Monthly Archive for November, 2007Page 2 of 4

After The Promise

Published
by
Austin
on November 21, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 0 Comments

Tampa was nice in that I got to go outside a lot. We stayed on the estate a lot but we got to swim and play volleyball. One time on the 4th of July he rented air space to set off professional fireworks. It was quite the spectacle. He liked my artwork too. One night he came into my room to tuck me in; it was when I first got there, before things turned ugly. He asked me if I needed anything. I said no. He asked if I wanted anything. I asked for paper to draw on. The next day he came home w/ a ream of paper. I was thrilled. He promised I’d be like his own daughter. He said I had a family now and things would be good. That was all before he shot me, before he touched me, before he nicknamed me his little whore. It was before I catered to his parties, assisted his daughter in pulling off his boots to massage his feet. It was before all that.

Dr. D wanted to know if there was one place I ever felt safe. Well yeah I told him. It’s not like everything was bad silly. Not everywhere was bad. I felt safe at the Sutherland’s. I felt the safest there that I’ve ever felt. I was because of them that I did foster care as an adult. The Sutherland’s were great people. Mrs. Sutherland asked one time if I wanted to press charges against he mother. For what I thought? For what crimes? I wasn’t sure what I’d tell the judge she did to me. How was I suppose to know any of that was illegal or out of the ordinary when for me it was normal, ordinary, everyday stuff. How was I supposed to know? Besides, the mother said if I ever told it would be me that went to jail not her. I didn’t want to go to jail. I kept my mouth shut. I was confused by the question. Do I want to press charges? It confused me and it scared me too.

You know what I think? I think back then it made sense to me why things hurt. When you’re bad you’re punished. Punishment is supposed to hurt. If I hurt I must have been bad. I had to be punished. It made sense to me; sometimes it made sense to me. What would I tell the judge? I was bad and forced my mother to punish me? No, I don’t think so. How could I tell him that anyway? I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I thought so hard about it, how to change stuff but I wasn’t sure what I was doing. It doesn’t matter I guess, not anymore.

I think about Tampa a lot, about laying there in the hot sun baking all day long because the uncle and aunt made us stay outside all day. I liked it outside though. We had the swimming pool and the pool house for shelter. We had the Pepsi machine if we wanted something to drink and the pool house had a restroom. I liked swimming back then. I hated going to the beach because I didn’t want to wear that bathing suit. But I liked the swimming pool and I loved my cousin. I still like the sun, even when it’s really, really hot I still like the sun.

Today I walked my dog and I brushed him. We brush him every Wednesday, the cats too. We have to eat dinner and take out the trash and that’s all. We have a movie too, Racing Stripes.

Anna

After The Promise
Wednesday, November 21, 2007-4:43M EST

 

Panting And Other Annoying Behaviors

Published
by
JoanofArc
on November 20, 2007
in Humor, Mental Health, PTSD, Pets and Relationships
. 4 Comments

I wish the boy would announce himself but if he did I’d have issues with that too. He’s trained to open doors but only on command. But Captain, being too smart for his own good, comes in the office without being asked. I can close the door but when he feels like it he turns the knob and walks right in the office. It’s freaky to see the door open. You’d think I’d be use to it by now but I’m still unnerved. That’s not as bad as him licking his paws w/ that slurping sound. The head movement, that back and forth thing makes me so dang on angry!!!!! That’s all I can say about that. I don’t even want to come close to explaining why. All I can say is it’s hard to keep myself from yelling at him. Dogs lick their paws. They pant and it has nothing at all to do with what happened to me but I look at him and I think damnit dog, if you don’t stop and stop NOW!!!! So, in my severe irritation I tend to withdraw from him. I don’t want to take it out on him, especially when my anger has nothing at all to do w/ him. But the more I withdraw from him the harder he tries to get close to me. The more he wants to be petted and demands attention the angrier I am for his demands. So, today I decided that I wouldn’t push him away. Instead of sending him to his doggie friend’s house next door I took him to the golf course to run and sniff and mark stuff. He always enjoys it so we went there for about 30 min. It seemed like enough contact to ease him a bit. I felt better too because we weren’t in a confined area trying to play. I haven’t been out with him like that in a bit because of my panting and licking anger issues.

