I wonder if now that Holiday knows about this blog and about us if our friendship will change? She’s another friend I didn’t tell about the DID. I also didn’t tell Lady about it or Psycho Date chick. It’s easier to tell someone I’m a survivor because the vast majority of women this day and age are, more men are coming forward as well. Heck, I’m okay with 3-D people knowing most things about me. I’m open about the OCD. I don’t hesitate to tell people they can’t use my restroom. I told Holiday last night that I wouldn’t be able to call her today because it’s a therapy day and I’ll most likely be messed up. Her sweet reply? “I’ll be your therapist.” I appreciate it when friends step up like that but it scares the crap out of me when they walk into my mind, my blog. These are people I have to look at, people that are going to know I barely make it through each day. I think she understand depression. I think she understands being lonely and many other issues I have but worry she’ll be afraid of the DID thing. Will she make fun of me with that age old joke, “Which one of you did that?” followed by laughter? Will I be the butt of too many jokes? This worries me now. And truthfully, since I know she’s reading I can go ahead and say this. Now you know. I hadn’t planned on telling you because many times telling has gone badly for me. I don’t appreciate the jokes about going Sybil or “Three Eve”. I don’t appreciate being handled with kid gloves. I’d like for nothing at all to change but I tell ya, I worry it will. Maybe you realized when we first met there was something a little “different” about me. Maybe like UK you picked up the multiple personality disorder and I don’t hide it as well as I use to. I hope that switching while dancing with Sis wasn’t offensive.
I don’t mind questions at all. As a matter of fact a blogger buddy asked me yesterday if the reason my plants are still alive is because a different one of me is caring for them. I wasn’t offended in the least. I’ve been asked all kinds of questions about DID/MPD and hardly ever have I been offended. What offends me is when I’m made into a joke or a sideshow. So, now that you know, has anything changed? I figure if you know Sis knows and I suppose that’s okay. Since you know Psycho Date Chick will she know too? Gracious, I worry my secret will be all over town. It’s so much easier to be in the closet with this in my real life but open and honest on the net. The people on the net look for journals like this because they can relate to it. People in my life, well, they stumble on it and they get to look me in the eye and see the words come to life. I’d rather they see and not understand than to see and have the words DID and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reason is rejection, fear of the unknown and of course mocking.
My concern is now you know I’m somewhat fucked up. I can laugh and joke with you guys but I worry in the back of your mind you’ll ask yourself, “Who am I talking to.” I worry that our conversations will always be about DID and how it feels to live like this. I fear things will change from having fun, talking, growing as friends to talking about DID all the time. I worry that now you know unanswered questions will lead to incorrectly drawn conclusions. I worry there is no balance between focusing on the DID and having a friendship that I hoped would be about more than my mental illness. Clearly, I’m worried. I’ll call ya. It may be therapy day but I’ll call ya. I had to blog my thoughts out first though. Oh, and you’ve probably noticed I don’t use your real name. I won’t. I’m open on the net about my stuff but I don’t put other people’s stuff on the net.
Austin
Now That She Knows
Monday, October 15, 2007-5:15PM EST
This is open for comments. I know there are some that know my fear of coming out as DID. Feel free to comment if you’d like.
Austin
Your concerns are exactly what caused me to drag my feet over a year ago about telling those close to me about my DID. It went better than expected; there were some DID jokes, of course. I think it comes with the territory. It doesn’t bother me too much as long as it’s not constant, and the jokes are spoken in a friendly manner.
I’m curious as to how Holiday even knew to look you up on the net. Did she know you had a blog?
This is a big step for you–coming out to some of your 3D friends–though you didn’t choose it. Maybe it was meant to be. All I know is that you are more than your DID, you’re not a joke, and I believe you’ll get through this okay.
(Oh, and I’m glad you had some fun for a change!)
I can relate to the fear of coming out in the open. There are very few people that know my real name and read my blog. Only two (one is my T) who actually have met me in real life and read my blog. I will talk about the SI some - but the blog is too personal. And there will always be jokes. This weekend someone accidentally burned themselves and another person joked about “moving from cutting to burning.” I tend to believe the jokes are more about their insecurity than about us.
I am glad to see you are stepping out of your comfort zone and talking to real life people (I love the “3-D” label). And that you had some fun! Yeah.
Unfortunetly Holiday doesn’t call anymore. She wasn’t able to handle the DID I guess. We talked all the time *until*. And ya wonder why I don’t talk about it in 3-D life. It’s wrong. I was okay, fun and nice to talk to *until*. It’s just wrong, so very wrong.
Me