Dr. D asked what it feels like to know he worries about me. I said I worry that it means he’ll want me to go in the hospital. I said it makes me want to tell him I have a plan to keep myself safe. I also told him that worrying about someone to me means the worrier realizes a person has limits and that they may be getting very close to that limit. My experience has been that the phrase “you’re strong” prevents any real help from actually getting to me. That phrase means to me that people think I can handle this when I can’t. Do we worry about the strong, not as much as we do those who we know are shaken and battered. It’s the overall view of strength that ends up blocking help. If I am viewed as strong then I am less likely to have assistance, it’s a fact. Even strong people have their limits and I’m reaching mine very quickly. I told him that. To hear he worries says to me he knows I’m not an endless source of strength and that he doesn’t plan to just leave me out here to struggle with these flashbacks on my own. I appreciate that. Continue reading ‘“You’re Strong”’
Daily Archive for January 24th, 2008
Five years ago I would have emphatically given a negative response to the question, “Are you an angry person?” but over time that answer has changed.
Four years ago- “Well, I mean you know, I feel anger like anyone else I suppose.”
Three years ago- “I might feel a little more anger than one might accept as normal.”
Two years- “I have anger issues.”
One year- “I feel a lot of anger.”
This year, last month, this month, this week, yesterday, today -
“I’m pissed. My sarcasm shows it, the pressure behind my eyes show it, the tightly bound muscles in my neck, my back and my shoulders reflect the anger and anxiety I feel. The answer to the question is a definite “Yes, I’m angry.”
What do I plan to do about that? Do I plan to change it? Not right now, no. For the first time in a very long time I can say I’m angry and not have to justify it. I can express it in better ways than I have but I CAN express it. I don’t have to accept the belief that I can be angry as long as I hide it. I’m angry. There it is, I’m angry.
How Angry Am I?
Thursday, January 24, 2008-2:52PM EST
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