dirty….it gives me the shivers. But that is the main reason for my lack of confidence. They don’t buy it because they know its trash, they know I’m trash. Or they buy it therefore I’m not trash. Oh gracious! I guess I need to remember that a purchase doesn’t validate my existence and experiences. The lack of purchases does not negate my experiences nor does it prove worthlessness. Being worthy isn’t so black and white as I make it out to be. I gotta remember that.

Confidence
Monday, September 17, 2007-3:12PM EST