Since he’s trained to respond to my issues the more I have the more he tries to respond and the more I want to push him away. I’m not letting him do his job, do the thing he knows how to do. That must frustrate him, make him wonder what he’s doing wrong. How confusing that must be that I haven’t calmed down no matter how hard he tries. I think the walk and the close contact was good for us both.

I don’t let that big lug sleep with me through the night anymore. He does get up on the bed when I’m not doing well but as soon as I go to sleep he gets down. I fall back to sleep almost immediately. Well, recently he decided that sleeping up there through the night is a good idea. WRONG! You’re too big buddy and you kick and you snore and do “other” rude things. I wanted to get him off the bed but not make him feel rejected. If I told him to get down he would but I worried w/ my extra irritation he might see that as rejection. This is where creativity comes in. I had to out smart my super smart dog. I decided to play a Captain and squeeze him up against the wall. So there we are on the bed. I rolled over and squeezed him up against the wall like he does me. He was doing that dog grunt kind of thing, the huffing and puffing like he had no room at all and couldn’t break free from my body and the wall that has my body imprint from him squeezing me against it. Then I started mock snoring and moving my feet in the doggie dream kind of way. I didn’t do any farting. I can’t just bring that stuff forward ya know. I’m not that kinda gross. Eventually he got frustrated and got off the bed. I was so proud of myself. Mama 1, Doggie 0. So see, I didn’t reject him I was just rude and overbearing. It seems pulling a Captain from time to time is a good idea. It works, you might try that with your dog if you have one.

Outsmarting the cats is a little harder. If figure when the cats use the litter box I should go over to it and peak inside, scratch at the litter box door and just annoy the heck out of ‘em so they know how it feels. They don’t seem to like it when I go in the restroom and close the door. If I leave it open they find a nice little new bed right in my pants. It’s not right. It’s just not right. One moment alone is all I ask for, that’s all I ask. Bella has strange litter box habits. She will scratch in the box for what seems like hours and come out having covered nothing. She scratches the sides of the box, the top, the bottom then repeats but hasn’t covered a darn thing. It seems like a total waste of energy. Grace is a whole different story. I think she might have OCD. She covers everything, scratches the sides then comes bolting out like lightening. I can just about hear her, “Oh-ma-goodness it’s funky in there,” like she didn’t cause that smell herself or something. She comes out of there so fast! So see, the strange animals I live with means I have to rise to a whole new level of strangeness just to mange it. Sometimes I’m up to the task, other times I’m grateful I can at least send Captain to go play with his friends.

J of A

Panting And Other Annoying Behaviors-Tuesday, November 20, 2007-4:52PM EST

 

Ritualistic Abuse

Published
by
Austin
on November 19, 2007
in Mental Health and PTSD
. 9 Comments

I do not know what RA is separate from satanic ritual abuse. If anyone knows what that is please clue me in.

Session Review Guilt

Published
by
Austin
on November 19, 2007
in Morton's Pride
. 0 Comments

Mama's FoodMorton’s guilt is high over not being able to protect us from the mother. The therapist says that with how out of control the mother was no one could protect us all the time, every day, every hour. The job was too big he said. We talked about how the mother knew Morton by name and about how she use to mock him and try to get him to come out. She was scared of him when he did. There was no guarantee that he’d pop out. It was like rolling the dice. She mocked and pushed and called him by name until she pushed too far and there he was in her face. A dog we use to have she decided to call Mortimouse after Morton. The woman walked a thin line. She knew him early on. Stupid, stupid woman.

Talked about the gathering, about cutting this week end, art and participating in a PTSD study. Will talk about Tampa next week. Talked about the dog’s panting being triggering and the head movement of him licking his paws, major triggering. In our dreams he turns into the mother. When he lays down at the foot of the bed on his bed if he bumps the bed we stand up so fast. It’s almost as if he somehow turns into the mother. It’s stupid.

