Morton’s guilt is high over not being able to protect us from the mother. The therapist says that with how out of control the mother was no one could protect us all the time, every day, every hour. The job was too big he said. We talked about how the mother knew Morton by name and about how she use to mock him and try to get him to come out. She was scared of him when he did. There was no guarantee that he’d pop out. It was like rolling the dice. She mocked and pushed and called him by name until she pushed too far and there he was in her face. A dog we use to have she decided to call Mortimouse after Morton. The woman walked a thin line. She knew him early on. Stupid, stupid woman.
Talked about the gathering, about cutting this week end, art and participating in a PTSD study. Will talk about Tampa next week. Talked about the dog’s panting being triggering and the head movement of him licking his paws, major triggering. In our dreams he turns into the mother. When he lays down at the foot of the bed on his bed if he bumps the bed we stand up so fast. It’s almost as if he somehow turns into the mother. It’s stupid.
Is he really going to do therapy w/ me and Morton? If so, why? Why not just Maureen? It’s always been them in the first place. It kind of pissed me off that it’s been so dang on long and now I keep popping out in therapy. I don’t even know why I’m there. It’s just stupid. I was happy he didn’t tell me I shouldn’t’ cut. That wouldn’t have gone over well. I’ve already said it. It’s mine so deal with it. I guess we told him because we wanted him to know this week end was hard even though we had fun it was hard. It was hard enough for us to need to relieve the anxiety some way. I hope we didn’t sound manipulative when we told him we cut. I cut but don’t’ tell me not to. I just wanted him to know we were struggling. Maybe I should apologize Wednesday for bring it up cause it might not have come out like I wanted it to. I don’t know.
We have been so pissed lately, about everything. When we want to throw stuff we know we’re pissed. And it feels like everything we touch is shit. I don’t know.
We talked about cooking and about college. He asked if we’d ever consider cooking professionally again. Hell no. We’re done with that. It isn’t right that we’d be so irritated with the pup and the cats. We want to tell them to stop touching me. Just stop touching me. Stop wanting me to pet you. stop demanding attention, go lay down and leave me alone. I don’t know. It’s just not right to be so overwhelmingly angry w/ no real understanding of why.
I came home, did some art work. That’s all.
Robert for MP
Session Review Guilt
Monday, November 19, 2007-5:07PM EST
0 Responses to “Session Review Guilt”