Lady: I’m coming to you broken. I put up a shield because I just don’t want to be hurt.
Me: You nearly drove me away.
Lady: Yeah, I know.
Me: Good thing I picked up the phone. I started not to.
I wonder if anyone else has straight out said something like that to a person of interest. She came at me hard, strong and stupid for the purpose of making sure I wasn’t going to hurt her. I told her I neither want to be a protector nor a victim, I just want to be. She’s afraid I’ll make fun of her, make fun of the way she speaks. She’s afraid I’ll tell her she talks like a white girl. Sheshhh, ya know how many people have said that to me? I resent it. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel self conscious. My interests don’t follow a stereotype. I don’t fall into the stereotype of this or that. Not as a woman, not as an African-American, not as anything and I resent being teased for not falling into those stereotypes. She wonders if she’s good enough to have sex with but not good enough to love and be cared for. Are you looking for friendship or are you looking for love I said, cause I can only give you one of those. I can give you friendship.
I like the idea of casual dating, of a dinner here and there, of hanging out at coffee shops, half price book stores and low key places like that. Despite liking the idea of casually dating if I date the same person casually it can lead to a relationship or imply to both parties that there’s more to it than there can ever be. I wonder if she heard me when I said this. I can’t give her anything other than friendship. I simply can’t cause I come to the table with a smorgasbord of PTSD issues. I come to her broken as well. It was an interesting conversation to say the least.
One way PTSD has served me well is that I see everything. I notice how people react to what I say and what others say. I notice when they shut down. I notice small actions that others might overlook. Hyper vigilance isn’t always bad. I hear every word people say. I listen to voice inflection. I notice when they lose eye contact with me and when their eye contact is un-naturally intense. I notice when a person’s posture changes, when they’re eyes lift or lower during conversation. I notice small changes in the way they hold their mouth. I notice it all. It lets me know a lot more about the person than they may want to reveal. It can be un-nerving for them if I mention that I notice this stuff so I usually don’t bring it up. It’s not like I’m looking at them to see what they’re feeling. I just notice.
Even while I pick up small changes in body language and tone of voice I’m still aware of every movement in the room. It’s like listening to three or four different radio stations at the same time. Doing that too much can make you feel rather crazy but like most PTSD symptoms it’s not something you can just turn off. That’s when hyper vigilance isn’t helpful. It can get kinda overwhelming for me when I see and hear everything at once. I know why I do it. Many survivors have issues with hyper vigilance. I think it has to do with the survivor needing to know their surroundings so they can act on behalf of their safety. I did that with the mother. I knew where she was at all times. I watched her mood so I could change with it OR be ready for the actions that routinely followed her changes. It’s funny cause I could tell by how hard she hit if she was mad at me or someone else. She hit harder when she was mad at me. I felt better about it when she wasn’t mad at me. It made the abuse less personal I reasoned. Paying attention to the details, to small changes seemed like the perfect way to stay one step ahead of her. For the most part I hate hyper vigilance but I can see in other areas where it’s benefited me.
I’m not a bar hopper she said. I don’t take drugs and I don’t drink. Despite my out going mask I’m just as scared of life as the next person. I come to her broken too but I also come armed with knowledge. I know a relationship isn’t possible now or in the near future. There is no statement of maybe down the line we can get together. Nothing has been left open in that regard. Hanging out in platonic settings, non-romantic settings is all I can do. I like the idea of casual dating but casual dating doesn’t like me.
It’s time for an inner meeting so that everyone in Morton’s Pride is on the same page. We understand we have a need for a relationship but we also have too many issues. I can’t choose a good partner when I haven’t changed what it is about me that causes me to choose the wrong girls.
I can’t possibly choose a good partner right now, not while I’m in the middle of grieving the last one.
Austin’s August
I Come To You Broken
Wednesday, October 03, 2007-11:30PM EST
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