Is he really going to do therapy w/ me and Morton? If so, why? Why not just Maureen? It’s always been them in the first place. It kind of pissed me off that it’s been so dang on long and now I keep popping out in therapy. I don’t even know why I’m there. It’s just stupid. I was happy he didn’t tell me I shouldn’t’ cut. That wouldn’t have gone over well. I’ve already said it. It’s mine so deal with it. I guess we told him because we wanted him to know this week end was hard even though we had fun it was hard. It was hard enough for us to need to relieve the anxiety some way. I hope we didn’t sound manipulative when we told him we cut. I cut but don’t’ tell me not to. I just wanted him to know we were struggling. Maybe I should apologize Wednesday for bring it up cause it might not have come out like I wanted it to. I don’t know.

We have been so pissed lately, about everything. When we want to throw stuff we know we’re pissed. And it feels like everything we touch is shit. I don’t know.

We talked about cooking and about college. He asked if we’d ever consider cooking professionally again. Hell no. We’re done with that. It isn’t right that we’d be so irritated with the pup and the cats. We want to tell them to stop touching me. Just stop touching me. Stop wanting me to pet you. stop demanding attention, go lay down and leave me alone. I don’t know. It’s just not right to be so overwhelmingly angry w/ no real understanding of why.

I came home, did some art work. That’s all.

Robert for MP

Session Review Guilt
Monday, November 19, 2007-5:07PM EST

The Spontaneous Gathering

Published
by
Austin
on November 19, 2007
in General Chatter, Gratitude Journal and Relationships
. 4 Comments

I had quite the nice week end with only one regret. I have no idea what possessed me to pick up a football and play with two 9 year old boys. I suppose I forgot that my bones are aged. But, for a bit I didn’t feel any pain. I just had fun. There was one 13 inch deep dish apple pie, 4 adults, two kids, 4 dogs and 2 cats. It was a spontaneous gathering of neighbors. Cappy Crunch got to play with his pals and I got to play football. It’s been awhile. I can’t believe I got my butt kicked by tiny 9 year olds.

This morning I sat on the porch in my big red fluffy warm slippers and smiled as I reflected on football and apple pie. I wish I had more pie and fewer football “memories.”

Austin

 

Tradition- Random Memory Friday

Published
by
Austin
on November 17, 2007
in General Chatter, Humor and Relationships
. 6 Comments

At Wally World the other day it didn’t register WHY a man stood beside the door ringing a bell. I only noticed he danced around with his headphones on. I wondered what was on his ipod but other than that I didn’t think about the fact that he stood there because it’s the holiday season. He wanted donations for the United Way. I got that but still, I wasn’t thinking along the lines of the holidays. I don’t celebrate them so I suppose I see things differently. I have to remember that even if I don’t think in those terms many others do. I have to try and remind myself (via email notification) that many of my friends will be kind of busy with family and friends. I wouldn’t want to call on Wednesday or Thursday expecting a friendly chat only to find that I’ve interrupted their celebration.

Can someone really totally and completely forget the holiday right up until the day of or even past it? Think about this for a minute, say you’re driving a car. You get in, you put the keys in the ignition, you look both ways and you pull off. That’s what drivers do. But suppose you don’t drive. What do you do? You immediately walk around to the passenger’s side door. You don’t go for the driver’s seat at all. It’s unnatural to do so. You’ve never done it before. You go for the seat you know, the seat you’ve always taken. You might be wondering, but with that darned holiday music and the trees all over, commercials about the perfect gift you can’t possibly be that dulled to the holiday season. People that don’t drive see cars everyday. They see different makes and models. New ones come out at certain times. They may even appreciate one make and model over another but it doesn’t mean they’re in the same mind set as a driver. Toyota advertises it’s big sale. Honda tries to out sell Toyota. The advertisements are everywhere. But still, if you’ve never driven are you really paying that much attention to car advertisements? Advertisements or no, if you don’t drive you all but block out information about driving if it doesn’t pertain to you on a personal level. They come every year with the coloured eggs, fright masks and holly but since that information doesn’t pertain to me I do what comes naturally, I go for the passengers side door. It’s normal for me.

