I’m feeling somewhat guilty about my boy getting hurt but as my friend MeMe pointed out, it’s not like I gave him a knife to play with. We play fetch all the time with sticks and he doesn’t get hurt. It was a freak accident. I’m trying to get okay with that still it almost seemed just when I burned the crap out of my tongue at lunch today. Now I just have to “pay for” putting red hair and a clown nose on him. I should be okay then.
Since therapy I’ve been angry, touchy, easily offended. I feel somewhat impulsive right now. Barney was quite offensive today but not about what he did at my bedroom window but what he said about my artwork. Heck, I was feeling pretty good. I got some postcard prints of Lady In The Trees and put them up on Etsy. He says he doesn’t get it. Touchy me was offended. Lady called three times and I was like, damn doesn’t she have anything to do other than call me? I’ve been overly irritated about everything.
I was in bed when my phone rang. Lady called to tell me as she drove by she saw “some white guy” at my window. Barney was fixing something by my window but I had no idea he was there. Cap got up on the bed, put his head in the window and watched him like a friggin hawk. I was quite proud of him. I fell asleep with Barney there. Three hours later I woke up to find him at the living room window working even more on the house. I didn’t know he was there either until he spoke to the cat who promptly exited the area. That time I was a little unnerved because I had no clue he was there until she spoke. I was sitting beside the window eating and heard his voice. So far there’s no concern especially since Captain started watching him at the bedroom window. He would have done that to anyone at the window. I think I may need to tell him that he might want to alert me to the fact that he’ll be at my windows. Today I took it well, who knows what shape I’ll be in the next time I find “some white guy” at my bedroom window when I don’t know he’s there.
To relax and try not to scream or cut I’ve been doing the candle thing and walking my boy. It may be too hot for a fire in the fireplace but it’s not too hot to lay down a board and sit candles in there. It looks pretty good that way too. So I did that and ate more split pea soup. I’m heading in now. It’s wet out there. I seem to sleep well when it rains. I need to read more of my book tomorrow. I made the curfew last night. I find it interesting that after such a hard session last nights dreams included me going to the store that’s always in my dreams to look for those red high top tennis shoes. I haven’t had that dream in a bit. I never find them. The mother was there and so was the sister. I have to sleep. It’s 4 min past curfew. I’m sure it sounds odd that Morton would tell us we need to get in bed by a certain time and get up by a certain time but he wants us to care for ourselves. He wants us to not be so down that we begin to ask if we can “go home.” It’s a kick in the pants so we can work together for healing instead of laying around in bed not doing the things we know work.. it’s not as if we’ll be beaten if we miss it but by keeping it we show willingness to work as a group and keep the body functioning in healthier ways. Sleep, eat, shower, get out of the house. Pretty simple for someone with not a care in the world.
Me
Irrational Impulsive Angry
Friday, October 19, 2007-1:54AM EST
Talked about trust issues which brought out Robert. Robert sat on the end of the sofa and talked to him for the vast majority of the session. Trust is an open invitation to hurt me. We expected Dr. T to leave but hoped to benefit from out time with him. We were totally caught off guard by his leaving. Felt lied to. We expected Dr. T to hit us or ask for sex. He never did. We expected MacBlue to do the same, he only fucked us over emotionally. Talked about trust in past romantic relationships as well as therapeutic relationships. Trust = Sitting Duck. Talked about dealing more with flashbacks and content of nightmares instead of talking about them in general. Most of the session however was spent on sexuality and the mother pushing the issue of us being gay since we were a child then pushing the same issue on my brother when he turned age 3. She hounded us both about it early on. Said, “I’ll love you even if you’re a criminal, a drug user or gay.” Somehow those three go together? Talked about letting go of the idea long ago that we were raised to be gay saying it no longer matters, it just is. Talked about going out Sunday being an act of self injury since we were hoping to run into family members. He asked why. Robert told him because it meant we got to decide when the other shoe would fall. Robert said we were getting tired of waiting to see when we’d run into someone. We wanted to do it on our own terms. At the bar someone called us by our birth name. We didn’t respond. I believe it was my Aunty P, horrible cruel woman. Robert didn’t explain what he meant by what a horrible person Aunty P is.
RECENT COMMENTS