Tampa was nice in that I got to go outside a lot. We stayed on the estate a lot but we got to swim and play volleyball. One time on the 4th of July he rented air space to set off professional fireworks. It was quite the spectacle. He liked my artwork too. One night he came into my room to tuck me in; it was when I first got there, before things turned ugly. He asked me if I needed anything. I said no. He asked if I wanted anything. I asked for paper to draw on. The next day he came home w/ a ream of paper. I was thrilled. He promised I’d be like his own daughter. He said I had a family now and things would be good. That was all before he shot me, before he touched me, before he nicknamed me his little whore. It was before I catered to his parties, assisted his daughter in pulling off his boots to massage his feet. It was before all that.
Dr. D wanted to know if there was one place I ever felt safe. Well yeah I told him. It’s not like everything was bad silly. Not everywhere was bad. I felt safe at the Sutherland’s. I felt the safest there that I’ve ever felt. I was because of them that I did foster care as an adult. The Sutherland’s were great people. Mrs. Sutherland asked one time if I wanted to press charges against he mother. For what I thought? For what crimes? I wasn’t sure what I’d tell the judge she did to me. How was I suppose to know any of that was illegal or out of the ordinary when for me it was normal, ordinary, everyday stuff. How was I supposed to know? Besides, the mother said if I ever told it would be me that went to jail not her. I didn’t want to go to jail. I kept my mouth shut. I was confused by the question. Do I want to press charges? It confused me and it scared me too.
You know what I think? I think back then it made sense to me why things hurt. When you’re bad you’re punished. Punishment is supposed to hurt. If I hurt I must have been bad. I had to be punished. It made sense to me; sometimes it made sense to me. What would I tell the judge? I was bad and forced my mother to punish me? No, I don’t think so. How could I tell him that anyway? I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I thought so hard about it, how to change stuff but I wasn’t sure what I was doing. It doesn’t matter I guess, not anymore.
I think about Tampa a lot, about laying there in the hot sun baking all day long because the uncle and aunt made us stay outside all day. I liked it outside though. We had the swimming pool and the pool house for shelter. We had the Pepsi machine if we wanted something to drink and the pool house had a restroom. I liked swimming back then. I hated going to the beach because I didn’t want to wear that bathing suit. But I liked the swimming pool and I loved my cousin. I still like the sun, even when it’s really, really hot I still like the sun.
Today I walked my dog and I brushed him. We brush him every Wednesday, the cats too. We have to eat dinner and take out the trash and that’s all. We have a movie too, Racing Stripes.
Anna
After The Promise
Wednesday, November 21, 2007-4:43M EST
Morton’s guilt is high over not being able to protect us from the mother. The therapist says that with how out of control the mother was no one could protect us all the time, every day, every hour. The job was too big he said. We talked about how the mother knew Morton by name and about how she use to mock him and try to get him to come out. She was scared of him when he did. There was no guarantee that he’d pop out. It was like rolling the dice. She mocked and pushed and called him by name until she pushed too far and there he was in her face. A dog we use to have she decided to call Mortimouse after Morton. The woman walked a thin line. She knew him early on. Stupid, stupid woman.





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