Daily Archive for January 29th, 2008

Spit Fire – And Inner Conversation

Published on January 29, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 2 Comments

Angela – At least you get a birthday, I’ll be 15 forever.
Joan -Would you please go away.
Angela – Where? Go where? I’m stuck in this body with you forever. Where am I going?
Joan - Oh my gosh, a little me? Oh the humanity of it all.
Angela – I know you didn’t!
Joan – Please Angela how am I to get some sleep if you’re rattling on?
Angela – I just figure if you’re able to cuss I should too and not hear that dang on “because you’re a kid and kid’s can’t cuss” bullshit.
Joan - I just want to go to sleep, can’t we talk about this tomorrow?

Little One- You know if we do this we won’t get a resurrection.
Joan – We only took 2 milligrams sweety, we aren’t dying.
Little One- But you want to and if we do we won’t get a resurrection.
(At this point I’m holding the little one on my lap, she’s looking up at me.)
 Joan – You don’t really think that do you? Suicide isn’t the ultimate unforgivable sin sweety.
Little One- No, but we won’t get a resurrection because we’re not right.
Joan – Yeah I know.
Little One- So can’t we just try to hang on for only a few days. We always change our mind after a few days. We can just try and sleep.
(I’m taking her back to her safe place but she’s dragging behind me, doing the thing I did with my own mother years ago. She’s trying to talk some sense into me.)
Little One- All we have to do is sleep. We’ll get better. I know we will. We always do. Can’t we just wait a few days.
Joan – Sweety, I swear, it was 2 milligrams which isn’t enough to hurt me just enough to help me go to sleep so I can rest.
Little One- Your promises are only good to other people.
(I whipped around in shock. Her eyes got really big like she’d done something wrong and was in for it now.)
Joan – It really was, it was only 2 milligrams. I swear it, I really do. It was only 2 milligrams. We’ll be here tomorrow morning then we’ll wake up and you’ll see.
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Continue reading ‘Spit Fire – And Inner Conversation’

All Weather Friends

Published on January 29, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Soapbox. 5 Comments

I was desperate so I wanted to go over there. I would have agreed to go anywhere but here. Over there was what was immediately available so she said she’d come over after therapy, pick me up and take me back to her house. That was the plan after talking to her and telling her how I’m really doing. Things didn’t go so smoothly though. Right in the middle of talking about how I’m really doing, right in the middle of toning down laughter and masking she said, “I don’t mean to change the subject but…” Then she told me the weather outside is really nice and something about sleeping with the windows open. The conversation went from feeling like I’m going to lose it to the weather in a split second. I stopped her and said usually when a friend says they’re on the edge the other friend doesn’t change the subject to the weather. She said from all she’s read if a person says they want to kill themselves then they’re not serious about it. She said if a person really is going to do it then they don’t talk about it they just do it. I told her when I ask for help it’s because I need it. I don’t even like to ask for help so when I do I have to swallow a hell of a lot of pride to ask. She said okay and that I could call whenever I needed to. Then she said to give her a call when I got in from therapy. Continue reading ‘All Weather Friends’