We talked about being single again and how I’m doing with that. I told him I enjoy having my house to myself again. I enjoy having my space back, listening to music, watching TV shows I actually want to watch and pretty much doing things as I please. I mentioned that the only need that goes unmet are physical needs. Most of the time I can handle it, other times I’m looking at anything in a skirt. So far so good, no one night stands are anything crazy like that. We talked about how the woman is still the same ol’ Blossom. Nothing has changed for the good or the bad, she’s still Blossom. Still dependent, still easily swayed, still high on my list of people I’m better off not hanging with. We talked about transference issues with Blossom. At one point I called her my mother instead of my ex gf. Yikes!
Monthly Archive for December, 2007
I’ve been craving cookies for days now, well, cookies and biscuits w/ sausage gravy…not together though. This afternoon I had a dream that Cookie Monster was at Over Eaters Anonymous. He said he’s blue and eats to cover the pain. He said he hides behind his weight. I woke up laughing. I’d say this is a big improvement from my usual dreams. I hope Cookie Monster gets the help he needs. In the mean time I have oatmeal cookies in the oven waiting to help my cravings.
Gotta run.
Austin
Part of me would like to lay low today and do nothing at all. Therapy yesterday was kinda brutal. I took in the same photos that I let Dr. T see awhile back. Dr. D, my current therapist, saw exactly what I saw with very little prompting. One of the main themes in those pictures that I missed was how the pictures of the children do not include adults until the older years. We aren’t touching each other much and are spaced apart almost perfectly. The faces of the children show stress that increases with age. That I noticed but I hadn’t seen the fact the young children are pictured alone. Not until we hit our teen years are children seen in the same photos as adults. Most of the pictures of my cousins, my sister and myself are staged. We are being photographed but we are certainly not participating or want to be photographed. In the photos of me around age 10 and up I’m no longer looking dead into the camera. My sister looks into the camera from her early years to the oldest picture I have of her which is her senior year in high school.
M (age 14) wasn’t yet across the street so he had no clue he was being blamed for everything.
Concerned Neighbor wanted to say: Jail! You in jail? You’re the same kid who got his ass kicked by a skinny little something. You fell on the ground and cried like a girl because he kicked you. What on earth do you think you’d do when some big boys get a hold of you?
Concerned Neighbor said- Probation? You’re 13. You shouldn’t even know the word probation.
Little Pimp wanna be (age 9) stood white as snow nearly in tears next to Cry Baby and his little brother. M was still across the street hiding in the bushes. They kept calling to him. I wasn’t sure if he was going to run or join the blame party. Finally he came over and stood with us.
Cry Baby’s brother (age 9)- If you call the police my Dad is going to whoop my ass. Continue reading ‘Four Boys and A Neighbor’
It almost doesn’t seem real to watch him, 6 foot something with an instrument in his hand playing so professionally. I’ve heard him only once in real life. I was amazed. So, I kind of watch from a distance, from video posted on his blog and read the blogs themselves, stuff like that. I watch him grow, watch him stumble around making youthful mistakes and go every which way but the right way. Oh what my mother must say. He hasn’t mentioned her. He mentioned the death of my grandfather and the chain of events that would surely take place after it. But other than that he talks about his love life or lack there of, the dangerous games he plays and the drinking that leaves him void of control. I try not to think about it. I want to leave a comment so badly on his blog I can’t see straight, but I don’t do it. What on earth would I say? I don’t even know him anymore. I’ve seen him once in concert when he was 15. The time before the concert he was 3 years old being taken away from us. Now there he stands, tall, grown up, professional. It amazes me. Continue reading ‘Proud’
How safe are these shoes next to a dog this size? They’re safe. I haven’t lost as much as a belt with Captain Crunch. The bench has been victim to cats for the last 2 years though. With cat scratches and dog slobber it can’t be saved. At least they only scratch that. Heck, I got it out of the trash to make into a small table next to the loveseat. The cats took to it and made it their scratch post. As long as they leave the rest of the furniture alone, which they do, I figure it’s okay. I think Cap believes the little bench is an extension of the loveseat. I don’t know.
So, what does one do on a holiday when they don’t celebrate them? Well, I got up early, for some reason. I’m not sure why I woke at 8am but I did. I fiddled around happy that my roommate was gone. Around 10am he came back carrying loads of presents. I thought to myself, “He’s early. He can’t be early. I need to change the locks so he can’t get in when he comes back early.” I hurried back to my area because I wasn’t dressed quite right to be around him. “Gotta change those locks.” I thought. “Coming back early, what kinda crap is that?” I then went for a short nap that turned long, got up and made dinner, watched some TV, talked to a few friends and hung out on the love seat to watch a little more TV. That’s what I did.
Dinner: Linguine, roasted peppers, broccoli, diced tomatoes all in a garlic butter sauce with a 4 oz salmon fillet. A meal out like that would have cost me about $12 but a meal in cost me about $4. I paid $1 for the 4oz salmon fillet and $1 for the steam-in-bag veggies with Linguine. The other $2 comes in from garlic bread and coffee. It was a beautiful meal by candle light. I can’t complain at all.
I’ve gotta go watch my movie again, for the third time in a week. Flawless with Robert De Niro and Philip Seymour Hoffman. The movie isn’t one for people that can’t stand the F-word or who are a bit squeamish when it comes to the whole transvestite thing. It doesn’t have sexual overtones to it by any means but the supporting character is a “drag queen” who struggles to find his identity. The main character is an ex-cop who needs voice lessons to help him through a stroke. He takes the lessons from the “drag queen” down the hall. The reason I like the movie is because of how each of them has their mind set of how things should be and each of them are dead set in their ways. The “drag queen” thinks he has the whole world of heterosexuality figured out and the ex-cop doesn’t even attempt to understand the other world he just constantly makes fun of it. You see them both develop, but you don’t see them change their mind on who they think the other should be. I guess they tolerate each others differences. That’s not what draws me to the movie though. What draws me to it is how the “drag queen” has such issues with abandonment, not just with his abusive boyfriend but with the ex-cop De Niro as well. I keep watching him because something nags me about him. I haven’t put my finger on it yet. I suppose that’s why I keep watching it to try and figure out what it is about that character that I’m relating to. I got the movie from Dollar Tree. It was worth a buck. I’ve had it for over a year now but this week it came out of the plastic wrap. No clue why now but this week it actually got watched….several times in fact.
A Flawless Day-Tuesday, December 25, 2007-10:26PM EST
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