The People Behind My Eyes

Therapy wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. What I told him last week wasn’t that great and I fully expected him to be all but armed. My little one told him what we fear is him looking at me differently, as if somehow knowing we have a real past will turn his soft look hard. She said the look on his face changed from soft to harder. He said if we saw the look again to tell him. She said it was on his face then which is when he explained the look to be not of fear but a mix of empathy, concern and care.

Our fear of course is that this green therapist who has never ever treated a multiple before will let us get comfortable then say, “It’s better that you see someone else.” That hasn’t happened in a very long time but it’s not something one forgets easily. He said he thinks he can help and he doesn’t worry about Robert/us having a past. I suppose stuff from the 4^th grade can’t really be considered a past but we still think of it with disgust and great guilt.

We talked about the fourth grade again but my little one felt like she was complaining so she shut up. Somehow we got on the subject of not remembering what age we were when specific things happened but we could tell him what house we lived in and what school we went to. As far as years and dates went we had no idea. He then asked if that had to do w/ little attention to our age. My first thought was that we were never in an age appropriate situation. He wondered if it had to do w/ not recognizing our birthday but I think it’s more than that. I told him we never see ourselves as little. When we have nightmares about the abuse what is happening happens to the body we have now, not to the body we had then. That is quite humiliating to see an adult cower so. Perhaps it would be easier to have sympathy for myself if I actually ever dreamed of me as a child cowering or afraid? I don’t though, I see a 36 year old woman being hurt, responding in ways that simply infuriates me. That feeling of humiliation often leads to suicidal thoughts. I just need to get that huge burden, that dreadful humiliation off my face, off my heart and mind. The quickest way to rid myself of it, I think at the time, is to leave this earth. For me humiliation’s aftermath is suicidal tendencies. If I’m humiliated to whatever degree it doesn’t matter, my first thought is to run from it. Running leads to thoughts of dying.

I can’t believe we told him so much detail. I can’t believe he has gained the … lord I’m going to use the word…the trust of Robert and his younger brother, of Morton and other male alters who really, really want to show up to talk to him. It’s been a very long time since any of them ever wanted, longed to speak to an outsider.

Long Time Coming-Tuesday, December 04, 2007-2:38AM EST