Monthly Archive for September, 2007

Page 3 of 5

Choices For Today and Yesterday

Published on September 20, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Soapbox. 1 Comment

Joan was laughing at him, saying she wanted to see him rot in prison HOWEVER when I saw him walk into the court room in cuffs without a smile on his face it was like looking at “my” grandfather. My attitude changed right then and there. Let’s hope the jurors do not soften their hearts and see dear ol’ grandpa in cuffs and ignore evidence because of it. I look at him in a suit and tie and I know what he is. I know what he’s done, what he did with a great deal of pride. The man wrote a book for crying out loud. So how does all of that go away because he’s in a jumpsuit and looks like a grandfather? I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for anyone who would throw away a good life because they would not use self control. Arrogance and audacity rule that man’s thinking. Why else would he write a book about his crimes? I mean my goodness, who does that? Who gets away with murder then writes a book about it? He pretty much slapped the families in the face by doing that.

There is more to the story than OJ and that’s also where humor dissipates. He’s got kids and he’s got a girlfriend (God help her). What about all they go through watching him humiliate himself and them all over national television? It’s like, how dare you? If you can’t respect yourself and stay out of trouble do it for your kids. And somehow all of that anger went away when I saw him standing there, gray hair showing, stubble on his face….tired. I’m happy I’m not on that jury. I’d have a very hard time looking past the person in front of me. I think I’d miss evidence. I might lose my ability to reason and choose the right thing to do cause I felt sorry for his sociopathic self. I’d probably advocate for him to get mental health care or some other too little too late fix. Strangely enough, I can see myself doing that for a murderer who targeted two adults but you ask me about people like John Couey and I’d tell you I’m willing to push the needle in myself. Again with bringing my own issues to court. I couldn’t sit on that jury or any jury for that matter and separate my personal feelings from real justice. A lot of people want OJ to get a long sentence not because they care if he robbed this hotel or not but because he escaped justice last time. But that’s not justice. Can he be tried for what he did now without being tried for what he got away with before? I doubt it. Is it right that he got away with it? No, it’s not. It’s not right he rubbed it in our faces. But you know what, how many jurors will be able to truthfully say they have not formed an opinion of OJ before they walk in the room? It’s going to be really hard to hear the facts without weighing what he got away with. I’m just saying that he may have an upper hand on this one yet again because it will be hard to get 12 people who can pass the test to be on that jury.

It’s a screwy situation. It’s a sad situation and in my opinion it’s not funny. This guy is likely going to prison and there’s nothing funny about that. Joan laughed but that’s just Joan. She doesn’t mean any harm. I know its her job to be resident comedian. Heck, we’re struggling right now so she’ll most likely be at her comedic best (It’s my mother’s b-day today). Joan may have laughed but I for one find it sad that he could have lived so well but chose not to. He could have lived well and raised his children but he chose not to. He could have been a positive asset to the community but he chose…this. And now here we are watching it all unfold, taking sides according to our personal issues, opinions and beliefs just like the next person. Most of us are willing to say “Put him under the jail.” But some of us look at him and go, “Man, what happened OJ? When was it you decided that being a criminal is better than being a good man? You had everything, why did you toss it so readily?” I guess for OJ I’d have more questions than statements, questions instead of insults. “What on earth is wrong with you?” “Why would you put your children through this?” “What ever happened to the man people use to dream of becoming?” “Why would you toss away everything for nothing ?”

It’s time I went to sleep.

Austin’s August

Thursday, September 20, 2007-6:08AM EST

Flowers: An Inner Conversation

Published on September 20, 2007 in Art, Dissociative Identity Disorder, For the Record, Mental Health and Therapy. 0 Comments

I can’t seem to stay big for the world. I don’t know why I’m switching so much this evening. I was all over the place at the store, just bouncing off the walls. I get back and there’s talk, talk, talk non-stop. At least we did get some artwork done and while there was talking going on we started typing it up. I’ve done it before, typed up inner conversations. In general I’m suppose to turn off comments for entries like this so…no comments please.

