Monthly Archive for December, 2007

Page 4 of 6

Waiting For The Wind To Change

Published on December 17, 2007 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD, Relationships, Soapbox and Therapy. 4 Comments

The problem is that we like Maureen better than we like Robert. Just as when the little boy walked into the cafeteria during a party and everyone left, so all progress stops when Robert is around. Well, not all, he’s productive when it comes to artwork. At least his artwork sells. The thing is, Maureen we’ve complained about eating frozen meals and left overs. We’ve talked like spoiled brats about how we can’t believe we’ve been reduced to potato flakes and TV dinners. The truth is, it’s not the good food we miss, it’s the fact that we know Maureen love us and that’s why she does what she does. That’s why she’s the picture perfect black version of Mrs. Cleaver. She cooks and cleans like nobody’s business. Her attention to detail for us means she cares.

Going out to dinner, having a table a hundred others have eaten from meant nothing to us as a child. who cares if the places were expensive. Who cares? There was nothing special about it. That table belonged to everyone and no one, the same as us. Continue reading ‘Waiting For The Wind To Change’

Who Me?

Published on December 17, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Relationships, Soapbox and Therapy. 1 Comment

Soft spoken, shy, who me, Joan? Um, no, not me but that’s what Dr. D asked me today. Hmm. I wonder how he wasn’t able to tell the difference between me and Maureen. He says he knows Robert because Robert is cocky. We laughed. Yeah, he can be, nothing to argue there. When he asks who he’s talking to we stumble, stutter, we switch a good three times before getting back to the original person the question was directed at. It feels so fake, like I’m lying when I say, “I’m Joan” yet I can say the names of everyone in this system and see them just as real as anything, but me? Well, not me, not real. If you ask Maureen to say her name out loud she’ll do the same thing, stumble, stutter and feel like a fake, a liar, a pretender. Continue reading ‘Who Me?’

Dreams: Shirtless and Shoes

Published on December 17, 2007 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Relationships and Therapy. 0 Comments

Stuff in last nights dream: a little duck in the throat of his mother looking out through skin thin. He could breathe; he was okay, just looking out. When she sensed danger she squawked then swam away.

In the same dream I was in the cafeteria of one of my elementary schools. It was after hours. There was a party being hosted by a student. No faculty was around. When a small blonde boy walked in the student announced that he was bad news and the party was over. The boy was all of 8 years old and had no clue why the room cleared just because he walked in. (I see connections to our Robert in this part.) It seems that we as a system stop functioning, scatter when he’s around. He has a clue though and it makes him feel horrible. The boy in the dream grabbed a sleeping bag and put up a tent right there in the cafeteria. Everyone was gone but me and him. I slept in my own tent in my own bag across the room, watching him curiously. Continue reading ‘Dreams: Shirtless and Shoes’

Still Here

Published on December 15, 2007 in For the Record. 3 Comments

I’m still out here. I don’t have much to say but I’m still out here. I’ve slept most of the day away. I went for a short nap at 5:30PM and didn’t wake until 1:10AM. I’m going to have a sandwich and go back to bed. I’m really, really tired. It happens from time to time.

Random Memory Friday: Firsts

Published on December 13, 2007 in For the Record and Gratitude Journal. 6 Comments Tags: .

I remember the first time I fell in love. He was a boy named Danny that I was sure to marry. His mother and my mother talked about how our little curly headed kids would terrorize the world. I was deeply in love at what age 10?

I remember the first time I had that funny feeling in my stomach while watching John Cougar Mellancamp dance on MTV singing with his guitar. I said, “Mama why does my stomach feel like all funny when I watch him dance?” “It’s excitement she said.” I was embarrassed. That was my sophomore year in high school.

Continue reading ‘Random Memory Friday: Firsts’

New Paintings

Published on December 13, 2007 in Art. 2 Comments

The Sitting

For a detailed view visit her page on Sundrip.com

Longing Flower

For a detailed view visit her page on Sundrip.com .

Moon Women

Published on December 13, 2007 in For the Record. 3 Comments

To answer your question Beauty, I’m reading Moon Women. So far so good. The writer hasn’t upset me like the writer of Fall On Your Knees did by killing off 4 characters in the span of three pages. The way two of them happened made me think the writer hangs out with Caleb Carr. I liked the mother Ann-Marie MacDonald killed off and I can’t believe how the daughter died. It was crap, just crap. I stopped reading the book and cursed Ann-Marie something awful then Oprah for suggesting the book. How could you?!! Okay, moving along……

Moon Women by Pamela Duncan was a book I used in the waiting room to kill time before therapy but its so good that it’s moved to one I give more attention to. So, it’s a “in my reading chair with a cup of coffee” type book. Its about a mother and sisters from the North Carolina foothills that were once estranged due to family issues but get back together due to family issues. The central character appears to be the mother who is lame and is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She can be so dang on rude and hostile but from what I can tell it has nothing to do with her condition. Anyway though, it appears despite her sometimes horrible comments and stubborn ways she will teach lessons everyone needs to learn.

Despite the writing being that of poor grammar used by the characters the book is pure eloquence. I find myself smiling. I look forward to the next page. Now if she goes off killing 4 characters within the span of three pages like you know who then the book will be food for my fireplace…. but so far so good. I was not pleased.

Note to survivors: As far as triggers for survivors, there’s been no hitting, no physical abuse, no assault or anything like that. I’m still in the early stages of the book though. The main trigger might be the mother who is grumpy, stubborn and sometimes offensive in speech. She goes beyond blunt right into what we today call emotionally abusive and what they called back then “that’s just how she is, mean and angry but we love her.” However I have a feeling her personal story will be as intriguing as the experiences of the less offensive characters so that Moon Women finishes off as an exceptional read.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the aroma of coffee is calling, my best pooch waits anxiously to warm my feet by Lazy Boy where Moon Women lays longing to be read.

until again,
Austin – exit stage left