This brings me to feeling down or blue on holidays. Since I don’t celebrate them then it’s just another day for me. I have no real mood change due to holidays. I get up, I take my shower, I drink my coffee, I start my day. It’s routine. Holidays for me are the same as Toyota sales. I’m no happier the days leading up to the sale, the day of the sale nor the day after. I’m not “a driver” so my mind all but blocks out that information. My brain looks for information it can compute. I go for the passenger side.

Since I was a kid the holidays have snuck up on my family. There’s a standing joke that there’s an R & S Holiday Mistake. (The R is her maiden name and the S was her married name.) It’s no secret that my mother’s cooking could be counted as abuse. Since she didn’t want to eat her own coking we ate out a lot. When we ate out we ate well. No fast food, no happy meals or Red Lobster type stuff. We ate well UNLESS it was Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter. Our regular spots were closed so our options were limited. To Denny’s we went. Since she forgot to go to the store (she was riding not driving) we ended up with no food in the house and nothing to eat every single solitary holiday growing up it was like that. So, every single solitary holiday we ended up at Denny’s. It became tradition for us. She’d swear she would remember next year but nope, she forgot and so did my sister and brother. It snuck up on us so there we were at Denny’s every holiday, every year. I have to wonder sometimes if she loathed the thought of having to cook some horrible meal she’d have to eat so that’s why she forgot to go to the store. Either way, we laughed at the dinner table at the worst restraint in the city. Ah, I hated that place. The food isn’t that great, the booths were sticky and back then they weren’t really that friendly to person of the darker persuasion. However, somehow we made that day laughable and fun. It was like any other meal though. There was no special thanks given, no special food to commemorate the day. It was another meal for us, another car ride we were not emotionally attached to. So, please don’t think this was our holiday meal. We ate and we went home and did what we always did.

I look back on that and laugh because it was like dang it we were suppose to remember. But we never did. I don’t think of that time as a bad time. I remember it fondly. To start calling it the R & S Holiday Mistake was just too funny. Many times there wasn’t a can of green beans in the house. The woman knew she couldn’t cook so why even try? That was quite the blessing, her taking us out instead of forcing us to eat her culinary disasters. I have a feeling one of the main reasons I cook every meal (if at all possible) is because I ate out so much as a child. I managed to break the tradition because of my love for cooking at home so this year and last year and the year before I did get into the passengers seat, so to speak, but I had a safety belt. I had food in the cupboard. No Denny’s for this girl. I’ll have something homemade, something warm and inviting just like yesterday and just like today, warm and inviting. Then on Tuesday I’ll get an email reminding me that Wednesday and Thursday I need to make room for other traffic.

 

Austin’s August

Tradition- Random Memory Friday
Friday, November 16, 2007-11:18PM EST

Art As Therapy

Published
by
Austin
on November 16, 2007
in Art, Art Therapy, Dissociative Identity Disorder, General Chatter, Gratitude Journal, PTSD and Therapy
. 2 Comments

I was surprised to find out two of my paintings were featured on Redbubble. The first was a version of Face It and the second painting is Lady Hope. She got featured yesterday. This so so cool. You can see my featured moment here.

Lady Hope

Strange I know but above being happy about getting featured I was more pleased with the fact that a talented artist that I truly admire favorited Face It on my Flickr page. I like this artist because of how he paints people. One particular piece shows a nude lady standing in what I call a ghost town. She’s standing stark naked in the middle of town with no one in sight yet she’s holding a gun straight out still trying to protect herself. Now, this is of course my personal spin on the painting. His stuff lets you do that, spin your own meaning. But when I look at this painting I see a woman that is exposed yet isolated. To onlookers it’s like, well why is she naked and why is she holding a gun when she is the only person in the painting? There are no other people in desert town. Perhaps someone is standing just outside of the frame? I figure she is and has always been in protective mode even when there is no real cause for that level of alarm she’s still at that level of alarm. Louie’s paintings are quite vivid, quite detailed. I hope when people look at them they look with the depth they demand. So, even though I was featured on Redbubble (twice in fact) I was so honored that Louir liked a piece of artwork from a small time Indiana girl. Now that is enough to make a girl smile.

