The subject of dating came up again which of course lead to Blossom. He asked if I’m ready to try with someone new. I still don’t know that I’m healthy enough to choose a basically not screwed up person. I mean really, the last guy I dated was a true jackass who turned out to be married. He was between break ups w/ Blossom. Damn I felt so stupid. I got back together w/ Blossom and stayed with her for awhile. With her gone I think my level of loneliness has increased but in other areas I’ve been thrilled to death.
I enjoy my art much more without her sitting in a chair next to me shaking her head no when she doesn’t like a line I’ve drawn or she doesn’t like a colour I’ve chosen. I enjoy art much more when she’s not sitting in a chair watching me only to break in with, “Well, I thought I knew where you were going w/ that but I guess I don’t.” The criticism was just unbelievable. I enjoy my food a lot more now that simple ingredients like salt and pepper can be added without much huffing and puffing. I can now add relish to my tuna salad or chicken salad w/out eye rolling or face stiffening. There is no one here to hound me about wearing a hat all the time. “If you comb your hair so nice why do you put a hat on?” No one here to tell me to wear tighter close, show off my ass, my legs, etc. hell I might as well start calling you by my uncle’s name. There’s no one here to every now and then pop up w/ “Mommy that feels good.” She knows damn well that phrase is cruel and unnecessary. That one phrase she knows not to say but I’ll be damned if she didn’t do it in blind side ways. Oh that woman I’m telling you she is one cruel, cruel little bitch who didn’t want to do one single thing for herself and complained the whole time when others did things for her. With this type of anger still hot and high how am I to look at any other woman as more than another Blossom?
She is one crazy, fucked up cruel bitch that I happen to have loved for a very long time. And still I miss her hugs. I miss some of the intimate moments. I miss her beauty and her laugh. I miss the way she practically glides when she walks. But I detest the clinginess, the manipulation, the cheating, and the lying and out right cruelty. I don’t miss the roller coaster ride relationship we had. There may have been some good and to me she may have been the most beautiful girl in the world but damn she is one fucked up beautiful girl. And I don’t know how on earth I’m going to look at anyone else and see them as anyone other than another potential Blossom. With my oh-so-great partner choosing skills the next girl will be Blossom. My issues are the same. The very issues I try and deal with are the same ones that drive me to this type of girl. I just don’t see how I’ll choose a healthier person when my own issues are what attract me to the most broken girls of all.
At this point, I’m lonely. I want companionship but I don’t want another Blossom. I fear that until my major issues are better controlled I’m just going to choose another Blossom. Dear Lord the thought of it ………. omg.
Finding The Right Partner-Thursday, December 06, 2007-4:32AM EST
I came to the realization a couple of years ago that I would never be mentally healthy enough to be in a positive relationship. Not that this is the case for everyone with mental illness, but it is the case for me. I get lonely sometimes but most of the time I know I’ve made the right decision. I’m definitely at my worst when in a relationship. At this point I feel pretty good about my decision, but it makes me mad as hell to have to constantly explain to other people something that’s none of their damn business anyway!