Dr. D asked what it feels like to know he worries about me. I said I worry that it means he’ll want me to go in the hospital. I said it makes me want to tell him I have a plan to keep myself safe. I also told him that worrying about someone to me means the worrier realizes a person has limits and that they may be getting very close to that limit. My experience has been that the phrase “you’re strong” prevents any real help from actually getting to me. That phrase means to me that people think I can handle this when I can’t. Do we worry about the strong, not as much as we do those who we know are shaken and battered. It’s the overall view of strength that ends up blocking help. If I am viewed as strong then I am less likely to have assistance, it’s a fact. Even strong people have their limits and I’m reaching mine very quickly. I told him that. To hear he worries says to me he knows I’m not an endless source of strength and that he doesn’t plan to just leave me out here to struggle with these flashbacks on my own. I appreciate that.
Our plan for safety is to make sure we don’t stay in bed all day. We have to eat something substantial. Although I hate to I’ll turn the lights on. I intend to make a few more votives. I have a little stuffed doll that I’m making. I’ll take the clonapin regularly instead of hit and miss. I intend to break out the large paper and poster paints so I can finger paint when I need to. I love the big body movements involved in large scale painting. I don’t have to try and hold a brush for a long time with finger painting. Large scale painting is a great anxiety reliever for me.
I also need to make plans for my future. Instead of just making sure I survive today and this evening I’d like to make a few plans for down the line. So far I’ve come up with early spring plans to go fishing and to walk a few of the trails I haven’t been to in awhile by the University. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this in person. I’d like to walk that path again.
Me
i am glad to hear that dr D worries, because that means he is thinking of you. and that you won’t be pushed out to the corner and have to survive on your own.
i can understand about plans. i have to have them too, or else i do stay in my bed and that does me no good.
thinking of you and you are in our thoughts …
One of the hardest things for me to hear was (and still is I guess) that someone was worrying about me. I guess it mostly boiled down to me not being worth their mental effort. I don’t know how many times I told my therapist (also a Dr. D) that he shouldn’t worry. When I really started insisting, that’s when he knew things were getting really bad.
I do worry about you. I care about you. I know you’re a strong person. But I know that you have limits as well. And I get concerned when I think you’re hitting your limits.
When I say that someone is strong it is usually because I am concerned about that person. But I also recognize that something within has kept them. I refer to that something as strength and I encourage that person to tap into that. Sometimes survivors may not recognize that there is something that they possess that helps them to survive. This “something” is there during the after hours when the therapist has left for the day and friends aren’t available. When I say to someone, you are strong, it does not mean that I think they can handle anything. It does mean that I am concerned but I see a source of strength that hopefully they can continue to tap into. Does this make sense?
I hope you do walk that path again. We all need something to look forward to, something beyond the ordinary every day doldrums of simply attempting to hold on, to make it through just one more day.
You are strong, but that doesn’t mean you’ve no limits of what you can handle on your own, or that you’re never weak as well. I think it requires a certain kind of strength to be able to acknowledge that you can’t do everything on your own, that you need help sometimes.
We all need a “soft place to fall” when we grow weary of the constant effort to survive.
Your therapist seems like someone who may understand that. I’m glad you have his guidance.
I don’t think he means it that way but I’d worry too if a shrink said they worried about me, that what they meant is “I’m going to have you locked up, nutso.”
I too wonder when people say “you’re strong.” What they usually seem to mean, at least in my case is “I don’t want to help you deal with this. Let’s sweep it under the rug.”
I’ve learned to keep most of my shit to myself. Since I have to be “strong” all the time anyway.
Your therapist sounds like a good guy. That’s great, especially after that last idiot you had to deal with.