—–
Maureen: That felt great. It took several hours to punch out three versions of it but it felt great.
Milwaukee: Are you gonna show Barney?
Maureen: Nah
Milwaukee: Why not?
Maureen: He won’t like it.
Milwaukee: He liked Emerald Sky though.
Maureen: Yeah
Milwaukee: This was hard.
Maureen: Not as bad as usual. We didn’t feel like such a failure punching out flowers today.
Milwaukee: Kinda got ugly for a second though.
Maureen: Not as bad as usual I’d say.
Milwaukee: Yeah. It was okay I guess.
Maureen: Is that a sheepish smile?
Milwaukee: (grin)
Maureen: Why isn’t it okay to be proud of our work?
Milwaukee: I don’t know….it just seems odd that we like a piece we did. Usually we don’t like our own work, kinda how we don’t like our own food.
Milwaukee: Flowers are different though right?
Milwaukee: Somehow, I guess. Yeah, kinda, they are cause we like flowers I think. We like flowers don’t we?
Maureen: I do. I think they’re pretty. And that one lady grows them really well. I like asking her questions.
Milwaukee: I think they’re really pretty. I like how they grow out of the sidewalk and stuff.
Maureen: Cool huh?
Milwaukee: Pretty cool. Can we show it to our new therapist if we get one?
Maureen: I think that would be okay.
Milwaukee: Do you think they’ll call us back tomorrow? Can we call them first thing in the morning when we get up? We called all day today and nobody answered the phone.
Maureen: It kind of worries me, it does.
Milwaukee: I hope they don’t screw us over.
Maureen: Milwaukee!
Milwaukee: Sorry. I hope they don’t tell us to go away because that guy tells them to tell us to go away.
Maureen: If he does, we’ll just find another therapist. They’re a dime a dozen out there is what I say.
Milwaukee: Okay, well, a dime a dozen it is. I’ll take a dozen therapists please.
Maureen: Ha.
—-

I’m not really sure why we type up inner conversations. I mean, others of us read the blog to see what we’ve been up to, to see progress and set backs so I guess to see in black and white what’s been said may be helpful. I write the day, month and time for our personal record keeping. I’m sure it doesn’t really matter to others if we wrote an entry at 2PM EST or 4AM EST. That time stamp is those of us who read the entries later…and it’s OCD. LOL I think one of the reasons they don’t care if I type up what they say is because it lets them get counted and mentioned on the blog. Most of the time Joan and I write, Destiny too but hit and miss or other Pride members. I guess they are okay with me writing down what they say because it’s their way of saying, “Hey don’t forget me. I’m here too so put me on the cyber spot too.” I don’t know but I typed up this particular conversation. I like the interaction between these two. Maureen is about 19 and Milwaukee is twelve years old. Milwaukee writes poetry that we post on the art blog. Her famed piece is She’s Almost A Butterfly and I’d Get Over It. Maureen does most of the flower paintings on the art blog. This is an older piece here called June Pots, the new stuff is on the art blog.

June Pots

Austin
Flowers: An Inner Conversation-Thursday, September 20, 2007-1:42AM EST

My Reality TV Distractions

Published on September 19, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Humor, Mental Health, PTSD and Soapbox. 0 Comments

On an Etsy forum I went on and on about Big Brother and how Dick is this that and the other. Am I really caught up with reality TV shows or is there something else at work here? Do I, like many others, enjoy a good distraction from my everyday life? Yup! That’s why I watch stupid shows with meaningless themes because it’s a distraction. Why else would anyone watch most of the TV shows out there? I mean really, are we looking for some sort of moral guidance, some way to grow by watching Big Brother 8 or by watching Survivor or anything else? We’re looking for a side to take, the good or the bad. We’re looking for something to relate to other than our current situation. I mean come on, is Dick’s life so interesting that we really would choose to spend 3 months with the guy so we can watch his daughter act like a brat or watch him walk around looking strung out? No, but life is a serious struggle and we need a break from it sometimes. So silly TV shows fill in where there is usually upset and stress.

