The People Behind My Eyes

Dear Roommate and other men on the planet:

You should know by now when a woman says, “I’ll only be in Wal-mart a few minutes” that it means an hour or longer. By the time a male reaches six years old he should have a firm understanding of the female’s thought process once she steps into Wal-mart. If you are over the age of six you should know this so why must you bitch and moan when we spend longer than “just a few minutes” in Wally World?” And must you follow so closely behind us huffing and puffing? It doesn’t make us go faster. As a matter of fact some of the more passive aggressive types might take even longer. I’m not saying I would do that. I’m just saying some might.

Mr. Roommate, you’re 63 years old juggling three senior citizen girlfriends. Despite looking like Barney Fife you’re quite the womanizer which means you spend countless amounts of time at dinner, movies and theatrical productions. You run errands, put together book shelves and other so-called do it yourself projects. You seem to understand or at least yield to the complexities of women without complaint. But when it comes to this one factor you just can’t seem to grasp it. “Just a few minutes” in relation to Wal-mart means an hour or longer. Get over it. Either sit in the car and shut up OR read a book, go get some lunch, check out the sporting goods department, the tools, something. But for the love of Pete quit your bitchin’.

Your math skills are tremendous. You’ve taught Calculus, Algebra and other forms of math as well as Physics on a college level for years now. Do you mean to tell me you can’t put two and two together on this one? Women + Wal-mart = time. Suck it up! Be a man. Quit your bitchin’.

Sincerely,
The Stereotype

For those interested in the wonderful sales I got yesterday here they are:

I got 4 new shirts. I had to try them on because if I brought them home and they didn’t fit it would mean going back to Wally World to return them. I would have to find more shirts (which means time) then I’d have to try them on (which means more time). So, I figured I’d go ahead and “nip it in the bud” as the Fife would say and try them on right then and there. Well, I mean, I went to the dressing room. I didn’t strip right there in aisle eight or anything. I’m a shopper not a stripper. So, I tried on the shirts and got all 4 at $3 each. They’re long sleeve shirts that will do well for therapy. Yeah, I’m actually in therapy but not for being a shopaholic. I need long sleeve shirts to feel a little safer in a vulnerable setting so yeah, I got all four of them.

The other great sale was in the isle for off season items. I passed up the Christmas trees and the ornaments and went straight for the candles. They sold 12 inch tapers for 5 cents each. I snagged a dollars worth. Then I went and got a baseball cap, 50 lbs of dog food, 18 lbs of cat food, 28 lbs of cat litter, and several other items. What did I pay? After 3 coupons I paid less than $50 for all of it. Oh yeah. I felt victorious. On the way home as Barney Fife huffed and puffed my victory over high prices shone above me like a halo…. like a light from heaven….like a star in a black sky…like a beacon to ships lost at sea…like….

Dear Roommate and other men,
If you can’t see the beauty in the low prices above please return to Mars. Your spaceship is waiting. This Venus is in heaven cause I got great stuff at incredible prices.

Sincerely,
The Stereotype aka Joan of Arc

Footnote:

Let me get rich or financially secure and I’ll never set foot in Wally World again. I find them morally repulsive but financially they help me out quite a bit. I trade needs for immoral business practices because at this point its necessary. It’s hard not to feel bad when I go in there.

Quit Your Bitchin’-Saturday, January 05, 2008-1:59PM EST