The People Behind My Eyes

Angela - At least you get a birthday, I’ll be 15 forever.
Joan -Would you please go away.
Angela - Where? Go where? I’m stuck in this body with you forever. Where am I going?
Joan - Oh my gosh, a little me? Oh the humanity of it all.
Angela - I know you didn’t!
Joan - Please Angela how am I to get some sleep if you’re rattling on?
Angela - I just figure if you’re able to cuss I should too and not hear that dang on “because you’re a kid and kid’s can’t cuss” bullshit.
Joan - I just want to go to sleep, can’t we talk about this tomorrow?

Little One- You know if we do this we won’t get a resurrection.
Joan - We only took 2 milligrams sweety, we aren’t dying.
Little One- But you want to and if we do we won’t get a resurrection.
(At this point I’m holding the little one on my lap, she’s looking up at me.)
Joan - You don’t really think that do you? Suicide isn’t the ultimate unforgivable sin sweety.
Little One- No, but we won’t get a resurrection because we’re not right.
Joan - Yeah I know.
Little One- So can’t we just try to hang on for only a few days. We always change our mind after a few days. We can just try and sleep.
(I’m taking her back to her safe place but she’s dragging behind me, doing the thing I did with my own mother years ago. She’s trying to talk some sense into me.)
Little One- All we have to do is sleep. We’ll get better. I know we will. We always do. Can’t we just wait a few days.
Joan - Sweety, I swear, it was 2 milligrams which isn’t enough to hurt me just enough to help me go to sleep so I can rest.
Little One- Your promises are only good to other people.
(I whipped around in shock. Her eyes got really big like she’d done something wrong and was in for it now.)
Joan - It really was, it was only 2 milligrams. I swear it, I really do. It was only 2 milligrams. We’ll be here tomorrow morning then we’ll wake up and you’ll see.
——–

My promises are only good to other people. Promises made to myself, to my little ones mean nothing. I know it, they know it and that’s why I turned around to look at her. I was shocked. The little one has me pegged. By this time Angela was quiet. Her attitude problem faded from a roar to a sizzle. It’s interesting that she’d give me lip right now. She is a little me, a ball of fire ready to buck unfair rules and make a footprint where she’s told she can never make one. Right now she’s upset because I told her to tone down the cursing but her upset is larger than a few off limits like that. She doesn’t appreciate my allowance of double standards. I tell them people can’t hurt us but I turn around and hurt us.

The other little one is just like me too. She shows an extraordinary amount of strength for her age. I find that disturbing because I know at her age I did the same dang on thing with my mother. I walked with her, tried to reason with her, calm her down and tell her things would be better if we just give it time. Never did I think my own alters would need to heal from me. The little one is right, I keep my promises to others but break them to myself almost daily. It gets old telling them “I’m sorry.” I kept the promise, we’re still here but it’s little consolation to a child with a history of broken promises from me.

Spit Fire - And Inner Conversation
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 1:04 pm