Daily Archive for October 29th, 2007

The Performer

Published on October 29, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 4 Comments

Who am I? What do I actually like? What is performance and what is preference? Tennis shoes and baseball caps = preference. I know for a fact that’s me. The Chicago Cubs hat is my favorite. I feel naked without a cap. I like my tennis shoes, high tops and low top Converse. I have pink, green and black. I’m bound and determined to get the red ones and an orange pair. I will have those shoes!!!! I prefer dogs to cats, vanilla to chocolate, blueberry to cherry and cookies to cake. I prefer veggies to meat, potatoes instead of mac and cheese. I know for certain what I like when it comes to foods.

Restless Dreamer

I like the colour red. I’m un-nerved by yellow and motivated by orange, inspired by green. But when I paint with vivid colours its not because I enjoy colour but rather I’m able to scream with it. Continue reading ‘The Performer’

Therapy Notes : Morton’s Pride

Published on October 29, 2007 in Morton's Pride. 0 Comments

We talked about what is really me and about feeling like I have no real physical boundaries or sense of self because I switch personalities so much. It’s like being everywhere and everyone still nowhere and no one at all. We talked about performing for the mother and her seeing us as an object and not a child. Talked about being told we have no heart and getting laughed at when we showed non-manufactured emotion. Talked about what we read in his body language, which made him a tad bit uncomfortable. We didn’t comment that his body language told us so. Talked about why we try our very best to not give much in the form of body language. Talked about our lack of eye contact being rather telling but that making eye contact tells more. We have to choose which we’re willing to let him read. Bad eye contact it is.

He asked what our feelings are when someone shows true interest and doesn’t want us to just perform. We wonder why. We don’t trust it. What do they want with that information? He asked if I think they’ll try and use the information against me? Yup!!! It reminded me of when the great-grandmother died and the mother laughed at me. She said it was funny to see me crying because she knows I don’t have a heart. She couldn’t believe I was crying over the death of my great-grandmother. Those tears dried up faster than they came.

We talked about denying emotion. We talked about him helping to contain emotion and keep things from getting out of control. Enter Robert. This guy isn’t going to control me. Get a grip. If it’s mine it’s mine. You will not lead it, mold it nor touch it. He didn’t say it but he sure as heck thought it. This is the most therapy Robert has ever had. Kinda nice to know he feels comfortable enough to talk to him.

Goals for today: Put the ootheca outside. Eat dinner. I made rye bread for tuna sandwiches, add carrots and celery sticks, I should be good to go. Watch a DVD (Monster Inlaw), take out the trash and run the sweeper. I’ve already walked the dog and I’ve done my adult daily living junk.  I’m going to relax the hell out of the rest of the day.

J of A

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Therapy Notes Monday, October 29, 2007-4:10PM EST