My home has always been a sanctuary type place, just like the closets I hid out in as a child. They use to say if you couldn’t find me just start looking in the closet. I spend a lot of time hiding. I spend a lot of time making sure I’m covered from head to toe. I don’t even turn the light on when I use the restroom and I shower in the dark.
I told the driver that despite having a car I’ll still take a cab to therapy. I’m usually pretty good about knowing when to put the keys down. I don’t drive to or from therapy.
We talked about my anniversary coming up and about the days leading up to it. In my head I saw her holding the upper part of my body out of the window. I’m looking down. She’s yelling something but I can’t really hear her. I’m thinking to myself, “This is the last time this is ever going to happen.”
We talked about cutting and how it’s a waste of his breath to tell me not to. I’m almost protective of it in a “it’s mine you can’t have it” kind of way.”
I showed him my new gloves and little rabbit thing that the little ones like. She’s the kind you can nuke. She smells like lavender. We showed him the ladybug that we carry with us. He held his hand out to see it closer and we snatched it back. Mine! a little one said inside. Oops. It was obvious that we didn’t want him to hold it. He asked why. I told him cause a little one was close and she didn’t want him to have it. Had he asked to hold it despite our objection we would have handed it to him.
For some reason through the entire session I just wanted to burst out laughing. While telling him about cutting I wanted to burst out laughing. There was a giggle that just seemed to need to reach my mouth and burst out roaring. I have no idea why.
I held the little baby again today. She’s 4 months old now. I even got marked aka spit up on. She’s too sweet. Her mother commented on how comfortable she was in my arms. Little Emma is too sweet. I think I first held her at 2 months. My goodness she’s getting big. When Barney saw the spot on my shirt and I told him how it got there he said, “Oh you made a baby throw up?” He made a motion like I was squeezing the baby. I said to him, “I’m never talking to you again.” and walked away in a pretend huff. He called after me, “Idle threat.” ……Well I never……
The guy that I thought died isn’t really dead. It’s another one of those thing I should have verified first. I use to ride past him on the school bus. I looked forward to seeing him. Today on the way to therapy the cab driver slammed his breaks on and pointed to a man on the corner waving and dancing. Everyone in their cars looking at him smiled so big. It was actually him. I couldn’t believe it. It’s been years since I’ve seen him. I thought the guy died. I regretted never getting out of my car to dance with him.
Closets, Hiding and Ownership
Monday, January 21, 2008-4:30PM EST
Another closet hider… I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who does that.
I’ve done it a few times — usually the basement, though. The closet was the time when I was so freaked out by how I was treating Amy that day.
My fort was my closet, same thing except it had the advantage of being outside where neighboring split level homes could see right into it. No wonder the stepdad never attacked me there!
I often feel the need to giggle for no reason I can fathom. I assume it’s one of my parts who seem to exist for the sole purpose of laughing when life gets too stressful.
Or maybe you just had gas? Sorry, bad joke.
I feel like taking a survey on how many of us hid in the closet as a kid. (Okay, I admit it, I still do this sometimes. Probably not too many people that would want to answer THAT survey.)
I’m sorry you’re feeling the need to cut and you’re going through such a rough time. But, I commend you for taking care of yourself–I love the sound of that lavender rabbit and I’m glad you know when it’s not a good time to drive.