. 
. 
. 
.
It’s been an unpleasant few weeks of therapy which kind of is why I’ve been a little on the quiet side. He wants to know more details because he says they’ll help to desensitize their impact on me. Talking about things in detail instead of just generalizing things is one major reason why my dissociation is sky high and why my anxiety is right there to match it. He and I are trying to keep it manageable and keep me safe while going over stuff like this. So far I haven’t tossed my cookies in therapy. It’s hard, showing up is hard, coming home is hard…it’s just hard.
Maureen and Robert did an exercise together. Robert drew a line then Maureen drew one, on and on like that until it was just too overwhelming for Maureen to finish. Morton picked up where the two of them left off. I believe Robert filled in the colour and added the colour code in the writing to our therapist. I believe Austin wrote some of it or contributed to the writing. Funny how I can read over that and by the time I get to the end I don’t remember what it says. I talked about how one memory I just can’t verify, the part about my hands above my head I can’t verify but the basement itself I surely can.
I think I forgot to tell Dr. D that the reason Robert is out so much when we go there is because if he was going to hurt any of us the one able to take it is Robert. He’s the only one strong enough of us to actually be able to be hurt again and still live.
So, this is why we’ve been a bit quiet. Therapy is a bit much. I come home pretty wiped out, angry, easily irritated and all that jazz. I go back and forth between safe and unsafe so I just keep doodling or painting on the PC. I should not over use my hands like I am but I figured I’d choose the lesser evil. I can have serious hand pain OR be too idle and end up cutting or something like that. I’ve been pushing it with the doodling thing but my skin is still un-torn. Sometimes, boy many times, it seems …… I’d rather just cut.
I was right about him not having any children. When he looked at pictures of me as a kid he looked at them as a therapist and not as a father that happens to be a therapist.
Joan
God I remember those days in my therapist’s office. I shudder thinking about them. Part of me thinks it would be good for me to work with somebody right now, but part of me thinks it wouldn’t. It’s really a moot point since there’s nobody here to work with.
I want to commend you on not cutting. I know how hard it is. I’ve been struggling with it the last few days too. The RSI in my right wrist is getting worse because the only thing that keeps me from cutting is focusing my mind on something totally different. So I’ve been doing some programming. The typing is really getting to me though.
I could tell by the lack of issues related posts that you too are struggling. I’ve been worried about you.
Austin
That is good insight about Robert. I am sorry about this painful time, but I know you know it is pain with a purpose, a good and healing purpose.
Therapy is very hard work. I’m glad you are persisting in it, and it sounds like your therapist is a good one.
I’ve been there and can relate to the days when I congratulated myself on not “tossing my cookies” in therapy but being able to wait until I got home.
Keep hanging in there on not cutting. It’s so hard to resist, and I can also relate to overdoing it. My carpal tunnel took a turn for the worse when I was in the beginning of trying not to SI.
Keep up the good work!
i understand regarding the therapy … here are a few hugs for you, when you are ready to receive them. {{{hugs}}}
Thanks for sharing these journal excerpts in your own writing. I too am glad to hear you’re not cutting. I can only imagine how hard therapy must be for you at times. I wasn’t in therapy long enough to dig down deep, though for the short time I had a therapist it was really painful work and something which I absolutely hated doing.
I admire your tenacity, and honesty about your struggles.
It IS hard, I know. I’m right there with ya, friend.