16 « October « 2007 « The People Behind My Eyes

I wonder if one reason siblings of abuse struggle with one another in adulthood is because they witnessed each other being abused. They witness each others reactions. As adults we struggle with our own reactions or lack of reaction. It’s even harder to look someone in the eye who saw you hurt so badly. Heck, do prisoners of war hang with each other, hang with people that saw them scream and beg? It’s humiliating to know someone saw how humiliated you were. I wonder if this is one reason why siblings of abuse struggle to have a relationship in adulthood.

I watched my sister jump up and down screaming, crying, mouth open feeling every bit of pain my mother offered. That image is haunting and I wasn’t the one feeling the pain of it. How hard it must be for my sister to look me in the eye knowing I know. What I struggle with is anger at her for laying down and taking it. Heck, I laid down and took it. I didn’t leave home until I was twenty. I was still being abused at twenty. How humiliating is that? I think part of my anger at her is anger with myself that I couldn’t help her. Anger at myself that sometimes I was relieved that it was her and not me and now she’s screaming and begging instead of me and I found that sickeningly comforting. Continue reading ‘Siblings With Abusive Parents’

I always thought depression was sadness over a long period of time. I thought it meant sadness at a certain high level that stays for what seems like an eternity and doesn’t get any better. My experience has been an even level of depression, high but even. While reading the book I Can’t Get Over It I found out that there’s a difference between depression over a long period of time and depression over a long period of time that grows in intensity. It’d not depression that stands still, it increases and continues to tear its victim down. I would say my personal depression stays the same. It doesn’t grow. It’s the same nagging depression which leads me to believe that I’m stuck in grief. I’ll have to continue to read this chapter for more. But right now I think I’ve not been able to grieve over much at all and I may be stuck in that particular phase. Continue reading ‘Depression – I Can’t Get Over It’