Sundrip Journals
I’m on vacation. I plan to hang out in my PJ’s, read, sleep, read, do a movie marathon, sleep some more then start back doing the real life thing Friday afternoon. I’ll check in or something. I won’t just go MIA. I don’t know if the entries will be meaningful or not but I shall check in. Starting yesterday afternoon I am on vacation.
Thank you everyone for your support. It is much appreciated.
Austin
It’s not your fault. Since I don’t celebrate Christmas I can honestly say I’m having a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit. LOL. I’m annoyed by the “oh you’re so happy” and “your family is wonderful” type commercials. It gets on my nerves. It reminds me that my family is NOT loving and they are NOT going to give diamonds …they’re going to throw stones.
Just once I’d like to see a commercial show exactly how many feel about Christmas. I’d like to see a mother stressed walk in from work with her house a mess, two kids tossing cheetos at one another and her threaten to not give them Christmas if they don’t stop it. They giggle and the commercial cuts to a toy advert. That’s more real than this other stuff I keep seeing.
It’s the family thing, little girls dressed perfectly, little boys in suits as such gentlemen, fathers and mothers in their pretty little houses reading a book by the fire place. How on earth can anyone actually get in the mood for such a fantasy? With abuse stats the way they are many women and men struggle around this time because they’re seeing the ideal family, one that is commercially made to be. Its depressing to see perfect chestnuts roasting on an open fire when what the viewer remembers from their childhood is fear and pain. Maybe for the holidays fear and pain stopped. I’ve heard of it. So if this doesn’t apply to you then you’re lucky. But if it does just know that not getting in the Christmas spirit doesn’t make you an ogre. There are so many triggers for those who celebrate and those who do not most of the time it has to do with the false idea of family happiness as seen and heard in every store, every radio station, ever commercial, every single solitary TV show. If you have it in your face that you should be happy right now but you’re not what else are you to feel but guilt? Take it easy on yourselves.
Last but not least, realize that a disability does not stop for holidays. If you have CFS, Lupus, RA, PTSD, OCD, DID, etc these disorders and illnesses don’t go, “hey, ya know, it’s Christmas I should take a day off.” We may want them to but they don’t. Be gentle with yourself and with others. For those who have loved ones with illnesses please remember if they could they’d turn it off like a light switch.
Later tatters,
Austin
In a very short period of time I’ve had some major triggers the first of was the experience at Kroger’s where Barney’s car broke down and it threw me back to the time my mother left me at the store because she said she was going to kill herself.
We admitted that we sometimes asked the mother to hit us because we needed the pain. We’re still struggling with having told you that.
In the last few weeks of therapy we’ve covered a few details not just general stuff but details about the physical abuse of the mother. We’ve talked about the uncle and his sexual abuse, about the cousin Wolfe, about my sister and my aunts.
We spoke briefly about my short marriage to a stranger.
I’ve been dealing with some physical problems and sleep disturbances
I’m watching my dog deteriorate.
I’m saddened by the family dedication my roommate has and wonder why no one ever loved me like he loves his daughters, son and grandchildren. I want that.
I’m lonely.
I’m afraid.
I feel like I’m wasting my life and that there are too many therapy issues to sort through, stuff that may not get resolved enough for me to truly have happy periods in my life.
I’m haunted by nightmares.
I’m tortured by flashbacks where I can feel her hitting me.
I think I might be crazy.
We gave details about Robert’s history and what his life was like and what he experienced with the mother on a torture level. Robert being forward more and working on his stuff has thrown us off a bit. We feel and see his experiences. His guilt for what he feels he’s putting this system through is strong. Robert has the right to heal too.
