Boy oh boy I should have just kept up the appearance of only being a victim. Damn! Lord knows he’s not going to want to sit in a room w/ Robert unattended. Robert earned the reputation he has but the boy doesn’t … he’s not the old Robert but he still holds onto the guilt from when he was. That was the point of us telling him that stuff. Now I worry, we worry we may have said too much. Robert wants very badly to go to therapy and talk to Dr. D but wants to do it honestly. He doesn’t want to act as if he has no violent yet consensual past.
We talked again about identifying w/ the aggressor. I seem to be able to hear that and not want to toss my cookies but we don’t hear it without seeing Dr. D tie us up…….we don’t hear it w/out seeing him do what our mother did to us. Actually, Robert sees it. The whole time Dr. D is talking he sees him seconds from leaping from the chair to show just how weak he can make us, just how weak he can make is in a short period of time. He can make me beg in 4 seconds flat.
We talked about the mother maybe having fears that caused her to control others. He asked if we wonder why she did what she did. Um, part of me says it was our fault and part of me says there is no answer to that question other than that she’s evil. I said she was born w/ out a conscience. He asked if that was possible. I said maybe her mother beat it out of her. I told him when he says she was afraid I hear it as an excuse for her behavior. He said no it just might explain it a little better. For me explaining it is the same as making an excuse for it. I have a really hard time w/ giving her slack for any thing at all. What really could explain her reenacting scenes from the movie The Green River Killer or Ted Bundy on her children? I don’t give a flying flip what she was afraid of. I don’t even try to understand why.
On the way home the sun went down just as beautifully as yesterday. At that moment I wondered why. I wondered why it even bothers to be so beautiful over such an ugly world. It reminded me of driving along the high way when I was a kid. The clouds formed like snow capped mountains but what was so exceptional was how the sun beamed down rays right through the clouds. It seemed like each ray was caught in a cloud. My sister looked out the window and said, “Mama, look, Holy Spirit.” It is such beauty that makes me ask why, why hang there so effortlessly, so delicately in splendor while we suffer mostly silent, mostly fearful and mostly without hope? Why? That’s when I start to wonder. But I’m taken in by it’s beauty so very much that I’m just happy it does hang there. The mother, ugly and violent, the sunset effortlessly beautiful. Why? Who cares why. It is what it is.
Goals for today: Dinner and Spiderman 2. I think we may be addicted to Spiderman movies. I’ve already walked the dog and taken out the trash. The main goal is to get some sleep. We got to bed at 10Am only to get up 2 hours later to deal w/ therapy. That’s crap if I’ve ever heard it.
Austin’s August
Identifying With The Aggressor
Wednesday, November 28, 2007-5:10PM EST
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