The People Behind My Eyes

I was desperate so I wanted to go over there. I would have agreed to go anywhere but here. Over there was what was immediately available so she said she’d come over after therapy, pick me up and take me back to her house. That was the plan after talking to her and telling her how I’m really doing. Things didn’t go so smoothly though. Right in the middle of talking about how I’m really doing, right in the middle of toning down laughter and masking she said, “I don’t mean to change the subject but…” Then she told me the weather outside is really nice and something about sleeping with the windows open. The conversation went from feeling like I’m going to lose it to the weather in a split second. I stopped her and said usually when a friend says they’re on the edge the other friend doesn’t change the subject to the weather. She said from all she’s read if a person says they want to kill themselves then they’re not serious about it. She said if a person really is going to do it then they don’t talk about it they just do it. I told her when I ask for help it’s because I need it. I don’t even like to ask for help so when I do I have to swallow a hell of a lot of pride to ask. She said okay and that I could call whenever I needed to. Then she said to give her a call when I got in from therapy.

I went to therapy, the session went just fine. I got home, called her home phone but got no answer. I called the cell phone and got an answer. She said her son woke up sick this morning and stayed home from school but she’d wait until her daughter got home so she could stay with her son while she came over to get me. She said then said she didn’t know what I’d do over there because there wasn’t anything to do. I told her I wasn’t looking for a party. She said she’d call me back in a few minutes when her daughter got home then she’d be over. When I hung up I knew she wasn’t coming. It took only a few minutes before she called back to tell me her daughter was supposed to be in some “thing” and she forgot so she needed to let her do that. I didn’t kick into the “that’s okay, do what you need to do I understand” mode. I was actually quiet. She never asked if I was angry. I wasn’t. I was disappointed, let down.

Since the weather was nice I decided to get the leash and take Captain for a walk. When I got home I felt even more desperate so I called a friend. She’s one of those all weather friends. You know, the kind you hear from when things are good, bad and in between. I have a variety of friends but I have few all weather friends. I have plenty of people that’ll call when they need advice, need a pick me up, need to laugh or vent. I have some that’ll call when they’re depressed only. Those type people are a dime a dozen and they come and go. All weather friendships last.

All Weather Friends
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 4:46 am