I tell you we are suicidal BEFORE it gets to the point where I’m not interested in your help. I tell you before so that it doesn’t get to the point where reason isn’t possible. Somehow I feel I need to justify why I’m feeling so overwhelmed and why suicidal ideation has come up. You haven’t asked for justification but in my head I seem to need to justify why this has come up. You mentioned that I only tell you after the sessions that I go home and vomit or I go home and I can’t function. Sitting in your office I can’t just come out and say it because I’m too busy trying to keep it together. It isn’t that I’m trying to withhold. I’m trying to maintain. I’m trying not to curl up in a corner. The other thing is, I’m stuck in the same “don’t respond”, “don’t show fear or anxiety” mode. I did that as a child and as a teen. I did it as a domestic violence victim. No response, no facial expression, no clue that on the inside I’m dying of fear, anxiety and hopelessness. Dr. D I’m trying. At least I do tell you these things are happening. I may not be able to tell you in the session but you will hear it. Maybe we can work on me being able to tell you. Perhaps we can do a check in type thing and I might be able to verbalize how I’m feeling about our discussion. Right now I’m too conditioned to shut down and not respond. I’m going to need a little help to re-learn that expression can be safe.
Service animals – PSYCHIATRIC
The Psychiatric Service Dog Society (PSDS)
This link here gives a description of what the PSDS can teach a psych dog to do for people living with major depression, bipolar disorder, panic, anxiety, agoraphobia, social phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, dissociative identity disorder, schizophrenia. ****Also includes Psychiatric Service Dogs for Veterans****
Service Dog Tasks for Psychiatric Service Dogs
Detailed list of what a psychiatric service dog can do for a person with for panic disorder, PTSD, depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, etc. Among these tasks are: go get medication, deliver a note to a person stating you need help, assist out of emotional overload where the person has shut down or severely dissociated, help ease panic attacks. One lady said on TV that her dog helps her manage reality in that if he’s not barking at the person she sees in the window then she can have her mind a little eased that no one has come to hurt her. He helps her manage anxiety and reason in her mind that she’s hallucinating. If the dog isn’t attacking then there isn’t anyone really there. She can take steps to calm and gather herself. PSYCHIATRIC SERVICE DOGS WORK!!
Prescription Protocols for Psychiatric Service Dogs
This is another list of what service animals can do, it’s short and to the point. It covers the same disorders as the service above but also includes Depersonalization Disorder.
Circle Tail provides dogs for hearing impaired, psychiatric service dogs, mobility impaired, as well as neurological disorders. They provide adoptions, training and boarding.
Low, low cost training ranged from $3 (three) to $75 (seventy five). This is in the downtown Cincinnati, Ohio area.
Commentary
According to the American’s With Disabilities Act a service animal is an animal that gives assistance in some way to a person with a disability. Check your state for more details. Currently in the state of Indiana cats can legally be considered service animals but you can not take them in public with you like you can a dog. In Indiana if you have a cat as a service animal a letter from your doctor makes him/her legal meaning no deposit and no extra payment each month. However, to take advantage of this by attempting to get 5 or 6 cats as legal service animals will cause complaints from renters and force Indiana to change its laws thereby hurting others. Use this law with consideration for everyone.
Service animals – PYSICAL AND NEUROLOGICAL
Susquehanna Service Dogs – International, also in 26 US States. Balance, hearing and companion only, no psychiatric service dogs. Clients may apply for a need-based scholarship.
Indiana Canine Assistance Network – Downtown Indianapolis canine network for service animals focusing on physical disabilities only.
Release Dogs – highly trained dogs that didn’t pass the final test in the time given available for adoption as in home companion animals.
Helpful Service Animal Links
The Animal Law and History Web Center
Detailed Discussion of Assistance Animal Laws
National Council for Support of Disability Issues
FACTS:
I hope these will be helpful to you.
Note on cats as service animals: The American’s With Disabilities Act is written in such a way that allows for cats to be used as service animals. You can not be charged extra rent nor can you be charged a deposit the same as with a service dog. This law is federal and supersedes local laws and policies. Policy is not law.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Bern Williams
My therapist called me back and we spoke for about 30 min. He asked if I wanted to come in that day. I said No and I don’t plan on coming in on Monday either. I need a breather cause therapy is hard right now. I felt like I needed to step back in order to have the energy to keep going forward so I wanted Monday off. He said to keep my options open until Monday and if I wanted to cancel then I could with no charge. I told him when I say I’m coming in I’m coming in, if I say I’m not I’m not. He still said, leave it open so I dropped it……. all the while knowing I’m not coming in. I told you that damn it….. but there’s no sense in arguing about it. Later that day I talked to someone who gave me a tad bit of insight into what I told him. I basically said to Dr. D “I’m calling you because I’m suicidal but I’d like to cancel my next appointment.”
