In about an hours time I talked to complete strangers about how to dress up a walking cane, about good books, about travel, movies, family, homelessness and trees, all of which was right after a therapy session. I talked to a woman about her time in Alaska, of course that lead to discussions of global warming. We talked about how expensive it is to go green. After that I talked to a man about his family reunions and about being from a family of 12 children with over a hundred relatives from his immediate family - all will be here this holiday season. After that I came home to my own chaos but that didn’t last very long because I chatted a bit with Barney who is feeling rather down about not getting a lot of Christmas cards this season. The entire time I spoke to these 4 different people I was aware of each and every thing around me, every sound, and every single solitary movement, theirs mine and things in my immediate environment.
It’s so hard to shut my brain off. For me, having the PTSD symptom of hypervigilance is like watching a movie on fast-forward but still seeing each and every frame. I either respond to it or cast it off as unimportant. I process so much sensorial-ly with the sole purpose of detecting threats and keeping one step ahead of them. I do it automatically. I don’t think to myself consciously, “Is there a threat here, is there a threat there?” My hypervigilance isn’t a conscious decision. With information from therapists about this behavioral response to trauma I’m better able to understand why I do what I do. Even with information this symptom is hard to live with.
I’m thinking, always thinking, always seeing. I hear and see non-stop which can quickly exhaust a person both physically and emotionally. Exhausted is exactly how I felt when I spoke to those people today but exhausted didn’t stop the symptom. It seems to have it’s own energy. It’s underlying energy source (PTSD) needs to be cut off, which is why I’m in therapy.
For a short and to the point definition of hypervigilance see the wiki on it.
Austin’s August
Hypervigilance
Friday, December 21, 2007-10:51PM EST
I so understand. I’m always on alert. My head is always looking around and taking in my surroundings. The littlest things get my attention. It’s damn annoying too. Understanding why I’m like that helps some. But it’s still damn frustrating.
A friend used to tell me that the reason I get so exhausted around other people is that I’m introverted. Somehow this conclusion about me didn’t seem to ring true. I do have parts who are introverted, but not all of them are by any means.
After reading this post, I get it. The more people I’m around the more intense my hypervigilism. It makes perfect sense. No wonder I’m so drained when I’ve spent time with others. Chronic Fatigue is only part of it.
Me three. It explains why the holidays are super exhausting. Lots of extra stress and being out of routine. I’m always planning, always thinking - what if someone does this - where is the escape route? All the “group” activities this time of year are tiring too.
Humm. I can understand this. I don’t observe for threats, but have been told that I am extremely MOOD sensitive. I notice subtle changes in character and body language. It does give me a heads-up if something is about to happen, but I don’t think this is the same thing that you speak of. I don’t look for threats, nor do I look for escape routes. But I do beat people to the punch which in turn scares them.
I can see how this can effect people. It can be tiring, always on edge. I hope you got some rest.
I refer to it as “always being on red alert.” Part of it is due to my line of work. I have to be vigilant, even if I nap (which, technically, I’m not supposed to but shit happens) in case the pager goes off or the phone rings. But the other part is PTSD. I haven’t slept in a bed in years. I sleep on the couch. I used to always have nightmares about people trying to come in. Those have eased up. But I’m still on red alert all the time. I don’t think my brain ever rests.
OMG I hate this so much. Aside from panic attacks, it is the most exhausting thing about PTSD for me. I can take NOTHING at face value, seemingly. It is such a stretch for me to avoid thinking that the other shoe is going to drop or that things might not go to total shit. And I hate it that I get startled so easily; I physically jump when unexpected things happen. My muscles are constantly wound up like springs. Does anyone really get over this? I have made a lot of progress in many areas, but none here. It responds to nothing I try.
Hypervigilance will save your life! I think we all know that. Some of us have developed skills in threat detection that ought be the nevy of people in really perilous jobs. We are soldiers, whether we like it or not and our responses have taken on the same level of assessment as the military, the police and a lot o the gangs out there who have been exposed to similar threats. Its important to consider that RUC syndrome is just the gungho version of PTSD and they prolly experience that. when the door opens we feel the draft on our ankles, a breeze means a window has opened, the sounds of the locks springing can only be yours, because you know what your neighbours souns like. We establish a radial threat matrix working from where we sit/sleep to where the sounds we recognise are, then out to others, to frequent patterns that aree neighbours 80 yards away, all of these things. For me they begin the route to agony because my back seizes more and more wi more perceived threats. Countries pay millions of dollars to have people as well ‘trained’as us. I’ve always let my head do this qualification and quantification of threats. Its horrid you go to the mall and everyone has to go thru your personalised bio-fotography, just so you feel squared away. The hardest thing to do is deal with peeps close to you who notice the patterns
My sympathies are with all of you, and may you never struggle to have your infernal vigilance confused, or misdiagnosed as paranoia and delusions, and schizophreniform psychotic. Dont let procrustean shrinks fit you up for what you aint got, tell your friends, get a second opinion and stay safe my peeps.
I can so relate to what everyone said about hypervigilance! I also feel like I have no idea how to shut my brain off. I seem to be on constant high alert. I know the source of my PTSD for not how to convince my psyche that I am no longer in a place/position where I have to be constantly scanning and mornitoring everyone and everything around me. What was once a survival skill is now a problem in terms of feeling like I have not idea how to just relax! If anyone suggests I meditatate, in my head, I say “Yeah, right!” I’d love to be able to but…………
There are a few positives to being so hypervigilant. I easily sense people’s moods and can easily help others and “know” what I can say that might help them feel better. Also, as a teacher, I hear and see pretty much everything that goes on in the classroom no matter what I’m doing. But, like someone else said, it’s exhausting!
Also, for health reasons, I NEED to rest and relax right now and am NOT doing well with it! Another “down side” is insomnia. I never learned to calm my overactive brain and relax enough to fall asleep naturally. Any time I have ever had surgery (some serious, some not), I am extremely had to anestizie (sp?) and have been known to “wake up” in the middle of the procedure! I just put this together the other day–that this, too, is likely to be because my brain refuses to be “out of control” and says, “I have to wake up and know what’s going on!”
I hope this gets posted. But, even if it doesn’t, it helped me to write about it and read about other people’s similar experiences.