When I talked about Rosie O or Brittany Spears or Queen Ho Paris Hilton I did so with the intension of getting away from my real life. Do I care if Brittany shows her cooter to the world? No, not really. Do I care if Rosie and Donald put on gloves and duke it out? Yes, yes I do. I want front row seat to that one. I want an extra large popcorn and soda. Fifty bucks says Donald goes 3 rounds but Rosie takes him out at the end of the 4th, right at the bell knocks him on his duff. Fifty bucks say Rosie knocks him out! Anyway, my point in all of this is, in general I think people watch silly shows not because they think the show is worthwhile but because life is a struggle and distractions from our own problems are needed. They don’t call it entertainment for nothing but still as humans we will find a connection is these silly shows.

When it comes to Big Brother 8 and Dick I find it rather disconcerting that an arrogant ass took home half a million because America voted for him. Of all the people there he’s the one America got behind. They didn’t like the beauty queens, they didn’t like the crier or the church girl nor did they like the King Geek or that guy Zack. Well, people liked Zack after he got chewed out and humiliated by Dick. Come on people, we see ourselves in them. We see our world in them. Competition between who looks the best, whose shallow and who has their head in the clouds, whose weak and passive and who stands out and says what they think without regard for anyone elses feelings. That’s our world isn’t it? We see ourselves in these people or we see who we would like to be. Yes, it’s entertainment for the purpose of distraction but we still hold onto a little bit of our world while watching. Despite taking our hair down and kicking our shoes off to forget our world for a little while we still form opinions of these characters based on our own experiences. Hopefully we’ve also benefited from down time despite holding onto our real world.

Ultimately when the TV goes off we return to our lives. Having taken a short breather we go back to the daily grind a little bit better able to take on a very uncertain world. That’s what entertainment is supposed to be, a refresher, not a course in morality or a perfectly laid out picture of how the world “really is.” Even still it is difficult to completely separate reality and morality from entertainment. And it is difficult to not form opinions based on our own real world experiences. Because unless you’re wearing someone elses glasses the world will look pretty much the same even when indulging in mindless entertainment.

Austin’s August

My Reality TV Distractions
Wednesday, September 19, 2007-11:45AM EST

A Bit of Wholesome TV Then Violence

Published on September 19, 2007 in For the Record, Humor, Soapbox and Stupid People. 5 Comments

Well, tomorrow is the season premier of Kid Nation. After a bit of good wholesome family entertainment is the season premier of Criminal Minds. Time for some good old fashioned hard core violence with hard core music. (cue hard rock music and head banging “Too late, I’m coming undone, I’m coming undone, too late.” Note to self- get this song off Napster.)

I plan to watch the season premier of CSI. (cue song A Woman’s Work- Oh hooooo, ooooo… note to self- you’ve got this on Napster.)

He's single? No way! Wonder why???I should be ashamed of myself for watching Big Brother 8. I did, I watched the last few and the finale. I can’t believe Dick won. The man lives up to his name with a capital D. He’s a jerk in every sense of the word. I wonder if there’s video of him sniffing coke or something. He’s so dang skinny, oh and the black finger nail polish gross!!! He looked so strung out. And those teeth. Please stop smiling Dick, it’s not attractive. What was with the Sid Vicious jacket? Please, stop. Just stop cause I can’t take it. I think Jessica and Dick’s daughter Danielle were actually competing for top bimbo. Danielle won. The black chick and the her roommate had church as often as they could but the black chick traded her Bible talk for some slang. I was disappointed, made her look kinda bad.

Tell me Eric doesn’t really think he and Jessica are going to get together after the show? He can’t be serious. I mean for real. See, in the show there wasn’t much competition but in the real world he’s back to being a skinny nerd which wouldn’t be that bad if he weren’t a skinny nerd with severe issues and a serious case of dishonesty. I look at him and think, Oh my goodness, what an evil little man. Yuck! Then of course there’s the one chick with the really long hair that laughed at the wrong times and cried at the wrong times. She’s so bipolar it’s not even funny….really, it’s not funny. I felt for the girl. How uncomfortable does she have to get before someone forces her into treatment? For real, she’s got some emotional issues and some chemicals that are in desperate need of pharmaceutical intervention. And who on earth told Zach that all that hair gel was attractive? Come on now Zach, let the gel alone. Just stop, please, it’s time to put the gel down and move forward with your life. Don’t get all pasty and tearful, just let it go. And since I’m talking bad about them all lets go for the black chick’s Bible study partner. The girl almost dehydrated herself crying so much. She cried at every turn. I’ve never seen so many tears….wait, let me take that back. My ex cried more but never did she get a chance to win half a million bucks by out bitching others while holed up with a Lucifer look-alike, an elf, and a few bimbos.

