In a very short period of time I’ve had some major triggers the first of was the experience at Kroger’s where Barney’s car broke down and it threw me back to the time my mother left me at the store because she said she was going to kill herself.
We admitted that we sometimes asked the mother to hit us because we needed the pain. We’re still struggling with having told you that.
In the last few weeks of therapy we’ve covered a few details not just general stuff but details about the physical abuse of the mother. We’ve talked about the uncle and his sexual abuse, about the cousin Wolfe, about my sister and my aunts.
We spoke briefly about my short marriage to a stranger.
I’ve been dealing with some physical problems and sleep disturbances
I’m watching my dog deteriorate.
I’m saddened by the family dedication my roommate has and wonder why no one ever loved me like he loves his daughters, son and grandchildren. I want that.
I’m lonely.
I’m afraid.
I feel like I’m wasting my life and that there are too many therapy issues to sort through, stuff that may not get resolved enough for me to truly have happy periods in my life.
I’m haunted by nightmares.
I’m tortured by flashbacks where I can feel her hitting me.
I think I might be crazy.
We gave details about Robert’s history and what his life was like and what he experienced with the mother on a torture level. Robert being forward more and working on his stuff has thrown us off a bit. We feel and see his experiences. His guilt for what he feels he’s putting this system through is strong. Robert has the right to heal too.
I tell you we are suicidal BEFORE it gets to the point where I’m not interested in your help. I tell you before so that it doesn’t get to the point where reason isn’t possible. Somehow I feel I need to justify why I’m feeling so overwhelmed and why suicidal ideation has come up. You haven’t asked for justification but in my head I seem to need to justify why this has come up. You mentioned that I only tell you after the sessions that I go home and vomit or I go home and I can’t function. Sitting in your office I can’t just come out and say it because I’m too busy trying to keep it together. It isn’t that I’m trying to withhold. I’m trying to maintain. I’m trying not to curl up in a corner. The other thing is, I’m stuck in the same “don’t respond”, “don’t show fear or anxiety” mode. I did that as a child and as a teen. I did it as a domestic violence victim. No response, no facial expression, no clue that on the inside I’m dying of fear, anxiety and hopelessness. Dr. D I’m trying. At least I do tell you these things are happening. I may not be able to tell you in the session but you will hear it. Maybe we can work on me being able to tell you. Perhaps we can do a check in type thing and I might be able to verbalize how I’m feeling about our discussion. Right now I’m too conditioned to shut down and not respond. I’m going to need a little help to re-learn that expression can be safe.
“I mentioned that I only tell you after the sessions that I go home and vomit or I go home and I can’t function. Sitting in your office I can’t just come out and say it because I’m too busy trying to keep it together. It isn’t that I’m trying to withhold. I’m trying to maintain. I’m trying not to curl up in a corner. The other thing is, I’m stuck in the same “don’t respond”, “don’t show fear or anxiety” mode. I did that as a child and as a teen. I did it as a domestic violence victim. No response, no facial expression, no clue that on the inside I’m dying of fear, anxiety and hopelessness. Dr. D I’m trying. At least I do tell you these things are happening. I may not be able to tell you in the session but you will hear it. Maybe we can work on me being able to tell you. Perhaps we can do a check in type thing and I might be able to verbalize how I’m feeling about our discussion. Right now I’m too conditioned to shut down and not respond. I’m going to need a little help to re-learn that expression can be safe.”
YES YES YES YES - I do the same thing. I email my T after sessions and tell her my reactions. I can’t tell her in there. Although, after almost 2 years, she can tell sometimes when I “disappear.” Lately she’ll ask me if I am thinking something I don’t want to say. I just nod. She doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking…yet. Baby steps.
I’m glad you are able to tell him after the session. That’s a great first step. Hang in there.
When I read the above to him he said it really helps him understand where I’m coming from and why I need to step back for a few days and get my head together. He told me to leave the option of Wednesday open. I said no but if you have something available on Friday I’ll take that. I need a few days to not think about this stuff, to get my head together, to rest. I agreed to go in on Friday. It’s big time vacation for me. No running around to the store, no hopping in and out of cabs, nothing but books, the bath tub, TV and of course the three stooges. I’m on vacation!!!!!
Austin
You amaze me.
And I am so very glad your therapist is working so very well with you in all this.
Yay! I’m so glad you have comments on.
After reading your post, I’m glad: that you’re talking while reason is still working for you; and that you’re talking when you’re still interested in your T’s help.
Oh, I wish I could do video stuff and send you a “coffee with friends” clip. That meant so much to me when I was suicidal this fall and had to go into the hospital again.
I know about feeling afraid and lonely and thinking you might be crazy–I’m right there with you friend. I know you don’t want hugs, but I’m sending all the cyber solace and peace vibes I can muster for you right now.
Even though it sucks to actually say some of these things it’s good to get them out in the open. I think it’s great that you seem to have a decent rapport with your therapist and he seems pretty trustworthy, not like that last turkey you were seeing.
I did a search for sites that might help me not feel so alone in my depression and hopelessness. This one came up so I figured I would comment. You know what they say, the older you get, the less you are invited to weddings, and the more you go to funerals. On that positive note, I invite you to come to my blog, http://lazyfathead.blogspot.com, and join me in my delightful spiral into death depression and nothingness.
Thanks for your time. Remain happy ?