I always thought depression was sadness over a long period of time. I thought it meant sadness at a certain high level that stays for what seems like an eternity and doesn’t get any better. My experience has been an even level of depression, high but even. While reading the book I Can’t Get Over It I found out that there’s a difference between depression over a long period of time and depression over a long period of time that grows in intensity. It’d not depression that stands still, it increases and continues to tear its victim down. I would say my personal depression stays the same. It doesn’t grow. It’s the same nagging depression which leads me to believe that I’m stuck in grief. I’ll have to continue to read this chapter for more. But right now I think I’ve not been able to grieve over much at all and I may be stuck in that particular phase.
I also was given a better understanding of how many people are overtaken by depression. The book explained that with depression comes fear. Those that are clinically depressed fear things won’t change, they’re afraid of their decreased ability to function. This leads to low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Since the world rewards and looks proudly on those with high self esteem those who don’t have it try to hide it. A symptom of depression is low self esteem; we try to hide that symptom as well as other symptoms because to the rest of the world we may appear weak. Nobody wants to appear weak amongst their peers. Nobody wants to be stigmatized but more than that, no one wants to be depressed. It’s lonely hiding. It’s lonely feeling this because when people know you’re depressed they pull back. They worry about overwhelming you with their own stuff so they pull back then there you are alone. Or, we don’t have the opportunity to talk things out and there we are alone with depression. Lonely and depression are bed fellows that need to be broken up.
In this chapter it talked about learned helplessness. There was a study in conducted 1975 by a guy named Seligman (that truly disgusts me) who discovered something called learned helplessness. It seems animals were shocked and given no way to escape. After a period of being shocked they were taught how to press a lever to stop the shock. Even when given a way out or a way to lesson the pain they didn’t act to help themselves. Like I said, disgusting. From this torture Seligman was able to prove his idea that a person could learn to be helpless. A person who has been traumatized extensively, even if given the chance to leave the situation or make it better, won’t act to help themselves because they learned powerlessness early on. This part of the book helped me understand my sister better. It helps me understand why she’s still at home, why she reacted the way she did and why I saw her as weak. I hated that she didn’t fight back. I hated it beyond belief. It’s something I have to come to grips with still. Reading I Can’t Get Over It helps me understand her more and helps me put to rest the anger I felt/feel towards her concerning her own abuse. Yeah, you read that correctly. I’m angry with my sister for being weak and for not fighting back and being helpless. Reading this book has helped me understand me and her a bit better.
(To licensed psychiatrists and psychologist: If you find errors in this entry or you have resource links that may prove helpful please leave the corrections and links in the comment section.)
Austin’s August
Depression I Can’t Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.
Monday, October 15, 2007
When I took learning theories in college (strange duck Dr. F was), I was just starting to have the severe nightmares. I hadn’t hit the point of flashbacks. I remember reading about Seligmanns theory. And I remember it resonating in me. But I didn’t understand why. As more of my life comes into focus, I can see my own learned helplessness. I’ve always said that acknowledging a behavior is the first step to changing it. I don’t think my levels of helplessness are quite as high as they used to be. But when I was growing up… damn. I think that’s part of the reason I beat myself up unmercifully . It got to a point where I just laid there and took it. I hate myself for that.
I understand the whole grieving thing, I’ve never truly allowed myself to grieve anything except for a few odd moments here and there, and on a surface level. Not my abused childhood, my parents’ divorce, my 4 failed marriages, my kids’ drug problems, the rapes I suffered during my adult years….none of it. I’ve had to keep on keeping on, and the only way I knew to do this was to stuff everything down as I went, and not look back.
Of course, when you grow up with abuse you don’t learn how to take care of yourself. You don’t even know that’s an option. You don’t realize it’s normal and healthy to grieve for things that were stolen from you, or inflicted upon you. You’re in too much emotional shock to have any perspective on how the abuse is taking its toll on every facet of your life.
This–this inability to grieve–is just one more repercussion to having been treated like a thing. It’s one more struggle we survivors must deal with, one more weight to bear. Oh crud, now I’m depressing myself so I’d better quit before I make you feel even more depressed. Sorry!
I think the phrase “get over it” should be banned. Especially with regard to depression. It isn’t something to be dismissed or flipped on or off like a light switch. Thanks for enlightening people.
Katm-
Laying there and taking it is one of the huge humiliations I suffer with. I wonder why sometimes I was able to fight back and other times I was so bound by fear that I couldn’t move.
Beauty-
Actually Beauty, I found your comment very validating which is encouraging for me.
Enola-
I think people should get over saying get over it
I wonder sometimes if saying, “this too shall pass” is kind way of saying, “you’ll get over it.” That’s what I hear when someone says that to me. I thought about it yesterday and concluded that “this too shall pass” has a hidden support message. A survivor may hear “get over it” when really behind that bumper sticker phrase is, “there is hope beyond this moment.” When hurting it can be hard to hear the message of hope which is also something the book says.
thanks for your comments guys
Austin