Okay, so tomorrow is Kid Nation followed by betrayal, doubt, suspicion and death. That’s just the update on OJ’s life then comes Criminal Minds. Bring it on!

A Bit of Wholesome TV Then Violence-Wednesday, September 19, 2007

OJ You’re Through!

Published on September 18, 2007 in For the Record, Humor and Soapbox. 2 Comments

The man walked in with no mask or anything and tried to steel his own football memorabilia. Ya know, it’s just sad when you think you are above the law. I mean, we let you off on the double homicide thing cause of your weasel lawyer but he’s gone now. Now you have to get some other team of lawyers and I doubt they can come up with some sort of catch phrase that’ll get you off the hook. OJ you’re SOL. There won’t be a slow car chase caught on film. There won’t be a book deal explaining how if you had committed this robbery this is how you would have done it. Nope, you’re done for. It’s off to prison for you. But think about it, getting robbed by OJ Simpson. The guy that he robbed said it wasn’t the thugs or the guns that took him off guard it was the fact that it was OJ himself. LOL. Can you imagine being robbed by OJ and just like stopping the robbery in progress?

Dude, aren’t you OJ?
Look out he’s gotta knife.
Kids on the playground.-My Dad can beat up your Dad. Oh yeah? Well, my Dad got robbed by OJ.

What gets me is when OJ stalked his ex-wife he would take a plane to her state. Who the hell has that kind of time? I mean damn! That’s a lot of energy, to take a plane to another state to stalk somebody. How can you spend that kind of time stalking somebody? And that kind of money? He’s not that loaded anymore so why spend all that money on somebody you planned to kill anyway? Think about it stupid! I think maybe someone needed to let the past go. I’m just sayin’. He couldn’t let it go ‘cause stalkers are a totally different breed than us half way normal folks. Take the diaper wearing astronaut for instance. She didn’t want to have to stop during her stalking travels. You know, I mentioned this depends stalker to Blossom and she understood why the lady wore a diaper. I hoped Blossom was kidding but she wasn’t. See, only stalkers understand this type of behavior. I just think if you have to put on a depends to travel across the state to stalk somebody there might be some mental health issues in need of checking. Someone isn’t wired right.

We all know OJ isn’t wired right. I mean look at him. He walks with his head up, looks people in the eye and expects us to believe he’s innocent. Oh but OJ is sooo going to jail this time. He may have gotten away with murder but he will not get away with armed robbery. I guess he thought nobody would recognize him…The man is stupid! He is so going to jail. Bow down OJ, your time has come! Your well had run dry, no juice is in your cup. It’s time to trade the stolen jersey for an orange jump suit. Loser! You no good murdering, robbing loser. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.  Somebody give that man a bowl of recalled Dole lettuce with a use by date of September 19th, 2007.

Robert for The Pride
OJ You’re Through!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007-2:20AM EST

Confidence

Published on September 17, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD. 6 Comments

Just go for it! Put it up there and see what response you get. WOW! It is so hard to put yourself out in the public eye knowing someone just might see every flaw you’ve ever made or thought you made. I like the picture Rising Sun so why was it so hard to post it for sale on Etsy? If it sells it sells, if it doesn’t it doesn’t right?

My confidence is low when it comes to my artwork for sale. For the last month I’ve sold nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It kinda hurt my confidence level. But that’s business right? Ups and downs, slow times and times when I can’t keep up with orders. (Oh how I wish for more times when I can’t keep up with orders.) So I’m trying to give myself a pep talk, tell myself it’s not the end of the world if no one buys my stuff. People are looking at it. They do see it. Not purchasing it isn’t a form of rejection. How do I know they’re not as broke as I am? How do I know the only reason they don’t click that little “add to cart” button is because they’re one dime away from destitute?

