As long as my mouth is open I’m okay. I may laugh or rant and rave but as long as I’m talking I’m okay. It’s when I get quiet that I start to worry myself. I’ve noticed when I’m angry, really angry, my behavior changes. I get quiet (red flag for me). I lean to the right, cross my legs, the right tightly over the left. My chin is held by my left hand covering only part of my mouth. My fingers are extended, one finger on my temple the others half way covering my mouth. Eye contact is good. I’m searching the person’s face for some slight up turning of the mouth to indicate that they’re just kidding, they couldn’t possibly be this offensive seriously. If I could get you to burst out laughing and go, “Gottach!” I could at least take a deep breath before giving a good cussing I’d give to anyone who pranked me.
Dr. D did something new for me in therapy. I’ve always done talk therapy and had very few therapists that wanted anything other than talk therapy. Wednesday when a little one couldn’t tell him what she needed to verbally he let her draw it. It was really cool that he let her do that. I don’t think I can go there right now because just as I said it my mouth got all watery with that strong salty taste. I can say that I’m very satisfied with this therapist….which means he’s going somewhere. Lord knows I don’t trust that he’ll stay but for now I do have him and I plan to benefit as much as possible. But it seems like I’m more overwhelmed than usual. Instead of my usual blogging and all that I’m quiet. I’m sleeping. I’m withdrawn. The major difference is the kind of therapy I’m doing. Most of my therapy has been spent managing symptoms, getting coping skills together and ultimately getting away from my mother. Only in the last few years have I actually talked about what happened and only in the last few months have I sat face to face with someone and given more than a general idea of what it was like to live with her. This all seems so different. I mean, before I just said the mother abused me physically and sexually. Back then there were no real details attached to it. This therapy seems more intense and it stays with me and brings up so much rage that I can’t even see straight. I don’t consider myself a runner. I like to think I’d face most things head on but this….well, I feel myself running and I feel myself truly ready to toss the towel in.
It feels like one thing to speak in general about the abuse but it’s a whole different story to talk about it in detail. I’m not just frazzled I’m worn out and I feel beaten down by the slightest things anymore.
My mother use to say that when she laid in bed she tried really hard to slip away and just let herself go, let herself die. She said it was possible to do that. I think that would be nice, to just close my eyes and not wake up.
When I’m Angry and Tired
Friday, January 18, 2008
Hang in there. It is horribly hard to go from the “mom married a man who was innapropriate with children” to the details of what happens. I’ve still only really done it in written form and rarely spoken outloud about it. (shudders to think about it). Getting it out there though, even if only in written form, has helped with healing. It has been a positive thing. So keep hanging in there and moving forward.
Woo-hoo for Dr. D and going with the drawing. I assume you’ve talked to him about the toll this therapy is taking on you — see what he suggests about changing the pace or anything?
We victims of child abuse spend the rest of our lives paying the piper, footing the bill for the cost to our souls and hearts.
I know that speaking the details of your particular truth must be terrifying and shaming–and all sorts of things. I don’t know that I could do it. The fact that you even try speaks volumes regarding your desire to get beyond all this. You have a therapist who is willing to try different ways of making it possible for you to let out the truth; what a relief it must be to find such a rare gem. (Though of course there is always the fear that he too will abandon you.)
I don’t know the right thing to say here except to commend you for doing what you’re doing in continuing to be honest with yourself, your therapist, and your readers who are invested in the outcome of your personal story line.
I wanted to go back over some of the stuff I brought into Dr. D this last session. In reading your comments I somehow missed the very last line of what you said Beauty. People have an invested interest in the outcome of my personal story. That’s wild, really it is. I don’t even know if I can wrap my brain around that.