The two pieces that were featured are both art therapy pieces. The pieces with the most meaning to us were the one’s chosen but it got us to thinking. I wondered if people will start to long for the romantic and exotic type figures Joan is known for or the floral paintings Maureen is known for. Since Robert has been out there haven’t been too many of those. I doubt that there will be. I wonder if I’ll scare people off the art blog because of how different his art is from the art of other Pride members. We did paint Angel the other day which has a slightly different feel to it than our other works but it is certainly not Robert’s artwork.

The stuff he’s been through reflects in his work. The busy, full, constantly moving, high texture images he creates accurately show what’s in his head and how he feels. Dr. D asked what Robert’s life was like. I didn’t know how to explain the howling, the incessant howling. That’s how he use to do, kind of as a way to ward off but also to bring others closer. Robert’s howl was quite mournful. He needed someone to hear him but he was scared to death, scared of himself and of others. In his artwork he is able to relieve some of the pain of his past.

Robert is the main one in our system that experienced torture by the hands of our mother but the hands you see in the picture above are not of concern to the nested masked figure. They’re protecting her, guarding her so that she can grow, she has a reason to hope. She’s several different colours but not divided as to which is her true identity. The mask in this image though, it’s not like the others. She has no identity yet, she hasn’t decided who she is. There’s nothing to withhold because she hasn’t grown to that point yet. She can only hope that life will give her a chance to find out. She is being guarded, watched over closely so she can flourish, so she has a real chance at bursting forth. Notice the rays that come down and flood over her. In every single way this woman child is nurtured. In the beginning we called her Guarded but the title changed to reflect the more positive side of the painting. Now we call her Lady Hope.

Austin

Will You Choose To Pass This Down?

Published
by
Austin
on November 14, 2007
in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy
. 3 Comments

It makes me sad. Sometimes I resent the whole I’m going to therapy thing especially when the cousin comes up. We talked about the cousin and about the lack of male influence growing up, about the vast majority of women in my family hating men but being closet lesbians. There were 2 boys in my life growing up, my older male cousin aka the wolf and my younger brother. Wow, I just smiled when I wrote “my younger brother.” We steered the conversation away from him and ended up talking about Robert and how he identifies with two abusers. We talked about how my adult male cousin is the only person in the family to pay for his crimes. I wonder if he had grown up differently if he would have hurt his girls? Even still we all have a choice. We have a choice to hit or not hit, to harm or not harm. People can get help. There is no excuse for abuse, none at all. People have a choice not to hurt. We talked about the mother choosing to hurt her children, choosing to not get help. That hurts so much, to know not only did she choose to hurt us she enjoyed it. That makes me angry.

We talked about me holding the baby on Monday and how it felt to do so. I didn’t freak out when she handed her to me. I didn’t run or try and sanitize the baby. No OCD issues at all as a matter of fact. He asked how it felt. I told him I like kids. He noticed the glow when I mentioned my foster boys. He asked how it was that I was able to be a good mother when I was never shown how to be one. For me motherhood came naturally plus I could relate to the boys and their fears.

We talked about how abuse gets passed down from one generation to another. I understand that. I’ve said it before, there are 6 generations of abuse in my family. I’ve heard stories from 5 of them because 5 generations were alive at one time.

I know my mother saw herself in me and I understand that. I understand the idea that a mother can look at her child and see the child they use to be. I understand looking at her and thinking you hate her because you see yourself, the weak, hurt, scared little knock kneed kid you were. I look in the mirror and detest the reflection of the scared child I use to be. But still, stand back and take a good hard look. She’s not you. I wasn’t her and I deserved a chance to not feel like she did. Because I do know how she felt it’s her fault, not the fault of the person that abused her. This is on her, it was her hand that hurt me and her apathy that allowed others to hurt me because she didn’t see me (herself) as worthy of protection. But you gotta draw a line between you and your child somewhere. Why, cause it’s right to do so, because it means her future health to draw that line.