EmbraceIt’ll happen right? Some Donald Trump will come along and order a bunch of stuff…okay, wake up Austin, wake up. All I hope for is two sales per month. I’d be so happy. I don’t need Donald. I’ll settle for Joe Blow. (Do I have to resort to begging, cause I will? No, no I won’t. With the shape my body is in I’ll never get up off my knees. Did I mention that I’m a poor decrepit widow with 12 children and a house shoe payment?) My main issue is lack of confidence. I have stuff to sell. I have paintings to put up but I look at them and think, “No one is going to want that if they see this right here.” I walk away upset, ready to put down my painters hat forever.

Why am I willing to throw away my artwork because one person might think it sucks? I struggle with the belief that I’m not a real artist. I keep going back and forth with this. I think the way I see myself is the way I expect others to see me. If I don’t see myself as a legit artist because I paint digitally then how can I expect others to think of me as a legit artist? And if I’m so easily swayed by what others think then how can anyone have confidence in me or my work?

And why does it matter to me so much if a stranger buys the art as opposed to a friend. It matters because there are no strings attached. They buy it because they like it, not because they think I need the money or because they want to encourage me. (Don’t get me wrong, I accept charity purchases. Did I mention my poor crippled little girl needs a new shoe? She only has one leg so only one shoe is needed. Won’t you open your heart to her?) A stranger purchasing my artwork comes with no motives other than “I like this so I’m going to purchase it.” They buy it because they think it’s a worthy piece. STOP! I feel that if a stranger buys it then my work is worthy therefore I’m worthy. Girl, get a grip. I can not base my self image on who buys what piece of artwork. No one purchased it therefore I’m worthless. No one purchased anything therefore I’m not a real artist. I’ve drawn such lines between worthy and unworthy. Stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Low self esteem is a huge stumbling block. It can trip you up and prevent positive experiences. It can keep you from actually being built up because you find yourself too worthless to accept praise. I shake my head while typing that because it’s like, “What do I actually deserve? What if they find out I’m a fake?” But come on, really, what’s fake about my art? There’s nothing fake about it. There’s no ghost program guiding my mouse putting this or that image together in a matter of minutes then calling it art by F. Magdalene. There’s nothing fake about it. It’s me I fear they’ll see. I fear they’ll see the real me, the one I find disgusting and dirty and worthless. That’s the image I fear comes across on each painting. I think everyone can see it. I want to apologize for it, for putting others in a position of having to see it then turn around and hide. Argh, feeling dirty….it gives me the shivers. But that is the main reason for my lack of confidence. They don’t buy it because they know its trash, they know I’m trash. Or they buy it therefore I’m not trash. Oh gracious! I guess I need to remember that a purchase doesn’t validate my existence and experiences. The lack of purchases does not negate my experiences nor does it prove worthlessness. Being worthy isn’t so black and white as I make it out to be. I gotta remember that.

Confidence
Monday, September 17, 2007-3:12PM EST

Chilly and Furry

Published on September 15, 2007 in For the Record and Pets. 9 Comments

The weather man was not playing when he said it would be chilly this week end. I may get in a fire tonight. Yeah!!!! It’s time for some oatmeal and coffee and a return to the nice warm bed. I got my covers back two days ago I think. I still need to talk to everyone about why they were all taken and hidden but that’ll have to be a bit later. I can’t believe I can hear the wind outside. I wonder if we’ll have a real winter this year? I can’t say I want a hard winter cause it’s hard on me and Cappy too but the ground certainly needs a lengthy deep freeze. I actually had to bring in my plants last night it got so cold. Cappy, the girls and I were huddled on the bed keeping each other warm. I could have turned on a heater or something but it wasn’t that bad, besides, it was fun cuddling with everyone. Cappy was at my side, Bella was on my head (literally) and Gracie was at my other side. Now why would I go disturb that arrangement by turning on a heater?

Well, it’s oatmeal time. My body might not be better but my mood certainly is. I hope to update again tomorrow.

Austin