I never saw it that way. What I meant was because I’m so overwhelmed I’d like to step back for one session and catch my breath because doing so may help me get off this ledge I feel like jumping over. I didn’t figure in his point of view though. It’s good to know when I need to step back but the way I worded it, when I used the “s” word that changed things. This is why reaching out to friends is helpful, they can give you a different perspective on things. So, even thought I was emphatic about canceling on Monday “man I just said I’m not coming” for the sake of damage control I’ll make my appearance. I’ll take Wednesday off then start back regularly the next Monday. That’s a nice little 4 day week end for me where I can catch my breath and still not appear manipulative.
Destiny
I don’t know what my problem is but I’m tearful at the drop of a hat, suicidal, angry, easily annoyed. I’m not a crier but it doesn’t take much to drive me to snotting all over the place. I have no idea what’s wrong w/ me. I seem to have so little control. Why do I cry so easily now and so hard? It doesn’t make any sense to me why I’d respond with tears to everything….not every little thing but I seem to be overly emotional these days. I sang a song to a friend today, dropped tears. I’m about to go to bed, dropping more tears, ready to end it all. It makes no sense to me why I’d be so emotionally taxed right now. Yes, therapy is hard, it’s always hard so what the hell is the problem? I can go back and look at the time when it started. I tend to think that I’d stop snotting up a storm since it’s been over but …. I don’t know. Last month was so up and down it was crazy. One minute I’m in a flashback at the store, the next I sell a painting, then I get featured on Redbubble, then something else devastating happened, then another feature on Redbubble. I do believe I hit high and low so often last month that it made middle ground seem foreign. Perhaps I’m just exhausted from then. Maybe not having meds for over a month has helped with that too. I’m in the middle of trying to get a new pdoc.
I don’t rock back and forth. I catch myself and make myself stop. But I pace. I shake my leg in bed when I didn’t use to. I stutter more often, can’t think of my words, can’t follow simple instructions or pronounce words correctly. Then there’s the ever functional Joan who makes this all seem like such a friggin lie. She too is on her last leg cause we’re tired.
One good thing I can think of is that the therapists office didn’t just tell us we wouldn’t be able to do the PTSD research thing. Since we weren’t able to hold the pencil for 160 some questions a lady worker volunteered to do fill in the dots on the sheet for us. What normally takes people an hour and a half took us 25 min tops. I read the question to myself then told her true or false. She marked the dots, that’s it. I go back the 21st for some sort of interview then in 4 to 6 weeks they send me a hundred bucks. Had she not been willing to fill in the dots for me I wouldn’t have a check coming. It’ll show up in the nick of time too. Who knows what need will get met with that. It was a true blessing for her to volunteer to fill in those blanks. I was so upset thinking about getting passed over because I couldn’t’ hold the friggin pencil. Not an issue now. I really appreciated that.
Since suicide has been on our mind lately we put a call in to the therapist at his office just now. He’ll call us back tomorrow I’m sure. I called because I don’t want to slip. I don’t want to forget that I have plans for a future.
Me
I saw the original movie Without A Trace as a child. It always struck me that he was doing everyday things when his life changed and his mom’s life changed so quickly. Most of what I remember about the movie is the scene where the officer makes good on a follow up lead and finds the boy serving an older lady. I remember all of those police cars driving over a bridge with their lights on, sirens going, the little boy rescued. I also remember thinking that was the kind of rescue I wanted. I wanted someone to care enough to send an entire police force to escort me, in fan fair, in dramatic display to escort me to the safest place in the world.
I watch the TV show Without A Trace because they tirelessly look for lost souls. They reunite them with loved ones and usually the ending is one I can live with. I think that’s pretty much what people want in life, an ending they can live with.
Austin’s August
Without A Trace-Thursday, December 06, 2007-10:58PM EST
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