Think about this, why on earth would you put her through what you went through? You can’t destroy yourself or your past through another person especially a child. Making the choice to do no harm and figuring out a way to follow through on this goal is vital for yourself and for generations to come. Do not pass this down! If you wouldn’t consciously pass down AIDS or ovarian cancer, breast cancer or any other deadly disease why would you be willing to pass down abuse? It is unnatural to hit and abuse, it is natural to love but sometimes anger from the past snuffs out our will to let love abound. Please, for the love of God do not pass this down!

Austin’s August

Will You Choose To Pass This Down?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007-6:31PM EST

reprieve

Published
by
Austin
on November 13, 2007
in Art, General Chatter and Gratitude Journal
. 7 Comments

the vast majority of this day has been spent in laughter

and art work

this links to the art blog with detailed views

austin

Session Review - Religion

Published
by
JoanofArc
on November 13, 2007
in Morton's Pride
. 0 Comments

Talked about hyper-vigilance and trust issues fueling hyper-vigilance. No Robert today which was interesting. He asked why we were hugging the pillow. We told him it was to feel more hidden. Talked about hiding with long sleeve shirts and about 3 reasons for wearing a hat all the time - style (← I so got that), to hide and as a sign of guilt. Head coverings in the Bible often represent a person’s humble recognition of sinfulness. He asked what I have to repent of. Oh, I don’t know being a smoking, cussing lesbian I guess. This lead to talk of religious connections growing up. La Regla Lucumi/ La Santeria, Wicca and Catholicism. I stressed that I’m not connected to any of those. It was quite confusing to him I guess why it is our family would be into that. If you toss in the grandfather’s heritage along with their love for all things Hispanic the connection to La Santeria becomes obvious. That sounds bad I know.

We talked about 2 out of the three taboo subjects - race and religion. I suppose Wednesday we’ll talk about politics. Unlike MacBlue he wasn’t anywhere close to offensive. He wondered why our family was so interested in Spain and its religions which lead to background info on familial heritage. Asked what race we consider ourselves. If you ask my grandfather he’d say West African, from what use to be called Zaire. If you ask anyone else in my family they’d say, “What the hell kinda question is that?” I told him I say I’m black, it’s quite simple. I don’t have a lick of Spanish blood in me but the family sure loved that country and spent a heck of a lot of time there. They mostly loved the land and didn’t get too much into locals other than the religion we spoke of. He asked if it scared me as a child, if I participated in rituals. Nope. I sure didn’t.

It was a lighter session than usual. How on earth could that be light? Well, compared to other sessions it was light. After the session we went out to see if our favorite little guy was in the waiting room. He was in session so I didn’t get to see him. His father asked why I didn’t have Captain Crunch with us. He’s basically retired we told him. I offered to trade Captain for their newborn. I got to hold the little guy’s newborn sister and feed her. She’s so precious. She looked all of 3 inches and one ounce the last time I saw her so I didn’t hold her but today I did cause now she’s like 5 inches, 2 ounces…tiny, tiny, tiny.

I got in the cab to come home. While driving home a bus broke down causing a back up on the highway ramp. We sat there for twenty minutes until people started backing up. I shot a photo from the window and did an art piece with it called On The Bridge.

Goals: dinner, trash, watch Spiderman 3 again. I ♥ that movie, gotta get all 3.
Completed goals: raked leaves, walked the dog

Joan
Session Review Religion
Monday, November 12, 2007-11:07PM EST

***comments are close*** ***the reason comments are closed for session review entries is because the notes are specifically for Pride members. It makes it easier for us to come and read our notes without the complication of comments. When we come and look at our therapy notes we want to be able to focus on the notes and not the comments. It’s not that we want to keep people from responding if they so desire we just need to simplify an already high emotional situation. I hope that makes sense. Feel free to comment via email. For simplicities sake I need to close comments on therapy review entries. Our address can be found on the side bar under contact me.***